I’m relieved I had a miscarriage
I found out I was miscarrying last week and I feel…relieved. I know, you don’t need to say it, I’m a TERRIBLE person. But let me explain, or vent, I guess.
Never have I wanted kids. Never have I liked them- even as a kid I didn’t understand people my own age. They annoyed me. Playing pretend seemed pointless. The idea of playing with dolls (or worse a baby born) was horrifying to little me.
I think where this was solidified was after my parents divorced when I was 10. My mother decided to stop parenting or even coming home and for a multitude of reasons I won’t divulge, my father had to work remotely for 6 out of 7 days and nights of each week.
So I became the parent to my younger sister and mentally ill older sister. I cooked, cleaned, medicated and helped with homework. I made the appointments, sought help to obtain groceries and did everything I could to protect them both from the truth of that time.
They still don’t know much, they have been kept in the dark for 15 years. At this point I don’t want to hurt them with the truth but I am so. damn. resentful.
My husband also does not want kids, probably even more so than I. While we had vastly different issues in our childhoods, we have both witnessed the horrors that bad parenting can inflict.
While we truly feel our lives would be ruined by having children, neither of us can bare the thought of inflicting pain on a child that knew it wasn’t wanted.
We both stated clearly in the beginning of our relationship that if the other ever wanted children, it would be a dealbreaker as we wouldn’t deny that of the other but would never be willing to offer it ourselves.
Over the past three years I have experienced substantial health complications due to reproductive issues. Sorry for the vagueness- I simply don’t believe the diagnosis is exactly accurate but that’s a separate matter.
But regardless, as difficult as it has been to come to terms with and accept what I once saw as my body failing me at the one thing I should be able to just do (no matter whether I wanted a family with children or not), there was always a part of me that appreciated that “the chances of falling pregnant naturally was little to none”.
Now we are adults, that know all too well how babies are made, but that doesn’t mean we are always safe. I don’t always have a cycle and from testing completed I rarely ovulate, so I think I convinced myself it wasn’t a big deal.
But due to all of this i also keep a decent stash of pregnancy tests on hand for when its been a little too long since my last period.
Without rambling too much longer…The pain and cramping became unbearable and the sudden bleed was, well, sudden. So I took a test anyway and low and behold, it read at three-ish weeks.
To say I fainted immediately would not be an exaggeration. Coming to I felt shock, fear and absolutely disgusting. Disgusted at the thing inside of me.
Continued testing showed levels coming down and tests now read negative. I’m not entirely heartless, I feel for the little lost soul, I even had a little cry. Though stronger than any sadness or regret is relief. A spirit lifting, year made relief. I can’t convince myself that this wasn’t the best outcome for all.
Thank you to anyone who has read my ramblings.