I (30F) just turned 30 this year, and it’s been quite a ride…

– Ended a 2-year relationship after getting burned out.

Backstory:

I met him on CMB and he was a year younger. I had been working for about 6 years. He had not graduated at that time, and I wanted a relationship.

Our first date saw him wearing a discoloured tee, unstyled hair, horrible acne that resulted in peeling of his skin (lip area looked almost like an open wound), bad breath, dusty shoes that were not worn for at least 3 months. I was not sure why I took a chance on him then, but I guess it was potential and a sincere heart.

I was patient to stick by for two years, but I taught him communication, exposed him to different social settings, taught him how to apologise to a girl, how to have his own goals and his own life, brought him to the gym (previously he jogged with socks at home, and used a stool as a dumbbell), took him out to walk around singapore, chided him to plan dates, gave ideas for activities we could do together, taught him to rollerblade, encouraged him to be kind to his family, taught him to invest, encouraged him to turn his hobby into a side hustle, taught him how to be assertive and less shy, amongst other things.

But I did feel tired and drained because I felt like I was leading a lot, and I didnt feel like i was growing on my end. I saw him get his first job, and his second and third job…

We broke up because we quarrelled and we couldnt get each other, and I had gone back on the dating app a couple of times (but did not keep it from him and was honest about it) because I felt like I had done all the chasing and deep down I wondered if he wanted this rls to work out as much as I did.

Every time I wanted to give up, I wanted to stop holding on and I thought meeting new people thru the dating app could distract me so that I would not keep holding on to the relationship that I felt drained by.

He felt betrayed after I showed him the chats on the dating app and became a “beast”, or so he calls it. He started working out a lot at the gym, started his own watch fixing side hustle, and aimed to become a professional engineer so he began to study really hard. He turned into a driven and goal-oriented man. Someone more assertive.

After some time, he wanted to start afresh and get back together, but was not the first to text me. I texted him first after a few weeks to remind him of a credit card promo collection. We started talking again and he started to tell me that his biceps were now 15cm, he was earning twice of his income, he had a business going on and he was working towards a solid high-paying career.

My heart died because spending the past 2 years with him felt like nothing. There was no appreciation of the time i spent advising him, shopping for his clothes, cooking for him, taking him out, trying new things with him, etc.

even after telling him how I felt, he came back to share the same things. He had many businesses, and that he was doing well, etc. i wondered if he appreciated what i had done and the time i spent with him.

– I still stay with my parents whom I cannot really be myself with. I always have to consider their feelings, and they don’t really connect with me. But I try my best to make them happy

– I am stuck in a job that I dislike, because my dad (who was violent when I was younger) wanted me to do something more stable instead of me pursuing my interests (which was design or communications at that time) I’ve been in the same industry since graduation for about 8 years now. But I try to be thankful nevertheless.

I’m not really in a good space emotionally so I would appreciate some tact in your advice and feedback, but whatever it is, I would appreciate some inputs and responses here.. Thank you.

I’m considering divorcing my wife because she can’t get over her mom dying.

Yeah, I know, everyone is fired up at the title and ready to tell me what an a-hole I am. To those people, I implore you to read the rest of this post before making a judgement.

My (36M) wife’s (33F) mother passed away 5 years ago from lung cancer. It was not a peaceful or easy death. Our lives understandably went on pause after the diagnosis and we both spent a lot of time off work helping care for her mother. My wife had a pretty typical showing of grief at the time, cycling through different stages. Same with our three kids.

After she passed, however, my wife got really bad. I totally understand this. I can’t say I know exactly what she went through, because I haven’t had a parent die, but I understand how devastated she was.

For months after she could barely function. I gently took over pretty much all the responsibilities in the household and with the kids. She had been attending grief counseling since the diagnosis and continued after the death.

None of this is the problem. I endeavored to be as supportive as possible. She cried on my shoulder every night for months and I just thought this was the “worse” of “for better or worse”.

The problem is that after 5 years, she does not seem any better or more functional. She stopped grief counseling about 4 years ago and refused to go again, stating it would not help her and that nothing could.

About a month before any major holiday, she will have a major downturn. In bed half the day, crying all day, does not want to interact with the family, does not have the energy to do anything around the house.

This will go on every single day until about a week after the holiday ends. Every holiday is intense grief, just as much now as it was 5 years ago.

October, November, December, and January (her mom’s birthday month) every year are particularly bad; I am essentially without my wife, and am a single parent to my three kids. All together, she is completely incapacitated by grief for about 6 months out of the year, and has been the past 5 years.

