I had been in a relationship for five years, and it was the first serious one for both of us, which made it special in the beginning. I’m more of an indoor person, so my favorite dates involved spending time at his place, where we’d each do our own activities. He’d play games or watch funny videos while I enjoyed my shows or read novels. Occasionally, we’d have light-hearted conversations, sharing funny thoughts and laughing together before returning to our own interests. I felt very comfortable with how things were, and I believed he was the one for me.
We did have some differences – I tended to be more demanding, but he was incredibly accommodating. I grew up in a family that struggled to express affection, while he was more carefree and needed verbal expressions of love and emotional support due to his sensitivity. I didn’t consider these differences a problem because he was so understanding, and I made an effort to communicate my feelings with love, even if there were times I was too harsh, which I later reflected and tried to change.
We got a BTO (Built-to-Order) flat last year and were eagerly waiting for it. However, I wanted us to move out this year because we were both sharing our living spaces with our siblings. So, we decided to apply for an HDB rental for couples waiting for their flats. This change disrupted our plans, including our wedding timeline.
We had already scheduled photoshoots and set dates for ceremonies, and everything seemed to be going well. However, just one week before the wedding photoshoot, he expressed his concerns. He worried about the uncertainties in our future, whether we could bridge our differences, and the possibility of a future divorce, which was particularly alarming because his parents had gone through a painful divorce, leaving a lasting impact on him. I tried to reassure him that differences were normal in any relationship and that love could help us overcome them, but he remained anxious.
I suggested that we identify the instances where he felt uncomfortable with our future plans, and I promised to be reasonable and open to discussion. He began listing various concerns, including not liking the color of my wedding dress, which we had chosen two months earlier, and this triggered my frustration. I felt that if he had reservations, he should have voiced them earlier. He claimed that he didn’t fully understand my perspective and only agreed due to my insistence, which left me puzzled.
I cherished his sweetness and willingness to accommodate my wishes. I believed we shared similar thoughts and could overcome any challenges together. However, his recent change in attitude was unsettling. I was willing to compromise further to address his concerns, but I couldn’t understand why he was suddenly blaming me for issues we had previously resolved.
This situation led to a heated argument, and I canceled the photoshoot, telling him that we wouldn’t proceed with the wedding until he sorted out his feelings. I felt angry and hurt, as I hadn’t pressured him into proposing, buying a BTO flat, or planning the wedding. It seemed like he was allowing his fears to take control and not considering the impact of his actions on me. I felt lost and regretted investing five years in a relationship with someone who seemed unwilling to mature and face our challenges. When it came to booking an appointment for our ROM, I thought it was reasonable to have him take care of it. He initially agreed and, within about 10 minutes, told me he had completed the task. Naturally, I asked him to share a screenshot or proof of the successful submission so that we both had a record, ready to be shown if needed on the day. However, two minutes later, he returned, explaining that the appointment was in “draft” status, indicating he hadn’t submitted it.
This was the first time he had failed to submit something, but there had been other instances where he made similar mistakes, though of varying significance. Given our previous conversations about how he didn’t appreciate my blunt criticism and didn’t like being scolded, I chose not to react harshly. I simply said, “Okay, could you please submit it now?” in a gentle manner, but I couldn’t help feeling disappointed.
I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t complete tasks accurately. I believed that if he were genuinely excited about marrying me, he would have double-checked and triple-checked everything to ensure its correctness. The thought of us, along with our parents, standing at the entrance of the ROM only to realize that we couldn’t proceed due to a mistake was a worrisome scenario. It seemed like he struggled to grasp the consequences of his mistakes and continued to make similar errors.
This situation made me feel like I was in the role of a nagging mother, constantly reminding her child to complete their homework, and then checking it repeatedly. I was looking for a partner who could take responsibility and handle tasks like an adult, not someone who repeatedly made avoidable errors.
During our time together, I often found myself in a motherly role, pushing him to complete tasks with minimal effort, like learning to drive or booking an appointment for our ROM (Registry of Marriages). I felt disappointed when he didn’t follow through or made avoidable mistakes. Despite our talks about improving, he continued to make the same errors, making me feel like I was constantly checking up on him.
What bothered me the most was his decision to back out just one week before the photoshoot. I expected him to take responsibility for his choices as an adult and not put me in such a difficult situation, with our wedding plans already publicly announced. It was an emotional ordeal, and I couldn’t forgive him for running away at a crucial moment, which felt like abandonment.
I suggested that he should seek professional help to address his anxiety and uncertainty about the future, and we should take a step back until he could secure a doctor’s appointment. Unfortunately, this plan unraveled on the very first day of our cooling-off period. I found myself shedding tears at random moments, constantly haunted by what had transpired.
On the second day, he engaged in some introspection and declared that he would step up and be more responsible for our relationship. I couldn’t help but wonder if I could trust this commitment, given my deep disappointment and past letdowns. I realized that I should have recognized his issues earlier and not placed myself in this emotional turmoil. If we hadn’t already announced our marriage and secured a flat, I might have considered ending the relationship immediately. Perhaps I was also being somewhat hesitant in my own way.
I’m now at a loss about what to do. While I’ve given him a chance, I still find myself awake in the late hours, contemplating how much time I have left in my youth and what would happen if I made the wrong choice. I can’t shake the feeling of fear that he might run away again, especially before the ROM or even after we have a baby.
What should i do?
