Next generation of (tiger) parents

I am an angmoh guy. Been in Singapore about 8 years.

My first local friends used to complain a lot about their tiger parents. All the pain they went though, from extra tutoring, always having to study, banned from having romantic relationships and ensuring to be home for dinner even when they are full grown adults. I think the worst aspect was not being able to meet their parents high expectations even with amazing performance.

Now they are all starting to have their own kids and I’m very surprised to see they are doing the exact same things to their kids that their parents did to them. In some cases even harder – like enrichment classes when their kids are still babies!!

Can someone tell me why they repeat this toxic behaviour? I don’t get it, especially when there’s little evidence that pushing your kids so hard actually helps them.

Here are what netinzes think:

• It’s because as they grew older they realized they can’t fight the system.. changes in the educational system whilst taking place now will only bear fruit ( for better or worse ) decades later. While economic and political uncertainty just makes competition even more rife. You can argue its only going to get worse with this generation of parents experiencing even more FOMO and kiasuness amidst increasing costs.
• Generally new parents have only two main sources of reference. Their own childhood, and the experiences of their (equally clueless) peers. From when the lady receives the good news on her pregnancy, well meaning friends, relatives and colleagues will start feeding information about parenthood, school life, childcare and anything and everything there is about “getting your child that headstart” I feel it all starts from there.
• As a parent who signed her mini me for a baby enrichment class, i would like to say that it’s a fun session where he enjoys the teacher telling stories/singing songs/play baby gym. It’s only a 1hr session once a week where he gets exposed to a different setting from home/grandparents house and gets exposed to different pple (teachers/other babies). I’m hoping this will help ease him into school eventually. But no we don’t expect him to be the president scholar of his batch 15yrs down the road la. Definitely no crazy tuition schedule for him when he gets older 
• Lessons and experiences imprinted from childhood are commonly brought forward to the next generation because its so deeply ingrained.

I wonder if you consider your partner stingy if:

Pay for

• Outside meals
• Doctor visit

Dont pay for

• Shopping (kid’s growing up stage thing, stroller, walker, high chairs etc)
• Household necessities
• Child necessities (milk powder, diapers etc)
• Helper’s salary

These are just some of the things I remembered… im very confused with my partner’s love language… he told me because I said i can afford so he dont give me allowance for the things that stating above as dont pay…

He earns 3/4 times than me… those i stated as dont pay is a monthly expenses… while those “pay” don’t happen frequently… we dont go out often for meal, needless to say we dont go doctor visit every month too… so basically im the one spending more… i dont know whether he is acting blur or he just being stingy to me… whenever i bring up the issue, ended being gaslighting… i told him to take up helper’s salary as its 20% of my salary but not even 10% of his… but he always reluctant to give, and i have to remind him every month…

im sick of being a “beggar” in this situation, any advise how to deal with this type of person?

Here are what netizens think:

• I guess both of you never sit down to discuss finances together. Some of the earlier people approach is good. What I can say is tell you hubby to do a proper sit down discuss, share the load equally and plan future goals together. It’s not 1 person responsibility to shoulder the entire household expenses. Do a balance sheet up listing assets, loans and monthly bills that need to be clear. Joint account for joint liabilities – diapers, food, helper, Internet, utilities bills goes here. Each can contribute X amount monthly. If he refused, then you need to consider if he is really a husband that you can depend on in crisis.
• Having a bank account with both parties contributing to the account in ratio of payscale?
• Yes, he’s stingy. Make him contribute or start taxing him for things that he use and never pay for.
• Yep. Tell him u going to stop having a maid. If he wants he pays. Maybe he gambling, investing or just super stingy. Tell him the kids are his also, need to share right.

I dated this older guy (34yo and I’m 27) for a few months and he lived at my place. He still paid for his rent at his place, but he stayed with me because I live in 2 bedder apartment by myself. We did house chores equally. The only exception was laundry, I agreed to do the laundry, ironing and putting back clothes to the closet. I didn’t mind it because I’m pretty particular with separating laundry as well as ironing every single thing including bed sheets and quilt covers. It’s a little too much, but I grew up in a family that does it and I am not asking anyone to help me do it.

One time I was on call for a week, so I decided to sleep on the sofa in the second bedroom so that I wouldn’t wake him up every time I get a call.

