My boyfriend’s personality changed during the year he spent abroad

I’m (21F) My bf (20M) went overseas 3 days after he turned 19, He came back a week ago We’ve spent almost every second together during them. I’ve came to release that he changed.

I understand people can change but he changed a lot both ways he gained a massive amount of muscles and he became more handsome more than he was before and his personality changed a lot too.

He doesn’t look at the world from the same way I remember, his actions too I feel like he’s analysing everything around him and he’s always being cautious.

When I asked him about it he said “when you’re a alone in a country where your nearest relative is more than 7000kms away from you, you have to adapt and get used to what you have”

I’m not saying I lost feelings for him I love him deeply more than I can describe it. I’m just wondering what caused this massive change on him

Netizens’ comments

• Life experience changed him. To get specifics. You’ll need to make him comfortable enough to tell you about it.

What caused this massive change in him? Everything you said in your post.

• People change a lot at your age anyway, there’s a lot of maturing and emotional growth during this time in your life. 100%, him leaving home and being all alone in a foreign country is a VERY quick way to make someone grow up quick. You go from being a kid with mom and dad nearby to *everything* is on you. I’m not saying it’s a bad experience (having done something similar myself!) but it does have a big impact on people’s lives. You know how the people around you can help shape the kind of person you are? Well, for one year, everyone that used to influence him was gone. Everything was. And in place of all that he had a whole new life, surrounded by new people. It’s only natural that he’s going to take a little piece of all those interactions with him as he moved back home.

I feel like I’m in a mental prison waking up here everyday. I can’t remember the last day I was genuinely happy here.

I’m so sick and tired of this country where I feel like I know every corner, nothing is new. There’s no joy or excitement living in this country for me. I eat the same food everyday at home, I’ve seen the same streets in central Singapore for many times now. The working culture here is a slave culture, Singapore society just seem materialistic as a whole it seems hard to make genuine connections with other people.

I feel like mentally it’s like a ‘water droplet’ torture treatment where everyday things just get 1% worse, and now when I wake up I don’t have anything to look forward to, my life experiences are bland and repetitive. I’ve tried to go for some fitness class to change things, but it all feels very temporary from the ‘daily grind’. The everyday moments don’t change, I’m so tired and sick of all the repetition.

To those who are happy here, I don’t know how y’all actually do it. Maybe you can share with me some tips? I feel like I’m alive but barely living at all. I thought of migrating (since I was overseas for uni and really enjoyed it, it was the first time in my life I felt I was actually ‘living’ but now I feel like a zombie and another peg in the machine) but it’s not possible at this stage of my life yet.

Who do you guys cope with all the repetition in this tiny small island for many years?

Here are what netizens think:

• I doubt for a lot of people it’s the country itself that makes them happy here. For me, it’s family. I’m happy wherever my family is. Lesser contributing factors also include the food, familiarity, efficiency, friends. While you’re stuck at this interval, hope you find something that makes you enjoy this place,

• This sounds more like you are unhappy with your life right now rather than the country. Moving to a new country might not help if you are just gonna repeat your old habits. Why not take a moment and think about what makes you happy and unhappy about your life and make changes there?

• I have a friend who thought the same way, he was big on how life in Singapore is soulless and dull. So he decided to travel the world, he went to all kinds of exotic and different places. Then he got mugged in South America. He was badly injured qnd lost everything including the money in his bank account. The police told him he was targeted because he is an asian man and there was nothing they could do. When he returned to Singapore he was suddenly all pro-sg. Apparently he realised that most humans are trash and safety and security is the exception not the norm.

I’m 35(f) and my younger brother is 29. He has severe mental health problems, starting with Non verbal autism, anger issues and complete inability to look after himself. My parents looked after him since the day he was born due to all these issues.

I have tried to love him, but as the ages gone past I have resented him. He has always been big and tall and since very young age he has tried to hurt me. I was always covered in bruises while living with my parents. When he got older he would try to kill me. He would try to drown me, choke me, threaten me with a knife and make holes in me, and I’m not mentioning the amount of times he has tried to set the house on fire. I ended up hating him and barely had contact with my parents as they always find an excuse for his behavior.

They are getting old and have recently contacted me asking for help to look after my brother. I laughed. I told them if I could I would happily put him out of his misery. But because I couldn’t I have told them if they force me to look after him I will either make an anonymous call for him to be taken to a place where qualified people can look after him or just abandon him by one and make sure I will never see or hear about him again.

I don’t want to be related to him. He is the reason why I will never be able to have kids of my own. He is the reason of many ugly scars left on my body and face. And I will happily get rid of him the chance I have or get him locked up for good.

I do not blame what he did on his autism. He needed treatment from a very young age which was not provided to him by my parents which has caused this violence and anger issues. Autism might just make them a bit stronger but I don’t believe it is a cause as he also has a bunch of other mental illnesses he was diagnosed with.

