Need an advise.

I have a helper who cried to me and told me that she has financial issues. After 30minutes of calming her down, she told me her story.

She had borrowed from another maid who is currently working in Singapore for a total amount of $800, as her son was sick back in the Philippines. After 1 year of working in Singapore, she now told me that she had fully paid the loan of $800 but the other maid still wants to ask her for $5800 as it due to her interest and late payments.

My helper does not want to make a police report as she was scared that she has to be deployed back to the Philippines along with the the other maid.

She has shown me the other maid’s facebook where she post pictures of many other helpers who have not paid their dues. The pictures were shown as a way to shame the other helpers to the Philippines community in Singapore and Philippines. There was also a voice recording that the loaner speaks in Tagalog that she knows everything about her.

Please. Have anyone of your helper undergone this situation?

How can I help my helper without destroying her rice bowl?

Here are what netizens think:

• Just report to SPF. An Ah Long, Singaporean or Filipino is still an Ah Long.

• That maid cannot anyhow claimed about interests. Must be something fishy about her. Instead of helping her better make a report. But u need to have proofs or else they will not file the case and just give advise.

• I highly recommend you NOT to get involved in this, and put the matter to police or else her agent. More often than not (unfortunately), there are a lot of lies in this kind of situation.

• Threaten the other helper that u will report her to the police so that she will retract her extortion of $5800 from your helper

• I honestly think your helper has no choice and had to come to you for help. Out of benefit of doubt, help her to report police. Whatever she has to face, she will have to face. But you helped many others on the illegal loan sharks that is going around.

I (26F) don’t know what to do anymore about my husband (33M)

We have been married for a year and I feel this insane guilt about wanting to leave. A lot has changed since getting married, but I felt cold feet beforehand I just was told it was normal.

Ever since getting married he’s gotten more controlling, jealous, stopped being intimate and started talking to cam girls, and has been pressuring me for a family.

I’m never alone anymore. He works from home when I do and times me on my office days. When I work from home he times me too and clocks when I work, which had given me insane anxiety around work and home and now I can’t really eat on my work from home days anymore.

He’s been more rough when we get intimate, I tell him I don’t like some things he does but he continues anyways. Or last time when I yelled out in pain and looked angry at him he just said “just trying something new.” Now I don’t even want to sleep with him anymore because I’m afraid he’ll hurt me, but he doesn’t care. He would rather talk to cam girls anyways or watch adult videos.

I’ve gently tried bringing up the lack of intimacy to him, but he always turns it on me. Like that I don’t try to look pretty for him so why would he think of me that way, but then when I used to dress up I would always get rejected. Or that he hates condoms and just wants a kid and is done using them.

Anytime I hang out with friends or leave the house he makes “jokes” about how I’m cheating on him. And this had also now made me not want to leave the house.

There was also another concerning joke where he pretended to choke me and it scared me a bit because he’s much bigger than me.

It obviously didn’t start this way and he had anger issues and addiction problems before getting married but it was never this bad.

The problem isn’t constant and he’s not a bad person, I love him and we are fine for the most part. I just don’t know if I can live this way anymore. Even when things are good I don’t feel I can enjoy them anymore.

He’s worked on his anger and has gotten better, but hasn’t gone to therapy since the verbal abuse incident 6 months ago and that was part of the only reason I agreed to stay.

I have these intense feelings of wanting to leave or runaway, but maybe I need to try and work this out in marriage counseling. I am not sure where to go from here, but I can’t picture feeling this way the rest of my life. Also I can’t bring a kid into this. I just can’t.

Also bought a house last year so I feel like I’m just blowing up our life after it got started and ruining his for no good reason. Side note – we have been together for 5 years. He tells me if I don’t have his kid and we divorced he will never have one.

Does this ever get better? Is therapy the answer? Am I mentally ill for wanting to blow up my life? I feel like I’m crazy.

Everything seems fine to others on the outside so also if I left no one besides my best friend would understand.