I just changed the bed sheet and the quilt cover earlier that week and hadn’t slept on it ever since. One night before bed, I came to him to say goodnight and I saw the quilt was very crumpled and the bed was messy. So I scolded him for making it messy.

He then joked around and wrapped himself with the blanket and rolled with it all over the bed. I was annoyed and said “fine you can do that as long as you iron it tomorrow”.

He got mad immediately because of what I said and said “if you ask me to iron, then I don’t want to sleep here anymore!”. I was taken aback by what he said, but because it was already late I cut it short and just say good night and went to the other room.

In the morning, he woke me up to ask if I wanted to go to the park with my dog. I was still pissed so I told him that what he said last night was childish as I spent hours ironing the bed sheets and quilt covers and all I asked was for him to be considerate and not make it crumpled on purpose; but instead of saying sorry, he threatened to not stay with me anymore.

After I finished my sentences, he threatened to leave again for the same reason, “if I can’t roll on the bed, I cannot stay here anymore”. And then he insisted that we need to discuss about the rolling on the bed rules because he still wanted to do it (btw we were already living together for 5 months and this was never an issue).

And he also said he was not gonna comply with my request because then I’m changing him as a person. he said that we were just different, he’s just the kind of person that likes to roll on his bed, and if he can’t have that he’s not going to be happy.

FYI, I never mind it if the bed gets messy when he sleeps, it’s something that he can’t control. I’m also okay if he rolls as long as he doesn’t wrap himself in the blanket when he does it. The thing that I’m most troubled with is the fact that he doesn’t appreciate the effort I put in to make the bed feels nice to sleep in and his response to the request that I think is rational, which is not to roll around intentionally to make it all crumpled, is just ridiculous.

It’s just something that I would never imagine fighting about with an adult.

Long story short, I just graduated from a PhD program. My boyfriend of 5 years me multiple times that he was getting me a really special present to commemorate this event.

(He is also a PhD, and at the time of his graduation, his friends got him a very fancy watch.)

After my thesis defense, he gave me the gift, and it was very very cheap earrings. I know they were cheap because the gold metal color was peeling off and the earring backs were those little rubber things instead of metal backs.

Later, I looked up the earrings/brand and found that they were $20.

This really hurt my feelings as he had talked up this gift extensively, and we almost never exchange gifts with each other– only for birthdays– so I was looking forward to receiving whatever he got me. I’ve told him in the past that I am allergic to many metals in jewellery and usually only wear sterling silver or gold. I don’t really care about the price, but I felt the price tag should have told him the earrings were not really gold.

I calmly told him that I really appreciated the gift, but that my ears are very sensitive to some metals, and I wasn’t sure if I could wear these earrings. He understood that, and sort of offered to get me a different gift, but I got the feeling that he didn’t really want to do that.

I want to ask for a different gift because I would love to have something that I can use forever and remember this event. Am I to blame for doing that?

My life is meaningless. I am so down.

My monthly salary balance after loan deduction is negative.

Been doing full time + part-time jobs but still insufficient to cover the loan. I am making 4600 per month, but my loans are 6500 (cc and personal loans). Worse, my parents are sick and I am unable to provide for my their medicine.

The worst feeling you can have as a man. My wife is covering all the household expenses right now. About the time I will be fcked up big time and that’s the end for me.

Here are what netizens think:

• Some loans are not dischargeable in bankruptcy. I believe student loans are in this category, but it may differ based on lender. A bankruptcy would adversely affect the spouse too, who apparently is in better shape.
• What loans are being deducted from your salary? Perhaps the term on those loans should be renegotiated.
• Have you looked into loan consolidation? Do you have the opportunity to pick up more shifts at your job or pick up a second job/gig work?
• Go try work at Geylang be a duck and settle it once and for all

Need some advice please. I am a female. I have a female friend and I do cherish her, but she have issues in her life choices.

She wants the sky but doesn’t want to put effort. And when she doesn’t get what she wanted, she will be sad and tell me about it. This cycle has been going on for like at least 10 times and it was getting hard to just watch/listen to her complaints, hearing her blame her “sad” life about everything. So I was blunt to her about it because I think this cycle won’t end, unless she changes her mindset. This is the situation:

She is a single mother, never got married, only finished PSLE, face is ok but upper body is big in build and has pretty bad stretchmarks (basically not hot model body anymore after giving birth).

