Seeking advice on overthinking about the smallest things

I somehow believe I overthink and worry too much into the things I want to do, that I ask myself a lot of questions, thinking about scenario that can “possibly” happen.

Pulling in a simple example, Lets say I want to get a contractor to install something at my toilet, can consider it as an upgrade.

I will overthink things like

1. what if the contractors comes at 5.45pm, when 6pm is the cut off for installation,

2. will they get denied entry by the security

3. what am i going to say to the security to convince them to let the contractors to continue.

4. when will they come back to install again,

5. do I need to take leave,

6. are they going to charge me extra for the 2nd trip.

7. If they can make it in time, (in terms of installation) where are they pulling the water from, how much changes are they going to make to the existing installation.

8. Are the changes going to look nice, if nice, how nice, what is the definition of nice..

9. if not nice, what do i need to do to make it look nice, how bad it is that installation is deemed as bad.

10. How about the old installation, are they going to throw it away for me,

11. where are they going to dispose it, a random place? then will anyone come look for me because my contractor did not dispose the waste material properly,

12. will i get fined.

13. am i going to claim the damage from the contractor,

14. what am i going to say to them to make them pay for the disposal.

15. if they refuse to dispose, where do i throw it at, do i have the capability to even dispose it away by myself,.

16. How are they pulling in the power to my installation, do I have an electrical outlet or any spare power lines above the partition.

17. What if the contractor say they are unable to install due to whatever reason, how am i going to make a decision.

18. if the size is wrong, then what can i do, rebuy the stuff, how much time it will take,

19. What should be the basis for my decision….

20. Am i going to engage another contractor (extra money) or what am i going to do.

It is just a trivial installation matter, which may eventually take about 2 hours or so. I will ask so many questions like these to myself and feel stressed when unable to answer them. So I will just start to worry worry worry.

Eventually, I will end up giving up on the idea and don’t dare to proceed, and forget about it.

I really just want to carry out my ideas without worrying so so so much stuff.

Netizens’ comments

This is definitely anxiety and it’s more common than you think! Some of us just mask it better.

Ignore the advice : “don’t overthink, just do it!” because they don’t understand our brains are wired differently.

What helps me sometimes would be someone else who reminds me that there are so many “what ifs” and those questions would only slow me down, and sometimes cutting your train of thoughts by focusing back on the goal helps too. I also redirect all the “what ifs” by planning and making plan Bs for different scenarios as well. It takes time and practice but gotta always keep in mind that action has to be made.

Lastly, if its too overwhelming, do seek some help!

Good luck!

I am getting married to my fiance in a few months time.

I was adopted when I was a baby and my adoptive parents (50s) did their best to raise me and support me till I finished poly. We always had a good relationship and I obviously love them.

When I was 23 I decided to search for my biological parents, and long story short they were teenagers when they had me. They are still together and they have 2 more children. They said they wanted to keep me but they couldn’t raise me so they decided to put me up for adoption. The thing that really hurt me was that in my childhood and teenage years they tried to contact my adoptive parents and have a relationship with me, but my adoptive parents refused.

When I confronted my adoptive parents they said that they were afraid that I might prefer my biological parents, so they tried to keep them away.

I was hurt and disappointed and decided to go low contact. Over the years we managed to build a better relationship but it’s not like before.

So for my wedding, I decided to ask my biological father to walk me down the aisle and he obviously said yes. When my adoptive parents learnt it they were hurt and said that their worst fear had come to reality and if I insist to put my biological parents before them then I shouldn’t invite them to the wedding.

My answer was that they are not invited then. Since then all my adoptive family are calling me a bad daughter.

Here are what netizen thinks:

So I’m adopted, have a really decent relationship with my birth mom, and i really think you are in the wrong path. You cant really ever change who your family is.

Obviously you’re going to do whatever you want to do, but think about who you’re hurting when you do it. It sounds like you don’t have adoptive siblings (which I could be totally wrong about), so this will be their only child’s wedding. In their eyes, you are their daughter. They taught you everything.

What they did was wrong but understandable. What you are doing is rude and heartless. You said they were good parents and yet you let one mistake ruin your relationship.

A man raised a question online asking the cheapest meal so that he can save more money.

Is Cai png the answer? Netizens discuss.

Here is the question:

Does any of you eat cai png everyday? Or like have friends who do so?

If you genuinely love cai png that much, ok hats off to you. I have nothing else to say..

Or like if you’re financially not that well off and cai png is your most viable option when eating out, ok I understand.

But for those who are middle income or above and do that to save cost as a primary motivation.. I dunno eh.. It seems like a pretty sad way to live your life, no? Like, you are not going to become a millionaire with all those savings eh!

Frugality is good and all but it’s got to be sustainable too?

Here are what netizens think:

• Your mum must be so to know that you feel she had been living a sad life cooking cai png for you since you were a kid. Veg, meat and rice are common in households, much like those served in stalls.

• Choosing to eat cai png everyday is synonomous with being frugal?? Dont get it

• can i intro you to my sales friend? he likes your kuan where image is everything. he will flash his APs and LVs at you and you would be instantly motivated to join him and be like him.