All I want is for someone, anyone, to look at me and tell me that I am enough, as I am – and mean it.

I did well throughout school, work, have a good job and would be considered reasonably successful by external observations/standards, but I’ve never felt like I have been of any significance to anyone.

There’s always this feeling of needing to be able to do more, be more useful, find more ways that I can be helpful to those around me.

Which I do, and do get appreciated for, but I still feel like all that is just using talent to cover up that I don’t matter.

Yet there’s so many people around me who seem to have families and partners that embrace them for who they are, not what they do.

They may not be as professionally successful as me, but I yearn for what they have And it feels like there’s something wrong with me, like some basic part of being human is missing in me.

I just feel like no matter what I achieve and how high I climb, I’ll never be enough as a person. Something is letting everyone else shine, but why don’t I have it?

Sorry for the rant. I don’t even know what solution I am looking for by posting here. Thank you for reading.

Netizen’s comments

The biggest mistake most people made is thinking that achievements define happiness.That’s so wrong.

Most people achieve alot, but still feels empty inside. Some have big houses, but they don’t have a home.

Some have king size beds, but they don’t have a good night sleep.True happiness is wanting less and appreciate more.

As for you, the most important person that you need appreciation from is yourself. If you don’t even appreciate yourself, no one else matters.

And if you still think you are not good enough despite your achievements, I challenge you to go to a hospice for children and ask yourself this: Why are they so cheerful even though they know they don’t have much time left.

I previously posted here a long time ago, but here I am again because attempts to resolve the problem have not worked.

Background: So my father has been super paranoid and suspects my mother for adultery (which I’m pretty sure is not true). This is to the extent that my father will do crazy things like stalk my mother at her workplace and spam the alleged adulterers on Facebook with somewhat accusatory comments. His thoughts have absolutely consumed him and he has been rambling about this “adultery” for years! (and saying the exact same words each time like he was reading a script!) Marriage has been rocky from day 1 and mother has wanted to divorce multiple times in the nearly 30 years of marriage, but in the end my mother still stuck around to preserve the family unit for my sake (which in retrospect wasn’t a very good idea lol). And because father does not agree to divorce, they have to separate for 4 years before mother can file for divorce, but obviously we have all been living under the same roof. Looking at father’s behaviour, it’s very clear to me that he has some mental issues along the lines of ASD (no friends, extreme dedication to routine, low EQ, strange habits of talking to himself and stimming with hand gestures) and/or BPD (fear of abandonment explaining his reluctance to divorce, control freak mannerisms). Probably also had bouts of depression as I’ve heard him say he doesn’t want to live anymore.

What I’ve done: For now I’ve tried to go the wholesome route by trying to get him to get a mental health assessment so that we can address his issues and make life easier for everyone. I managed to connect him to the Family Service Centre so that he can talk about his problems, and I informed the counsellors to try and get him to have a mental health assessment. Unsurprisingly he refused. The contact has been going on for a few months, I don’t know exactly what happens at the sessions but it’s clear that he’s still as crazy as ever.

Looking forward: Well now I’ve more or less given up the wholesome route. He’s not helping himself by not cooperating. The FSC has not really been able to do anything as well. I definitely have to get away from the house with my mother to ensure our safety and well-being. It’s not just my mother who’s been subject to bad stuff, I’ve often been at the receiving end by being his emotional dumpster and getting stressed about things I’m not involved in at all, and being worried about others because he seems to be on the verge of going berserk on everybody and I am the final safety catch. His presence alone drains my mental health. Maybe I’ve even been traumatised to some extent because I sometimes shudder when I hear his voice. I see no way I can have a good life if he doesn’t get out of my life (there are many other reasons for this which I didn’t mention in this post). I know it sounds unfilial but then again, if I can pay him his current monthly salary in exchange for cutting contact with him, I would do it (maybe when I start working). Anyway, since he’s not helping himself, I guess there’s no other way other than for things to get ugly. Divorce is the number one priority I have for my parents now. Unfortunately my father has been very smart about preventing a divorce. There is very little evidence we have to justify the divorce without going through a 4 year separation. There is no adultery on his side, no physical abuse, no vices, etc. I intended the mental health assessment to have a secondary purpose of being used as a justification for divorce if we really went that route, but obviously we don’t have it, and I suspect he may have seen through the plan. I realise he’s also been very emotionally manipulative by constantly trying to brainwash us that a divorce would be impossible because my mother has been a bad wife and the judge would side with him, but luckily I’ve seen through him. Anyway, I would appreciate any legal advice on this matter, I am hoping that we will be able to expedite the divorce proceedings without having to do the 4 year separation thing, and perhaps some advice on how to best handle my father so that he can no longer cause distress for me and my mother’s family. Thanks.

