Deciding to have a child was the worst decision of my life
I’m a 29 yo married mother of one 1.5 year old son who I love but wish I didn’t have. I never wanted to have kids but my husband did. After he nudged me towards the idea of having kids for years mixed with my stupid biological clock freaking out that I’d be 30 soon, I made the decision to “just get it over with” and we got pregnant on one of the very first attempts just over two years ago.
As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I was hit with a wave of dread. I kept pushing that feeling down and told my husband and then friends and family I was pregnant. Everyone was so excited I didn’t have the heart to terminate the pregnancy like every fiber of my being was begging me to.
I won’t go into the whole awful story but my pregnancy was a nightmare riddled with tons of complications. The newborn stage was even more brutal. The crying in the night gave me crippling postpartum anxiety that is now better but still lingers.
Soon after returning from leave, I lost my job due to the pandemic. It financially made more sense for me to stay at home for a bit instead of paying for daycare but I miss my old life so much. I had no real problems in hindsight. Sleeping through the night and then going to work and then coming home to just my husband, the dog and the TV seems like a lost paradise now. I was an idiot to give that life up.
There have been good days, even good weeks since then and I really love my son but I’m not enjoying or well suited for parenthood. I like quiet flexible days with adult conversation or the ability to focus on interesting topics or work projects uninterrupted. I do not enjoy a day filled with loud screaming, kids shows, and having to follow a strict schedule to keep my toddler from having a hangry meltdown.
I know this phase will end too and maybe I will enjoy motherhood once he is a bit bigger but right now it has thoroughly changed my life in a way that I do not appreciate or want. I got my tubes tied last year because I refuse to put myself through this again. I just wish I had enough courage to listen to my intuition and decided to leave my husband when it was clear he wanted kids and I didn’t.