However people who say he didn’t choose it and he can not understand what he does and try to either make it seem like I’m blaming his autism for it or who are blaming autism for it themselves seem ignorant. He enjoys causing harm to me, to my parents or any pets we owned (my brother would “dispose” of any pets we owned from fish to dogs/cats). When he was younger it was hurting everyone, once he grew up it was aiming for a kill. There’s no outbursts or anything, it’s just him trying to actively get rid of me or any pets as he wants to be their top priority. When he is not my parents get hurt by him. He previously made attempts to burn me alive where I woke up covered in fuel while he was watching me while playing with lighter. I am not going to list everything he did, but its something I do not wish upon anyone.

My parents and my brother do not know where I live and I haven’t visited them in years due to my brother, especially after he tried to “dispose” of my girlfriend. We are currently looking to move to a different country across the world and change names if we can, so there will be no way for my parents or the government to look after my brother or pay for him to be in an institution as these are expensive.

Seeking help and advice.

Context:

Male, only child. Dad widowed since 7 years ago and we live together. Career-wise, my dad runs a SME business while I have a stable job, both doing fine financially. We don’t talk much but are on okay terms.

Issue:

Recently, my dad got involved with a China woman. I managed to find out that this China woman is a 39yo (while my dad 60), married with 1 young son, and claimed to be a SG PR. I found out because my dad uses a van for work and we also share a car and he has been using the car very frequently in recent times, e.g. to fetch the woman to work every morning. I got suspicious of what he was doing so I viewed the car’s video recording and got a lot of information about the China woman through their car conversations. (Not proud of invading his privacy but I got to do what I got to do)

Specifically, I found out that she had recently bought over a neighbourhood hair salon with the financial help of my dad. He gave her at least $10k. She has also been pestering him to help pay off her debts because she also borrowed money to buy over the salon. She just wants to hurry and start making cash inflows without needing to pay off her debts.

She also claimed that she is not after his wealth and does not intend to marry him if she divorces in the future. She only wants to have her own house and suggested to buy a 2 room apartment with my dad paying half – 1 rm for her son, 1 rm for her and my dad could go over anytime. (so much for ‘not after his wealth’)

From my perspective, I see that my dad is totally in love with her, showering her with lavish gifts, paying for meals, sending her to work, etc. (I see what he buys for her because I handle his credit card bills). Whereas this China woman is simply making use of him. From the recordings, I see how she gradually progressed from just ‘companionship’ to making him ‘invest’ in her salon to asking him to buy a house with her (which may happen if this continues). She also talked about being careful not to be caught by her husband and she was concerned whether her salon could help keep her PR status. I suspect that if he divorces her, she might be sent back to China? So she’s probably making use of my dad to ramp up her salon income quickly while milking his money.

I have talked to my dad once and asked him who this woman was because he brought her home once thinking nobody was home, but I came back home and bumped into them. He only revealed that she is a friend and he also invested in her salon. He claims that her skills are good and her salon should be able to do well. (but seriously, such neighbourhood hair salons are everywhere, and what does he even know about hairdressing lmao). At that point, I only told him to be careful of such investments and also beware of such China women who are out to cheat older men. (No disrespect to the many China women who have become successful on their own)

I’m just at a loss right now because I know my dad has the freedom to do whatever he wants. But am I really supposed to just let this China woman milk him??

Let me start by saying she is not his mother! As any parent does, I tell my son to give me all his dirty laundry (mostly so I don’t have to touch it) so I can wash them for him.

One day he was not home, so, I went into his room and grabbed his dirty laundry. I notice a balled up towel in the corner of his closet and I just grabbed the end of it, thinking it was just a towel, nope! Out falls 2 of my girlfriends recently worn/dirty underwear! I stand there coming up with crazy scenarios in my head for a second like “must have gotten caught in the towel when he was done showering” or “maybe it got messed up in the clean laundry”. Then the realization hits me that our laundry basket is in the bathroom where we shower.

All I could say to my girlfriend was “we are about to have a weird conversation and I’m sorry”. I pull out the underwear and say “I found these in (insert son’s name) room” and her jaw just drops. I didn’t know what else to say besides “at least we know he likes you”

Now it is a little weird and quiet around my house. The worst part is, I don’t know how to bring it up to him!

The decision has been made to sit him down tonight after dinner. Im going to be short and sweet about it. Tell him that I’ll love him no matter what. Tell him why it wasn’t ok to violate my GFs privacy! Then take the opportunity to see if he wants to talk about anything, but not force him to.

OFF-TOPIC: To the guy who messaged me asking to trade my girlfriends dirty underwear for his SISTERS! You’re disgusting!

He just dropped his head and said “sorry dad” and I just completely dropped it and said “don’t forget the last barrel and went inside.