The new job that has now, she went for her 1st day of work and she is thinking to quit already. She said that the environment there is dirty, and that’s unbearable for her. There’s no place to sit for lunch (all seats taken), and even if there are seats – the chairs are disgustingly dirty. She cannot take it.

On the other hand, the job scope is good and easy (just charging and uncharging phones to see if they work, or paste stickers etcs), and it is only a 15 mins walk from home. Working hours are what she wants too, Mon to Fri, around office hours. So that she can go home and takecare of her son after work. But the dirty environment is a BIG issue so she wants to quit.

To summarise, with just PSLE, she wants a job that is:

1. No people gossip about her (she cannot take it if any colleague don’t like her or talk about her behind her back)

2. Near her house (walkable distance)

3. Clean environment

4. Easy job, not too physical

5. Got place to go chill for lunch

6. Must be Monday to Friday office hours

And for a single mum with a big build, she wants a BF that is:

1. Tall and handsome

2. Look like bad boy (with tattoos etc) but change to be good boy for her or his personality is good and is loyal to GF

3. Can takecare of her

4. Can accept her son and treat her son well

5. Must be able to listen and comfort her whenever she is sad about her life, don’t tell her to change

I told her that for her life, be it work or partner, nothing is perfect (she gets depressed over one imperfect thing, like the seats are dirty and she want to quit already). I told her, to be happier, there are only 2 options in life, be it work or relationship.

Option 1: Accept the flaws (imperfection) and tahan/deal/accept it.

OR

Option 2: Improve herself so that she has a better chance to get what she wants.

I told her that she is aiming for the sky everytime without the qualifications or “资格” to match it. I.e. Want good job but no education, want tall/handsome bad boy look BF with a heart of gold or change to be loyal to her, but she is not supermodel and she is a unwed single mum (I was very blunt, I admit, but I think she needs to wake up to break out of this, and it is for her own good).

I told her that the above job and BF requirements – when she can’t get it, she gets depressed every single time she tries (and fails) and this is bad for her mental health. This depressing cycle won’t end/she will never be happy this way unless she changes her mindset that when things are not what she wants; she can only choose to do Option 1 or Option 2.

Maybe she can aim lower (Option 1)? Try tahan the dirty chairs? Everything else is ok ma, and fits her requirements.

OR if cannot nevermind (she said she really cannot take the dirty chairs) and wants better for her next job, I told her maybe she can try to improve herself (i.e. Maybe go back study or something) so she can have better job environment (Option 2)?

As for BF, maybe find a normal guy, don’t need to be tall or handsome or look like “bad boy”? Even hot models that aren’t unwed single mums can’t find what she wants for her “BF requirements”. I told her it’s hard. She basically wants to win Toto in everything.

She got angry with me and said I don’t understand. TBH, I really don’t… Then she say I LUCKY, cause my BF takes care of me and is there for me emotionally, whereas she is alone.

But… Ironically, my BF is the kind that she will NEVER even give a chance to date. The first time she saw him, she asked me “You can meh?” (Because my BF is short, fat, and unattractive).

She also said I’m lucky cause I got maid also (Free meh? Also need to study hard last time, then work hard to earn extra and pay for the maid ma).

Basically I told her, nothing is free, everything is an exchange. You want the sky, but what do you have to offer or put on the table?

She is pissed at me and ignored my messages after that conversation. I do cherish her but I don’t know, I am just NOT the kind of person that can just tell her lies and courage her that she can definitely get what she wants next time or on her next try (Job or BF requirements) without changing anything. It is just she “unlucky” la, just try again can one!!!, etc.

I think like that very fake, very tiring if I can’t speak the truth to my one and only friend, if I have to always lie and sugar coat my words… But then again I do cherish her as a friend for many years…

What should I do now?

I ended it with a guy and had to tell him 100+ times throughout the night it’s my choice if I don’t want to date him.

He is now blocked because he kept trying to justify himself as a person and why he is a perfectly nice guy.

It doesn’t matter if we’ve been dating one month or 5 years, a woman has a right to leave if things are not suited to her. But dating has been hard because while I’m okay with a casual relationship, there are some guys who get so serious so quick to the point where they won’t take no for an answer .