When I say incapacitated, I mean incapacitated. When she is in the depths of her grief she is completely incapable of intimacy with me or the kids.

There is no cuddling, spending time with us, going on family outings. We don’t get intimate for half the year. I’ve stopped asking her if she wants to talk about it because she can’t get any words out between sobs if she tries.

What hurts the most is that the kids have stopped asking or being concerned. If they see their mom in bed when they get home, they just go about their day and might casually mention “oh, mummy is sad today” if their siblings or I ask where she is.

They don’t really seek affection with her anymore, because they rarely get anything more than tears.

I’ve discussed this with therapists, my parents, friends, etc. and I know all the rebuttals people have for this, so let me preempt them:

-She is unwilling to go back to therapy for grief counseling or to see a doctor. I can’t force her to go to the doctor. I’ve tried so much.

-Yes, it really is just as intense as it was 5 years ago.

-No, I never tell her to “get over it” or blow her off. On my worst days I just give space and leave her be, most days I try to offer her some comfort. If you want to judge me for leaving her alone, whatever, but know that I feel like I essentially have caretaker fatigue at this point.

I feel like my wife died when her mom died. I would do anything to get her back, even a small piece of her, but she doesn’t seem willing or able to move on past her mom’s death. I feel awful for considering a divorce, but I don’t know what else to do.

My car, my rights. Any wrong with that?

My husband has a gg to 15yo son from his 1st marriage. And we have a 6yo son. I owned a car where I used it for both work and personal. He used to have a car for work but it was scraped off recently after 1.5y.

Before he has his own car, I used to lend him my car to fetch and send his elder son from his home(west) to our home(north). When his son was 13yo, I realized he has developed BO. I believed it is due to puberty. And his BO actually STAINED my seatbelt. I could smell it even when I’m at driver seat. The reason why it was stained partly also because his son loves to put the seatbelt UNDER his armpit instead of across the shoulder. I told my hub about it but he just laughed it off. I’m sort of a cleanliness freak. And very sensitive to smell. I took many days to find ways to clear off that smell. And so happen, due to work requirements, he needs to have his own car. Hence, I was happy for 1.5y that his son is not taking my car.

I urged my hub before to talk to him and also his ex to let the son have some self awareness regarding his problem. Apparently they don’t see it as an issue and did not let the son know even till now.

So now the problem came, before my hub’s car was scraped off, I already outright told him I’m not lending my car anymore due to the BO issue. He did not acknowledge. The day came when he needs to go meet his son (it’s an every weekend thing btw), he asked if he could lend my car. I told him the same reason and he was angry. He said I’m unreasonable and even tried to gaslight me and said no matter what he’s also half my son. I explained but that it’s MY car, I have my rights to lend or not right? I paid for everything for my car. I didn’t stop him from coming to our house already but Why must I 委屈 myself and bring convenience to his son? When they dirtied the car / house, I’m the one who does the cleaning. Not them. I even told him I can talk to his son if he don’t know how to say. And he got angrier. Apparently he dislike me commenting his son. He rather lie about the reason why he can’t use my car instead of telling the truth. I don’t understand such a big boy yet so spoilt till cannot take public transport? I told my hub he can always take a cab / rent a car to send him home if he think he can afford. He’s out of job btw. Worse case he can ask his ex to lend him her car to send their son.

I am so upset and disappointed with this marriage. I felt my life is so depressing. I did so much sacrifice for him, look after him when he met an accident. Always accommodating him and even support him financially with my years of hard earned saving despite im not a high earner.

After so many years, I still feel his 1st son is of more of priority than us. If he think he owes his son a lot due to their divorce, how about me? I sacrificed even more for him.

He asked me to go and ask other people if I’m right to do such thing? So I’m writing here to see what have I done wrong with my own thing?

My Car, my rights? Isn’t it?

Degree makes life worse

Recently, I came to a conclusion that having a local degree makes life worse. A few years ago, I graduated from NUS com sci and have been working as a cyber security engineer. However, I am not well paid and take home only $4k+ after CPF deduction.

While going back for my first ICT, I got to catchup with my comrades whom I have not seen for years. Almost everyone drove a car to camp and intending to purchase a condo has they have their BTO already. Those were the ones who didn’t enter a local university after their diploma or A levels and decided to start their own business. Meanwhile, those who are broke just like me who took public transport to the camp, did not dare to start our business because we did not want to waste our degree and also do not have the courage to suddenly not have a monthly cashflow from our 9-7 job. I am currently still trying to find the encourage to start a business.

For those of you who are considering starting a business or accepting a local uni’s offer, I would highly encourage you to choose the former. Having a 9-7 job pay you peanuts unless you are a lawyer or a doctor working for years.