• To eat or not to ear cai png is a personal choice regardless love, budget or affluence.Nowadays, chicken is the premium dish in the same level as fish. Don’t plray plray.

• Maybe they order cai png with fish dishes leh? That’s a very strong flex ok

• I’m a caipng (almost) everyday person and I have a few reasons why I choose it:1. I’m not picky with my food so I can go weeks eating the same food without getting bored. (I always pick the same ingredients every time I order caipng)2. I gym and I feel caipng is the easiest and most affordable way to control what goes into my diet. I feel most coffeeshop meals don’t contain enough protein and caipng offers the most bang for your buck meat portion wise.3. I eat caipng so I can save money to spend on things that I’d rather splurge on like alcohol and online shopping. Eating caipng everyday can really significantly reduce your monthly budget on food.

Ok I’m about to give you all a ton of red flags. So basically for context my ex and I were together for years and lived together and we had a pretty messy breakup where we have been on and off since.

He wasn’t totally loyal (but it was a grey area on loyalty like crossed my personal boundaries but maybe wouldn’t cross everyone’s. Definitely disrespected the relationship ). We have been somewhat trying to make it work but we fight so much that it’s been quite difficult. I don’t trust him, we have a lot of issues, mostly in terms of him being horny on social media. He also has a lot of girl friends now which he never had when we were together which is weird because he became friends with them in the last few months and some things are sus.

I recently got Covid so I’ve been quarantined for two weeks. Also before that we were fighting so we really haven’t seen each other in 2 months. Still through this we text everyday and tend to fight a lot. I definitely cry alot. It’s something I accepted it doesn’t affect my day to day but if I get mad or sad or I see weddings I cry. I’m also sarcastic. once in our relationship at the beginning I made a joke that I can cry on queue to get us in somewhere. One time when we were fighting I cried and he made a comment “oh you’re probably fake crying and lying to me to make me feel bad” and he left. It bothered me alot but we had so many other issues I didn’t want to get to that one then.

Fast forward now, in this toxic mess where I’m still talking to him.

Today in particular, I had a bad day for numerous reasons that aren’t really relevant but I told him. He didn’t acknowledge it at first ( we were on the phone I don’t think he heard me) but then we were texting and he brought up my friend (let’s call her Jane). Jane’s mom has been very sick and in a bad situation for months where she likely won’t make it. I was really close with janes mom and Jane so I’ve taken this really hard and tried to be there for her. About a month ago my ex wouldn’t stop texting me and questioning me about what was going on . I had received a call from one of janes family members saying Janes mom had died. My ex kept calling and calling when I was trying to get ahold of Jane (not weird – I’m her only true support) and eventually I answered and said “I’m dealing with a loss right now please stop calling me” turns out janes mom was literally unresponsive in coma but made a somewhat drastic recovery where she was given another month to live in the hospital. Today,janes moms in bad condition but we’re grateful she’s still here .

Today my ex started questioning me about janes mom because he doesn’t believe that when I waS visiting her that she was really sick.

He thinks I was cheating. So he kept asking when’s the funeral, and I kept saying call me so I can tell you the full story because we don’t talk deeply anymore. He kept saying he wouldnt call me and to tell him when the funeral happened. Eventually, I said that I would tell him later what was happening and I’m sad he kept questioning me and hasn’t even asked about my day or talked to me about anything today just “when was the funeral “ accusing me also of making excuses to not see him because I was lying about Jane. So then I say “well I had a horrible day and you don’t even ask me what’s wrong just questioning” he ended up calling and I was crying to different reasons and the first thing he said “are you fake crying again right now”

I cried even more and yelled at him and told him this is why we won’t work. I know I shouldn’t yell but I just said that he was being an a-hole and i am upset that i cant come to him when I’m sad anymore so what’s the point. We kept contact because we were best friends and on my end I held on because he was always there I guess I feeel like idk if I’m the a-hole because I’ve given him a hard time bu yelling but I also feel like he’s kind of an a-hole. He wasn’t fully loyal to me (questionable) and he broke up with me in the end when I tried to make it work. He came back and I said no because he hurt me so much, like I did everything and still gave him a chance I just started to trust less so I went crazy/

Basically in the end I yelled at him and blocked him. We’ve been doing this toxic situation for months and he’s really not showing me he’s a caring or kind partner. But I guess through this I’ve felt crazy because I don’t trust him after what he did so I expected him to communicate with me more or make an effort. I know I’ve been hard on him, like some new girl kept commenting on his pics/he commented on hers and I got mad at him. But idk if I overreacted. He literally asked me “are you fake crying” and I blew up and blocked him.

I don’t want to go back on my word/ am I in the wrong?

Seeking help and advice.

Context:

Male, only child. Dad widowed since 7 years ago and we live together. Career-wise, my dad runs a SME business while I have a stable job, both doing fine financially. We don’t talk much but are on okay terms.