How to get back youthful and carefree days?

As per title, just feel that in Singapore we grow up too quick, always chasing milestones and never really managed to enjoy truly carefree days.

The next milestone is always around the corner and “no time to rest on your laurels because the guy next door might be working harder and securing better opportunities”.

Now that I have graduated from uni and working for 1-2 years, feeling extremely empty. This is despite having everything I need to feel comfortable and secure: roof over head, a close family, job with good prospect, steady relationship, BTO secured.

Can’t help but I learnt how to fly without walking, anyone feel the same way?

Netizens’ comments

1. travel! few things are as beautiful as the foreign
2. The easiest way to feel a material improvement is to simply stop comparing yourself with others. Recognise that social media only portrays the best side of everyone’s lives. Don’t get triggered or dismayed by someone else’s perceived success. Run your own race in life and just strive to be a better version of yourself than the one yesterday.
3. No. I’ve been through the opposite during my teenage days, aimless, poor, unkempt, naive, unknowledgeable. If I could rewind the clock I would not have trodden on the same path.
4. another way to look at it is that we have been very lucky/blessed with not having to worry about those things. in our life, we have seen pple who have studied harder, worked harder than us but didn’t have the same desired results. it’s not because we are special but we have been blessed or have been lucky.
   it’s also not about comparing levels of pain, ie: the aren’t you glad you’re not a hungry kid in Africa thing. i believe that using other pple’s pain to compare doesn’t help in the long run.
   and as i grow older, i became more numb to things, the delicious food, the beautiful scenery become like “oh ok”.
   it’s the cycle of life, the youthful and carefree days are over, it’s been traded for experience, confidence and monetary stability. it’s like in nature, autumn will follow spring, it’s just life.
   i just try to tell myself on and off that don’t chase the happiness or the “old feeling of carefree and the world of possibilities” of youth, cherish and recognize the contentment. if there’s nothing i want to buy or wish for, it’s content with what i have, not empty. I’ve been lucky.
   just my 2.16 cents worth, ymmv.

Am i calculative with my mum?

I give my mum $500 every month and on top of that, whenever i order grab food, i will ask if she wants also. I don’t eat at home and even if i do it’s max one or two meals per month.

On top of this she still ask me to increase the monthly allowance by $100-$200.

Today she asked me to change yen with her cause im going japan, at 90+ rate when the current yen rate is already at 110+ cause she has about 50k yen with her. When i rejected, she said i was very calculative with her.

She’s semi retired about 58yo but is still looking for a job.

I’m saving up for my HDB and reno that’s coming in 5 years time and don’t intend to let her fork out money or borrow from her.

I’m also trying to save up for a banquet when i didnt want one initially cause my brother couldn’t give her a proper one due to some reasons and she was disappointed.

If i’m not saving up of course I wouldn’t mind giving her that extra money. But i just feel that every cent counts now cause of the rising cost for banquet and renovation etc.

