Chinese new year visitation

Hello:

Seeking an advice here. Any advice is welcome. I just got married last year in November. I am an only child and before I got married, I spend CNY yearly with my mother.

Last night she told me her expectations for this coming CNY. She told me I must eat reunion dinner with her on CNY Eve night, attend visitations with her to her siblings house on CNY 1-3. She asked me to go back to my husband and in-laws only on day 4.

She said I am not counted as officially married in hers and her side of the family, as I never held any traditional Chinese wedding. My husband and I only ROM, had our wedding photos taken and applied for a flat. My husband wished to treat her an early CNY Eve lunch on actual CNY day but she denied his good will. She also said he stole her daughter.

I told my mother, i need to spare a thought for your feelings, so what about my in laws and my husband? You want my husband to turn up at gatherings as a single man? She called me an unfilial B whom only knows how to sleep with a man. She said I cared only for strangers not her.

Does all of you have a mother like her? How do I deal with her?

Here are what netizens think:

• Your mum just want to guilt trip you la. First of all, you are married in the eyes of the law, whether she likes it or not, your surname have changed and that’s a fact. I have learn that not all parents deserves respect. The fact that she had to say those nasty words to get you through to you just shows that she doesn’t deserve respect. So, why do you need to listen to someone who doesn’t deserve your respect? Just do what you need to do

• In law, you’re married (unless it’s nullified for non consummation). We know from the Bible that while we are boen of our parents, we are united as one with our spouse in marriage. Your mom is clearly hostile n antagonistic towards your hubby. While you continue to love her n be filial, you can’t let her ride roughshod over you and your marriage. Over time she must learn, and she will.

• u didn’t share how she have been treating u since birth until now. If she’s always very nice and suddenly act like that, there must be a reason behind.

• Your mum might have separation anxiety. And u r the only child, thus she can’t accept that u belongs to someone now. Since she’s a traditional woman, you should hold a Chinese wedding to give her a 交代 if not she will forever feel u have not married ( u can hold a small Chinese wedding also can if cost is an issue) She also feel 打抱不平 that her only child did not have an official wedding that’s y she Angry your hubby la. If u do properly all this thing maybe she won’t be angry. Also is it u seldom accompany her? That’s y she very needy. Wish u r around her all the time… is time u start to sit down and have a talk with her maybe u might learn the truth on why she’s like that

• U married into his family. U changed ur surname after his. So it’s natural your husband side will be priority. Like it or not that’s a fact and that’s the tradition. Or maybe squeeze time to visit both side on the same day lor.

Is it culturally ok to return angbao money back to parents?

Sorry if this is an odd question, ill cut to the chase. My dad paynow’d me angbao money for CNY. For reasons that i will not get into, I do not like my dad.

I resent him for the things he’s done and i don’t want his money.

Is it culturally acceptable for me to return the money back to him? I’m quite ‘superstitious’ myself but im not very culturally connected to my chinese roots so i don’t know much besides things like not cleaning the house during cny days and don’t open angbao money until after cny days.

Netizens’ comments

1. The angbao is meant to convey good wishes. It is not about the money.
   If you don’t wish to keep the money, pass the sum to your mum or whoever lives with him and ask them to buy ingredients and cook him a good meal.
2. Do you mean you’re superstitious instead of auspicious?
   Generally CNY is all about good vibes and having a good start to the year. Fighting, arguments, disagreements are also discouraged. If you wanna keep to that, then I suggest just keeping the money for now. It’s his goodwill, and it would be generous of you to accept it.
   However, if you’re too uncomfortable with that, if it makes you feel better, just transfer him back the money, whether it’s superstitious or not.
3. Not sure why you need to check if it is culturally ok since you already resent him lol. If you really want to return then pack it in a red packet. Who knows it might patch some aspects of your relationship with him.
4. it certainly would look disrespectful if I didn’t know the history between you and your dad. if that’s the intention then you just transfer him back.
   otherwise maybe buy him something with that money and take it as you have no debt.

