I was recently proposed to by my fiance 40yo. We have been planning our wedding for 4 months, and our big day was supposed to be in three weeks time.
Just over a week ago, I saw on our guest list that my 3 kids (from a previous marriage) were not on the guest list. I immediately confronted my soon to be husband, and he simply stated that it was a no kids wedding, which we had never talked about or agreed to.
As you can imagine I was annoyed and asked him what in the world he was talking about. I had been under the impression that my kids were allowed to come, and that my ex-husband would be dropping them off. I and he are close still, but understandably he isn’t coming to our wedding as we all agreed it would be awkward.
As it turned out everyone was aware of this, including my parents and bridesmaids. They had all assumed I was the one who decided this, which explained why they had been acting rather distant from me lately, especially my sister, who was my maid of honour, who was salty that she couldn’t bring her kids.
He said he thought I knew, which was a reason I refused to accept. I asked him why he wanted no kids, and he explained to me that kids are apparently annoying, and he didn’t think they would be comfortable , where there would be a lot of drinking, even though I don’t even drink. I explained to him, slowly, that my eldest was an adult, who is legally able to drink, so she’d be fine, and that my youngest two were only coming to the lunch, not the dinner.
He then complained that they were immature still and that he wanted to feel comfortable with me without “judgement from my kids.”
I went to speak to my kids, and when they heard my fiance didn’t want them to come, they got very upset, especially my eldest daughter. She claimed that since she wasn’t even a child she should be allowed to come, and at the lunch it’s not like my husband and I are going to be expected to look after them, which is what she could be doing if it would allow them to come.
I ended up saying all this to my husband, but still he wanted no kids, there, and even went as far to say that if it were up to him there would be no kids in our relationship. I was so confused. I knew he didn’t exactly have a bond with the kids, but not even wanting them was a step over the line for me. We got into a large argument, and he said it marriage wasn’t about my kids, but our shared love for each other, and if I couldn’t see that then I wasn’t being reasonable, and should rethink my actions towards him. In frustration, I told him that my kids are more important to me than he would ever be, and that if they weren’t there, I wouldn’t be either. He said fine, so I yelled at him the wedding was off.
His family is annoyed at me as they flew all the way over to see this wedding, and most people are calling me selfish,
Am I the selfish in this situation?