Netizens’ comments

1. *borrow from her
   And no, you’re not. A lot of mothers tend to act up at this age. Entirely anecdotal, around 70% of my friends and acquaintances are going through varying degrees of this. Most have it worse than you do.
   I will tell you how to trigger her for sure. Ask her what she gave her own mother HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
2. However, as for your latest dispute with her, 50k yen is 450 ish SGD. I would just exchange give her 500 SGD and call it a day. It’s not a hill worth dying on.
3. Move out lo. Take your $500 and contribute it towards your rent. Save yourself a lot of headache
4. Flip the tables – why don’t she change with you at spot rate? Ask her don’t be calculative. My parent will just give me the foreign currency, but I prefer to pay them back, if I use it

I (29M) met my fiancée (30F) 2.5 years ago online. She is Malaysian and I am Singaporean. We took turns visiting each other every few weeks after COVID-19 lockdown was over, until she finally moved over to Singapore about 6 months ago. She has been staying with me in my parents’ house (a jumbo executive flat). I proposed to her last month and she said yes.

Ever since she moved to Singapore, I have broached the topic of us applying for a BTO after she obtains PR status. She was negative on the idea as firstly, my parents’ house is big and she feels it is better to stay here rather than buying a small BTO flat. Secondly, as I am the only son (with 2 sisters), she feels that it is highly likely that I have to take care of my parents when they are of older age.

On the other hand, I would like to move out instead as:

• My parents have non-concrete plans to downgrade flat and use the balance as retirement sum
• If we are to have kids (I want 1 kid, she wants 2 kids), there will not be sufficient space for us at all
• I have tried asking my parents if I can buy the house from them at a discount, and then they can continue staying in the house. I casually asked them if they would consider selling the house to me at S$500k, but they kept insisting that the house is worth nearly a million.
• My dad can get quite irritating at times, which my fiancée has mentioned before to me as well. I don’t think staying together for the long-term would be good.
• I don’t think my parents have any plans to leave the entire house to me alone should they pass on. Most likely it will be split equally between me and my siblings.

I have discussed the above points with her and she agreed that we should move out. However, the tricky and frustrating part is, whenever I mention the finances and that we should start planning and saving for future housing costs, she gets frustrated and says “It was never my idea to buy a house”.

Here is the financial context:

• She is earning S$3.6k per month. She gives my mum S$250 monthly for ‘rent’ and household expenses, and spends about S$1.2k~S$1.4k monthly on transport and meals.
• She set herself the target of saving S$2k per month.
• She did not have any substantial savings when she moved over from Malaysia. She has been saving ever since she moved over and has accumulated about S$10k thus far.
• I am currently earning S$7.2k per month. I give my parents S$600 monthly, and I spend about S$1.4k monthly on transport, meals, and dates. I do not spend much on myself other than going on dates with her. The rest goes into investments/savings.
• I have S$75k in my CPF OA, S$57k in investments, S$25k emergency funds, S$40k saved for wedding costs and honeymoon, S$20k in spare cash that I am undecided on whether to using it for investments or future reno costs.

I have projected that by the time we have to make downpayment for a BTO, I should likely have sufficient amount in my OA to make the downpayment on my own. However, for future renovation costs, appliances and stamp duty, I projected it would likely cost about S$110k. As such, I worked backwards, and gave myself and my fiancée 5 years to earn that sum. I told her that I will foot 75% of the costs, while I will need her to help with the remaining 25%. This worked out to me saving about S$1.6k per month while she has to save S$600 per month, which I communicated to her.

However, she feels constantly unhappy about this. She has mentioned the following points in our many quarrels over this topic:

• She feels like she has to sacrifice her life to pay for a house that she didn’t want in the first place.
• She only moved over a few months ago. It is unreasonable of me to start stressing her to save money for a house.
• She feels like she doesn’t have money to do what she wants (i.e. go holidays or buy stuff) because I stress her out over saving for a house
• She is saving S$2k a month already, what more does she have to do? She says that she will gladly give any amount she saves for the housing reno costs in the future.