My gf thinks there is a standard rate for ang pows

My girlfriend thinks there is a standard rate for CNY ang pows. Just like for wedding ang pows. She went my house for CNY visiting (in JB, brought along 2 cans of abalone) and received an ang pow from my mum, and it contains 10 dollars(my siblings, myself, their spouses and grandkids all got 10 dollars in their ang pows). And she feels slighted by it because 10 dollars is the lowest she got among all the ang pows she got from her Singaporean relatives. And she expects the notes to be new notes instead of used note.

My opinion is CNY ang pow is just a gesture and the amount don’t really matter. I was trying to defend my parents saying probably got to do with the job and income my parents had(now they are retired), so that’s what they think is “good enough”. But my gf thinks I’m brushing aside her feelings and being defensive of my parents.

And then she asked me back, how much will I pack for my parents when if I give them one for CNY. I said ok maybe RM100. She said “why not 10 dollars? Or RM50? Because you think it’s not appropriate right?”. But I thought the amount I gave is just based on what’s comfortable for me.

It’s a bit frustrating. What are your opinion, and how can I let her see my point?

And can you also state your gender when you comment, so I can see whether men and women thinks differently.

Netizens’ comments

• no offence, but your girlfriend sounds insufferable.
  • Do not upgrade to wife.
    • Better yet, upgrade her to stranger.
      • Let’s just hope it’s ex-girlfriend by now.

My daughter is due in a month, and I want absolutely no part of being a dad

Sorry for the rambling post but I need to get my true thoughts out somewhere, because I can’t really talk to my family for fear of worrying them and I can’t talk to my friends or I will get judged. Yes, judge me all you want, I know all logic and reasoning tends to go out the window when children/parenting is involved so I expect to get called all sorts of things.

I am 22 and my girlfriend is 21. We have been dating since 19/18. She is an amazing person and I am lucky to have her. From the time I met her she told me that she could not have kids due to something something being on birth control at too young an age screwed up her reproductive system. I didn’t pry too much but she did assure me she could not get pregnant and if she did, she had such a low chance of safely carrying a baby to term that she would get an abortion just to be on the safe side.

Well, in July of 2022 we found out she was pregnant. She initially said she’d get an abortion but then walked back on it and said she wanted to keep it. She had been bothering me about having a child for months beforehand and I kept telling her that we are not ready (and we’re still not). So I really should’ve seen this coming but I was stupid and made a stupid mistake. She did ultimately concede to aborting the child but I saw how happy it made her so I told her it’s her choice and if she wanted to keep it I’d support her in it.

Throughout the whole pregnancy I have done the opposite of come to terms with it. I was initially somewhat optimistic (although freaked out) but in the past couple months, as the baby’s due date comes closer and the whole thing becomes more real my mental health has severely deteriorated and I have become much more pessimistic about the situation.

I am not a loving or caring person. I only care about myself and few people around me. I am not violent or angry, I get along well with people, my girlfriend loves me because I am gentle and reasonable with her but it is the case that I just do not give a single damn about any other living being and I don’t want to be responsible for raising one. I have always hated children, I vowed to be childfree from the age of about 12. No part of having a smelly, loud, annoying, energetic, needy, dependent living creature relying on me for survival appeals to me in the slightest. I choose not to own pets because I can’t even take care of them, remembering to feed a goldfish once a day or whatever is quite literally too much for me.

During her pregnancy my girlfriend has been the happiest I’ve ever seen her, but just before she got pregnant was probably the worst couple months of our relationship where we were constantly fighting about something. I am scared that the strain of being a parent is going to plunge our relationship back into that state or worse and the child will pay for it. I work a job that has me away from home for long periods of time and I am worried that she will say I am not home enough for the child. I have worked towards this job since I was 14, it has been basically the only thing on my mind in the last 8 years and I have zero plans to give it up and find something closer to home so I can look after the child. I only got my trade certification three months ago and started making really good money. I am upset that what would have been an amazing few years of traveling, not stressing about money, and building a great life together has been demolished by a child that I never asked for.