Here are what netizens think:

• I am also entrepreneuring, but it’s an xtremely difficult journey especially if you don’t have a strong solid base made out of money. Some, like me, end up working part time to supplement both living and entrepreneur expenses. Most companies don’t allow sidelines, some do, some close an eye coz your direct superior is ok with it.

• You know the biggest mistake you’re making now is comparing your life to others. How do you know those earning more than you are happier? You don’t know that. You’re only assuming that because you’re basing your happiness on money. I can show you many people who have tonnes of money and they come home to an empty house. They don’t have meaningful relationships. Each time they meet someone they have to watch their back if they are being used for monetary benefits. You are only seeing the glamour factor of entrepreneurship. I’ve tried it and I can tell you it’s an uphill battle. It’s not as rosy as it looks. Please be satisfied with what you have. I don’t know how true that is that local degree makes life worse. Yes I admit their education system focuses more on achievement than really absorbing what is being taught. But that doesn’t mean that they still can’t move on and thrive in life. Your life will always be what you make it. After having my own business for 6 years I realize it’s not all glory. There are ALOT of downs you need to be ready for together with the ups. When you’re up everyone will want to come and join you in your success. But when you hit rock bottom, you’ll see how many are left around you. Not to forget the long hours market risk added responsibilities. It’s all quite alot to deal with. That’s why I went back to school and completed my PHD in psychology. Because I realized business was someone else’s dream not mine. I didn’t regret it at all. Just follow your heart. And don’t give a damn about what people say. As long as you’re doing what brings you joy.

What should i do?

I had a thing for this girl (let’s call her A) during my university days. She knows that I was into her, but we never got together because she just looked at me as a friend. Even then, I always tended to go above and beyond for her and was attracted to her personality and charisma. We often work on school projects together and hang out after classes, as we have mutual friends and live close to one another. This went on for years, but ultimately, my feelings for her faded after graduating with some residual left. We entered the workforce in a different industry and rarely spoke to one another again.

Today, I have been happily attached for more than a year, and I love my partner deeply, but we also went through the usual cycles of madly in love > arguments > reconciliation. Despite having no intentions to propose and get married soon, I do see her as a potential wife and the mother of my children. However, a few months ago, I made a fatal mistake. Me and A reconnected with our other university friends at a bar. While being intoxicated by alcohol, we shared a moment that brought back some residual feelings from the past. Soon we kissed, but we stopped as soon as we realised what we were doing was wrong. We left to join our friends but never spoke about it again. We even continued meeting with some of our other university friends after that day occasionally, but kept a distance because of the incident.

I know this is considered cheating, and I am not denying my fault here, but I also love my current partner too much to tell her the truth. I genuinely believe she is my soulmate and that we could potentially have a happy and blissful relationship. Will you tell your partner if this happened to you? Or will you keep quiet to protect the relationship. Would you rather know? Knowing that the relationship will never be the same again.

Being stalked by ex-bf and his wife

Hi hi just wanna ask whether it’s normal for my first bf (now an ex) and his wife to be viewing my social media. It’s been more than 15 years! S/he has been viewing my profile for many years – I only realised it recently. I recalled seeing s/he as a viewer on my different platforms including Fbook/Instagram and LinkedIn several times in the past, but we are not friends or connections. They are even living in different countries now. Only recently when I saw him/her viewing again that I realised it’s they have been doing that for so long.

I feel weirded out.

Please advice if anyone been through the same – either as the party being stalked or stalking. What’s the reason? I don’t even think of my ex anymore.

Here are what netizens think:

• To check whether u give birth one who looks like him or not

• There’s no tracking device to see who has viewed your Facebook / Instagram accounts. So I’m calling you out for this. Only LinkedIn lets you know who has viewed your profile. Somehow I get that feeling that it’s you who is stalking them but wrote a reverse situation to play victim. Lots of insane folks out there.

• How you know she’s stalking you, if you dun go look for it? You also got problem right…

• Just block them on all social media and online platform.

• Yes. His ex wife used to do that for many years. I just ignored it. That’s why I privatized all our accounts because I didn’t want her to come on there or send friend requests and be able to see what we were doing in life. I never discussed it with him either. I found it a waste of time esp when we were trying to build a family together. If it makes you uncomfortable just block all the accounts. That’s it. Keep your life as private as possible…

• Dont think viewing is wrong but if it makes u uncomfortable just delete/ block them

What is this called? Is it gaslighting?

My spouse and I were winding down for the night, both in bed and I decided to turn on netflix, which I rarely do, cos I’m not that much of a netflix / TV person.