I have been constantly reiterating to her that she is saving S$2k per month, I am only requesting her to set aside S$600 per month for future housing costs, while she can spend the remaining S$1.4k she saves in any way she likes. Upon me mentioning this, she will say that I am always stressing her out over money and that she already has her own financial plans of saving S$2k per month, and I should stop talking to her about finances or instructing her to save S$600 per month. Then she will start rambling on again about how she doesn’t feel happy at all because she feels that all her savings are going towards housing plans and she doesn’t have money to do what she wants.

As you can see…the argument keeps going in a circular motion and I do not know how to resolve this.

I would greatly appreciate some advice on how I can resolve this matter. Please do feel free to also share your viewpoints – am I in the wrong or being unreasonable?

My (25f) boyfriend (30m) said he likes pleasuring himself over sleeping with me.

I mean the title is self explanatory but for context, I’ve always had a higher libido than him and it’s something I’ve had to work around. We’ve been together for 5 years.

About 2 days ago we got into an argument because I wanted to be intimate with him. The morning after, I asked him if he preferred touching himself over sleeping with me and he said he did.

He said it was more gratifying. He also told me the stuff we do in bed was more “freaky” than he liked.

It’s making me feel like I’m not good enough for him and it’s making me question our relationship. I always thought he liked what we did in bed so it’s really sad to think I’ve had it wrong the whole time. He has tried to backtrack since but I do feel like he answered honestly.

How should I approach this situation? Is there anything I can do on my end to make intimacy more enjoyable or am I taking the comment too seriously?

Netizens’ comments

1. Next step: Ask him what he likes in bed and talk about what you like.
2. Listen, it’s important to remember that bedroom compatibility is a crucial aspect of any relationship, and if your partner’s preferences and desires don’t align with yours, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy and doubt; however, it’s essential to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about your concerns and explore potential compromises or solutions that can work for both of you, because communication is key in resolving these types of issues.
3. You should talk to him again, tell about how you you feel, knowing that being compatible is really important in this regard for you, and if he doesn’t enjoy it really, you can start looking for ways to make it work, by looking for a therapist for example.

I cannot stop sleeping with my ex-wife.

My(26M) ex-wife (30F) and I have been divorced for a month now. I have moved houses, and changed my phone number, and somehow she still winds up at my door at odd hours of the night.

I still get very naughty messages from her in the daytime just like I would have when we were together.

We have hooked up six times since the divorce, and honestly it’s been the best I’ve ever had in my life. I hate how much I enjoy it. I hate how good it feels to be with her. I hate myself for letting her stay in my life. I hate that I can’t stop myself from giving in to her.

She stayed the night last night. I woke up holding her, just like I used to do when we were married. She’s there, laying in my bed right now, still sleeping, like she didn’t go crazy and try to make my life miserable. I f-ed her like I still loved her last night, and I honestly don’t know how to feel about her anymore.

I’m so tired.

Netizens’ comments

1. He’s gone guys😭😭 she done snatched your soul.
2. Sounds like you have to take some responsibility for yourself.
3. There is a REASON why you divorced her, and you mentioned “go crazy and try to make my life miserable.”
   This sounds like addiction, and you need therapy. You also need to CUT CONTACT with her.
   Block her number, email, etc. Don’t answer the door if she comes by. If you work in an office building, let the person at the front desk know that she is to be told to leave if she comes by.
4. Why did you divorce her in the first place?
5. Man, i feel for you. I had the rare experience of breakup sx when my ex wife and i started the divorce. It wasn’t an experience i regret, but there were a lot of emotions. Honestly, that once was fine.
   And that’s where the similarities end. Doing it repeatedly means you’re never going to get better. Which means you’re going to be carrying the stress and heartache for years. That’s a great way to give yourself a psychological dysfunction.
   You need to get out of that situation. I don’t know how, but it needs to happen and you know it. No contact, low contact, and setting up boundaries are all options here.
   I hope things get better for you.