I guarantee if I wasn’t so quick to block that guy he’d have begged for at least a few more days, despite me literally telling him I don’t like him as a person, don’t like his personality and that he is an a-hole.

Just a little vent, as I also have experience with lots of unwarranted male attention (cat calling, stalking, harassment and assault to name a few) and I hate that just because I let a guy into my life for a bit he thinks he’s entitled to stay there forever even when we don’t click or he’s treated me less than favourably. Women don’t owe men anything just like they don’t owe us anything.

Hell, nobody owes anybody anything while dating unless you agreed to deeply commit to each other or get married. Even then, someone is allowed to leave if the situation doesn’t suit them any longer. This guy made me feel guilty for not being understanding / giving more chances / numerous reasons when I just didn’t want to drag out a dating situation I don’t be in anymore.

It’s hard to date because I’m tired of being begged, harassed and even have guys plead that they can change themselves for me (which I know is a trap). I just want to feel ok saying no and moving on, not being made to feel like sht for it 8 times out of 10.

I got very upset with my husband for taking revealing pictures of me while I’m sleeping.

For context, my husband and I got into a very heated argument about something unrelated last night. He was getting ready for work this morning when he left his phone in the bathroom unattended.

Mind you, we have each others passwords and the rule is technically that we can look at each other’s phone whenever, no questions asked. I was looking through the camera roll and found some very revealing photos and a video of me, taken while I was asleep & nude.

There were no private parts shown in the pictures/video, just my thighs and stomach, but it’s obvious I’m naked. I do not delete the pictures at this point. I walk into our room where he is getting ready and carefully state that I found the photos, without lashing, as to not escalate things further given our bad argument from the previous night.

He immediately got defensive and made a comment along the lines of “what I was doing on his phone anyways?!” I walked away & start getting in the shower, and he follows me and says “Here I’m deleting them, see!” and shows me that he deletes it from his camera roll and his recently deleted folder.

While I’m showering, my husband comes back into the bathroom to say (with a frustrated tone) that he only took the pictures because he’d had an edible (we both had that night I remember, so this is true) and I had declined his invitation to physical intimacy so he was very H and was using the pictures to jerk off while I was asleep. (This also checks out as I have consensually given him pictures on different occasions for this reason.)

I returned to the room a few minutes later after showering and start getting ready myself. I was upset upon finding the photos and then being made to feel bad about my discovery so I silently started crying.

My husband sees this and frustratingly inquires but I decline to really elaborate because to me it’s obvious and didn’t feel like explaining in the moment. He leaves for work and calls me a few minutes after leaving and says the reason why he acted so defensively when I brought up my discovery of the photos/video is because “I looked like I wanted to argue.” (We were both on edge from the night before.)

It must have been the look on my face because I know I approached it very calmly. Anyways, I kind of feel like the AH for bringing it up while we were so on edge already and when I know he doesn’t have malicious intent, he just wanted to look at something that wasn’t P videos. It just felt icky that I was completely unaware and would have never known had I not found the video/pictures on my own accord.

What do i do now?

So I leave for a work trip about 4 months ago for 2 weeks. Somehow my husband cheating, while I was gone, is my fault because I can’t keep him interested enough. OH IM SORRY. (Heavy sarcasm) Was S every other day not good enough for you because you were an addict and admitted you were so I pushed myself to have S with you so you wouldnt run?

Was I just supposed to be a good little wife and let you try out other women because “you didn’t know I was the one until after trying other options?” Get the f out of my life, have fun with the undergraduate student of yours PROFESSOR.

You’ve changed your profile to now dating as of 5 months ago. CONVENIENT TIMELINE BUDDY.

Why is it when women cheat they’re called names and socially exiled but when men do it it’s somehow the woman’s fault?!

You said that I did not provide you enough and you needed an alternative source to fulfil your needs. I can’t even go out to work properly thinking that you might be doing something behind my back.

The only one that is going to suffer now is not me and you it’s going to be our kids who are still so young.

Here are what netizens think:

• Consider being a nun, you will never be cheated
• No choice sometimes you got the wrong on and you have to face it.
• Some men are like that, same as my dog.