Quick ranting storytime about “backdoor”
Having felt inspired by a post on men’s obsession with “backdoor” yesterday, I wanted to go for it and share my own experience. First of all, I find it weird how men are sooo into it.
But, most of the times, they don’t know anything about the whole process of getting ready for it, expecting us to do all the research and practice of douching and getting to know our body in that situation when, again, it’s them asking for it.
I started doing “backdoor” with my current boyfriend a couple of months ago (I think we’ve done it a total of six times – we have a long distance relationship). The two last times things got messy. Even though he was reassuring and said that I shouldn’t feel embarrassed at all multiple times during both situations, yesterday I could see his face of disgust when he pulled out and it was dirty and it made me feel really bad.
I honestly don’t know why I went for “backdoor” so shortly after it had been messy the first time and I had felt so self-conscious about it. He didn’t want to continue having S after it and now that’s my last S-time experience before I see him again in a couple of weeks…
At the airport I did some further research and it turns out I was doing a couple of things wrong when douching…So now not only am I worrying about him seeing me differently but also feeling stupid because I wasn’t douching properly.
And isn’t that f-up? Here I am, travelling with a douche around the globe to be able to please him that way (which he asks for every time we meet), trying to squeeze in an “backdoor” session during those weekends (when now I’ve learned that it’s not something you can squeeze in your schedule just because you want to, but rather something that should only be done if your body is also up for it on the day you want to do it) and ending up feeling unsexy and unwanted (I am aware that my desire for pleasing also may play a role in it having gone wrong – after all, I didn’t feel super confident in any of the two times but since I had douched and the previous times everything was good I thought it would be okay…)
Don’t get me wrong, I actually enjoy it when it goes well and yesterday before he pulled out it was feeling great. I’m just kinda pissed that I am the one that has had to shit the bed twice (literally) and do some proper research in order for both of us to be able to enjoy it in the future. I wish he would’ve been able to tell me how to prepare for”backdoor” when he suggested it. I wish he would’ve asked me a bit more deeply how I was feeling about “backdoor” after the first messy time. I also would like him not to get immediately queasy when I try to talk about my preparation experience or when I talk about why I think things got messy. I know I should communicate him all this, but seeing each other always for such short amounts of time kind of makes me push the negative emotions away bc I want to enjoy our time together above anything else.
Sorry for drifting off topic… I just had to get it off my chest.