Issue:

Recently, my dad got involved with a China woman. I managed to find out that this China woman is a 39yo (while my dad 60), married with 1 young son, and claimed to be a SG PR. I found out because my dad uses a van for work and we also share a car and he has been using the car very frequently in recent times, e.g. to fetch the woman to work every morning. I got suspicious of what he was doing so I viewed the car’s video recording and got a lot of information about the China woman through their car conversations. (Not proud of invading his privacy but I got to do what I got to do)

Specifically, I found out that she had recently bought over a neighbourhood hair salon with the financial help of my dad. He gave her at least $10k. She has also been pestering him to help pay off her debts because she also borrowed money to buy over the salon. She just wants to hurry and start making cash inflows without needing to pay off her debts.

She also claimed that she is not after his wealth and does not intend to marry him if she divorces in the future. She only wants to have her own house and suggested to buy a 2 room apartment with my dad paying half – 1 rm for her son, 1 rm for her and my dad could go over anytime. (so much for ‘not after his wealth’)

From my perspective, I see that my dad is totally in love with her, showering her with lavish gifts, paying for meals, sending her to work, etc. (I see what he buys for her because I handle his credit card bills). Whereas this China woman is simply making use of him. From the recordings, I see how she gradually progressed from just ‘companionship’ to making him ‘invest’ in her salon to asking him to buy a house with her (which may happen if this continues). She also talked about being careful not to be caught by her husband and she was concerned whether her salon could help keep her PR status. I suspect that if he divorces her, she might be sent back to China? So she’s probably making use of my dad to ramp up her salon income quickly while milking his money.

I have talked to my dad once and asked him who this woman was because he brought her home once thinking nobody was home, but I came back home and bumped into them. He only revealed that she is a friend and he also invested in her salon. He claims that her skills are good and her salon should be able to do well. (but seriously, such neighbourhood hair salons are everywhere, and what does he even know about hairdressing lmao). At that point, I only told him to be careful of such investments and also beware of such China women who are out to cheat older men. (No disrespect to the many China women who have become successful on their own)

I’m just at a loss right now because I know my dad has the freedom to do whatever he wants. But am I really supposed to just let this China woman milk him??

Feeling hopeless & Not being proud of

I am 39, a mother of 3 whose age from 14, 12 and 5yrs old..I have been married for 14 yrs and never once i was happy in my marriage due to my husband unfaithfulness, abused me and my kids years back but things is different now as i have finally apply ppo and now CPS is now working closely with my kids and lately due to the situation giving, my husband eventually able to come home on certain days just to ensure the safety of myself and my 3 kids..Lately everything was fine and i started to believe my husband after many wrong doing he have done and i am giving him a chance to prove that he is wiling to change and to be faithful, loving me and my kids..My husband with the kids is doing great but sadly my husband started to drift apart from..No much hug, love and kiss me..I always felt that i am like a dirt to him..is always me who comes to him and take care of his heart but when comes to me, he just treat me like a chicken..If he want to have S with me, he just do it and if not he just give excuses or move away..Not sure if he still sleep around just like how he used to be when i pregnant with all my 3 kids..

I am tired to be his doormat and i am not sure if he really proud to have me in his life for once or ever love me..I am living for my 3 kids now..I need attention and to be loved and appreciated

#whattodonext# Should i leave him?

Here are what netizens think:

• Yes, leave him. No one deserves to be treated like a doormat or a piece of rag. You gave him the best part of your youth, gave him 3 beautiful children, and all you get back from him is sadness and grief all these years. Please live for yourself. Kids will grow up and eventually have their own lives too. It’s never too late to start anew.

• You have made the first step to a better future by applying for PPO and CPS. Now you need to gather the courage to leave as soon as possible, starting by distancing yourself emotionally from him. People rarely change. Since he has shown you the type of person he is, you have to accept it and not hope he will improve.

• There’s no longer a relationship, it’s just a shell. A marriage on paper only. You can decide for yourself if this is the long term path for you and your kids, or would you like to create a new path and find happiness again.
• You need to love yourself more. Not ask questions about, I don’t know if he is ever proud or you or love you.
• Because a man who sleeps around, just do not have respect for you.

My husband confessed that he has been having an emotional affair and it’s breaking me

I’ve married my husband for 9 years we have a son together.

Last week he confessed to me that he thinks he has started an emotional affair with a coworker of his. He said that this has been going on for a few months and he didn’t feel guilty. He said that he never touched her romantically, but he had feelings for both of us. He said he, of course, would choose me over any woman but still I’ve been hurting since I found this it and I don’t know what to do.

The girl is in her mid 20s, she hasn’t had any kids, she’s so pretty and she has a piece of his heart. I don’t know what I’ve been doing wrong for him to catch feelings for another woman. This is devastating to me. Honestly I’d rather he had just slept with her and had no feelings for her whatsoever. That would be easier.

I don’t know how I can get past this. We have a family that I don’t want to break up and I still love him, and he’s ending everything with her, but now I feel broken. I don’t even know of I can trust him again.

I don’t know what to do.

He said he did not feel guilty because it was an accident and he didn’t intend for anything to go as far as it did.

There were a lot of messages exchanged between them and he said they went on 2 “dates” but there was nothing physical.

He said he’d end the affair but right now we can’t afford for him to quit the job. He said that he was going to stop seeing her outside of work and said he has already blocked her on everything.