I need advice. I don’t know what to do about my relationship with my boyfriend. I wouldnt go so far as to say that the relationship is toxic but I have the nagging feeling like this relationship seems off, like im forcing myself to believe that it will work and yet I don’t want to break it off with my boyfriend because of the familiarity and the fact that I lost my virginity to him.
I have been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years, and it started off loving and sweet, and eventually, we became intimate because it felt right at that moment.
Initially our arguments were all regarding my mother’s opinion about him ( my mum doesn’t really approve of him amd doesnt like the idea of him, because of his academic qualification and earning potential) but I have since reassured him that I would choose to stay by his side despite my mum’s disapproval, that him earning significantly lower than me doesn’t matter because ultimately our incomes will combine and we will be sharing the financial burden when we start a family.
Lately our arguments have become more heated ( most of the times it is because I feel upset about something he did and I would subconsciously show it in a way by refusing to show him affection like holding his hands or hugging him, and he would flare up at me for showing him ‘attitude’), to the point where he will shout at me when we are back in his room. I cry everytime he shouts at me, and his anger still wouldn’t subside no matter how I try to communicate with him. I have tried showing him affection during the arguments to try to appease him, but when I can still sense his anger and see the intense anger on his face, I get scared and pull away and he will get angrier at me for not trying to appease him by showing him affection. There was once when he got so angry that he punched the wall till his knuckles bled and were bruised. His anger seems to get more and more intense with each passing argument. Every time during our arguments, when I would cry, he doesn’t even flinch or react to me crying. And yes, I do know that he is feeling emotionally negative and angry at that moment and I shouldn’t expect him to care about my emotions, but it still feels like he doesn’t care that he has made me cry.
I don’t know what to do about this relationship. My male friends have advised me to break it off with him, saying that his temperament and anger might just get worse in the long run, that no matter how angry they were at their partners, they have never shouted at them till they cried or shouted at them in public ( he has shouted angrily at me in public to hold his hands when I was walking ahead of him). I’m reluctant to break up because i feel like this 1.5 years will be wasted if I just let this relationship go ( he was one of the few guys that didn’t ghost me after meeting up from a connection on a dating app, I have been ghosted so many times after meetups, that I feel unworthy of love), I don’t think I have the emotional energy to get to know someone new all over again ( I am an introvert and opening up and getting close to someone is nerve wrecking for me), being with him on the good days feels so nice and loving and I cant imagine being so vulnerable and familiar with someone other than him on such a physically intimate level.
What do I do? Am I self sabotaging this relationship by thinking about all the bad and not looking at the good? ( But there seems to be more bad days than good)
Thank you for taking your time out to read this lengthy post. I would appreciate any advice.