My parents are recently divorced due to my father’s cheating, refusing to stop, continuing to lie, etc. It’s been rather traumatic for the whole family.
My mother (55F) is starting to rely on me (31F) in all the ways she relied on my father – as:
- confidante (telling me things I told her I’d rather not know, 30 minute or longer monologues on her problems and experiences, etc) I’ve told her to continue seeing a therapist and I’ll pay for it but she said she doesn’t want to because she can just tell me all her problems.
- counseller/adviser (advising her on what to say, what to do, how she should feel)
- social companion (asked to have more meals with her, travel with her)
- organiser/planner (for trips, social events)
- IT support
- handyman support
- navigator (helping her read maps, figure travel routes)
In these ways I feel like her substitute spouse. I have suggested that she try inviting other family members or friends for coffee or a meal, instead of just me everytime. She will tell me she doesn’t want to. Any social interaction has to be on someone else’s initiative. I’ve even introduced her to my friends’ moms and repeatedly encouraged her to socialise but she doesn’t even try.
Re travel, everyone asks me to just accompany my mom whenever she wants to travel. What they don’t understand is that it won’t just be a one off trip and it’s tiring. Every time she travels, she will look to me to be her companion and plan everything from booking the flights, the buses/trains, deciding where to go, where to eat, figuring out how to walk to places, and she will follow me, occasionally with negative comments on what I decide on. But when I ask her what should we do then? She says I don’t know.
So I’ve started distancing myself to create a boundary with her. I visit her but have moved out much to her dismay (she’s dropped comments like I’m going to die alone. I will fall and nobody will know. If you don’t hear from me then I may be rotting on the floor.) When I ask her if she wants to move in with family who have invited her to, she says she wants her own space.
I also sometimes just send an emoticon responding to her repeated texts about her problems like :O. Or just tell her to proceed as she thinks fit.
I tell her I will take care of our pet while she travels, and she should go ahead. She is traveling for the first time alone this year. I will send her off at the airport while a family member will pick her up at the destination airport. So she just needs to get on the plane, take a direct flight to a first world English speaking country, and exit customs. She said she’s scared. Family friends have invited her to travel with them. She says she doesn’t want to.
Anytime she repeats that she has to dine alone because no one wants to dine with her. I repeat (a) I’m already dining with her on another date (b) im always happy to dine alone and she can learn to dine alone too (c) she can invite anyone else.
When she asks me to do something tech related for her, I tell her how to do it but don’t do it for her.
I feel that she is able to learn (fully healthy and able, certified no depression, eating fine, etc) but will never learn unless put into a position where she has to, you know
Or AITA for not being there more for her?
I still text her most days, always visit her 1-2 days a week, celebrate her birthday and organise social events with family or family friends including liasing with her siblings, accompany her for some meals, teach her to buy her groceries online, set up her laptop, buy her gifts, pay her monthly as maintenance, offer to pay her legal fees etc, help her arrange for things to be done around the house, etc. I just feel suffocated, resentful and irritable doing more for her or being guilt tripped for wanting to live my own life.