The wife saw that, and instead of just informing me that she had discontinued the subscription, the following came out from her.

1. “There’s no more subscription. You are also not a very TV person”

And while factually true, was there really a need for that later statement?

2. “How do you expect things to be there if you didn’t make it happen”

To clarify, I was just plainly turning on netflix and checking. Not complaining about netflix not being there.

3. “When was the last time you watched netflix with me?”

True. It was a long time ago. But how does that link?

Please enlighten. I had barely said anything and I got this barrage of words unleashed upon me with just the simple act of turning on netflix.

Here are what netizens think:

• It’s not gaslighting, but she’s probably using Netflix as a way to try to tell you that you guys aren’t hanging out enough (quality time) and you’re not doing enough for the relationship, and it’s probably something that she has felt for awhile now but kept it in- which builds resentment. Communication is a two way street, so you guys need to talk about this together.

• When my so don’t say anything when I expected him to say something, I will be super buay song.
  My guess – she likely feel u don’t know what’s going on in the family eg u don’t even know Netflix has been terminated for months. She likely has mentioned it before yet u have no idea. This shows u never cared enough to listen.
  If u didn’t make an effort, it will not be there. Hint : work on your relationship else your wife won’t be there anymore.
  When was the last time u watch Netflix with her?
  Hint: when did u both last date or spent quality time together? Make time for your wife. Go breakfast or watch a movie. Give her some attention

• U heng she used Netflix as a subject or indirect hint tt you guys are not spending quality alone with each other compared to last time. Why I say u heng, because u tried to on Netflix. If you tried to open the fridge and start to wonder out loud why the fridge don’t have things u like to eat…..u see if u kena 1 more big bomb. No need Netflix, no need amazon prime. Spend more time with her, bring go makan, go back to dating her. Which girl don’t want spouse or bf to sayang, manjah, and focus on her and her alone after work?

No s chemistry with husband

I am S attracted to a childhood friend I will never marry because we have different needs and priorities in life. I am happily married, butS I am not attracted to my husband. He is very good looking – it’s got nothing to do with his looks. I just don’t like his vibe. It’s like we don’t sync and there’s no chemistry in the bedroom. But outside of bedroom we are a match made in heaven.

With my childhood friend, I feel turned on even if he just puts his hand on my head in a friendly way.

What’s worst is he is attracted to me to but I turned him down and didn’t even give him a chance.

There are too many deal-breakers, we are of different religions and of different worlds. I feel that in the long term the differences will tear us apart no matter the sexual chemistry.

I am happily married.

Just wonder how nice it would be if I could feel the same chemistry with my husband. Sigh what do I do? Is this even something that can be controlled?

Here are what netizens think:

• See. This is proof that woman can never be happy or contented handsome husband, match made in heaven.. still not happy LOL

• You mentioned happily married repeatedly – classic over-compensation

• You should divorce your husband and let him find someone who will appreciate him fully. You can go back to your childhood friend for the “chemistry” and the “vibe”, but there’s a risk your childhood friend would do a flip on you and leave you in limbo because he saw how your husband was treated. That’s how a lot of women end up with nothing. But as they say nowadays “slay Queen!”. You do you.

• U sure u happily married? U should hv considered all these b4 marriage. Get rid of your other options and stop comparing. Will u like it if your hubby has better sexual chemistry with other woman? How will u like him to do? I am sure the first thing is not to meet or be in contact with that lady. Likewise do it at your end.

To people who blame negative people, have you thought why they become so negative?

I have my reasons to dislike naively positive people! Why? because, as you wished, I suffered from their naive “positive” decisions!

Have that family member who overspent and then borrow money every other month? (Can earn back one, can solve one! In the end also not them who solve what!) The friend who ask you if it’s ok if she quit her job to try be YouTuber when she is still in debt and have only 2 subscribers? (Just do it attitude, right?) The family member who thinks since they’re already getting medical treatment means it’s ok to do and eat whatever they want? And the one who thinks prayers solve everything? (There will be miracles, right?)

The friend who knows you’re dealing with anxiety issues due to social and financial stress but choose to think it’s just you being negative.

Most people are not born negative but trained/beaten by life to become one. And then whenever those negative people try to engage with a more positive person, they shun them and say “we don’t like negative people!” (Yes, they’re sooo positive when they did that!)

So what can the negative people who are struggling do? They can only go to each other for help or if they’re rich enough, go for professional help.

Sometimes I wonder why these naively positive people who burden people around them can get away with their crimes and still shun the ones who struggled after helping them clean up!