She is optimistic, overly so, she has helped out with her friends’ kids here and there and as such thinks that raising them is a complete walk in the park. She has all these grand ideas of how every other parent just has it wrong and she has THE KEY to making a baby stop crying or [insert common parenting issue here]. I’m glad she’s optimistic and happy but I am very concerned that as soon as she is faced with being a parent for real she’s going to realize it’s not all sunshine and rainbows and end up worse off than before.

The worst part is that I’ve found men are expected to drop everything to be a dad. Let me just say I have no plans to leave her, I will stay in her and my daughter’s life and financially support them, and when I’m home on my days off from work I will chip in with parenting duties. But men in my situation are expected to do just as much if not more work than the women, shouldering the responsibility of providing for the family AND spending every waking moment with their child outside of work. Any man that wants to come home and relax is labelled a deadbeat, loser, piece of shit etc. And the worst part is that we have no say in it, the mother can abort the child or give up for adoption but a father makes a mistake and pays for the rest of his life for it whether he wants to or not.

I didn’t kill anyone, I didn’t harm anyone, I didn’t steal anything. I have made a mistake by virtue of being young and stupid. I don’t believe I deserve to pay for the rest of my life for it.

I’m sure the child will come out, life will continue, the world will keep turning and our issues will be worked through and she will grow up happy and healthy with two good parents who want the best for her. But I am upset that this child has stolen the best years of my life from me. I no longer have my youth, I can’t do spontaneous things with my friends, I can’t work my ass off away without somebody begging me to come home, I can’t devote all my energy and time and attention to me or my own interests anymore. I can’t have a picturesque relationship with my girlfriend where we can go travel and have fun and just be young people without something tying us down. My brother and his wife are both in their 30s, very high earners with no kids and their life looks amazing. Now that I have just reached the point where that will be possible I have this annoying, screaming, plan-ruining imp in my care.

In writing this post I am finding I’m barely even able to put my thoughts into words. I keep talking about traveling and stuff but it’s just so much more that will change, my entire life as I know it will and I’m just not ready for it. It’s not something I asked for, it’s not something I want, it’s not something I deserve and it’s not something my child deserves.

What’s even worse is that my deteriorating mental health is taking a toll on my girlfriend. I’m trying to be optimistic to her, I’m trying to hide my thoughts but I just cannot be fake with people. I can’t look the woman I love in the face and lie through my teeth about how excited I am for this baby. I am dreading it so very much that I can’t even pretend to be happy about it just to make life easier for her. I hate it and I hate myself for it, she doesn’t deserve to have to carry a child while looking after her boyfriend but I just can’t make myself be happy about it and every day it gets worse. I’ve tried all the things that I used to do to make myself happy and none of it works anymore. I realize after typing that sentence that it sounds like I do drugs or something but no I’m talking about spending time in nature, playing video games I enjoy, etc. It all just feels so empty now because every other thought I have is about the baby and how much I am dreading having to be a father.

I’m not sure how I can end this properly so yeah, there’s my thoughts, if you want to judge me for being a shitty human being go for it, if you want to make assumptions about my personal life or how I treat people go for it, if you have any advice go for it, thanks for reading. I’ll be impressed if anyone made it this far.

I’m extremely envious of people who have the means to travel

I live in a somewhat comfortable financial situation right now, but after the bills are paid and put money into savings for a house, I don’t have much left for things like traveling.

I have never been on a plane and I grew up in a family that could barely afford holidays.

I’m almost 40 and it’s embarrassing when I have told people how I have never been on a plane. I have relatives who are decade younger than me who have been to various countries.

I feel “behind” compared to many people in my life (both friends and relatives). I feel have nothing really to contribute when it comes to travel and culture topics.

Last night, I went over to a friend’s house to watch football and there was a group about 10 of us. One friend was there with her boyfriend and she talked about they are going on a cruise this summer.

The envy started to flare up last night and when I came home I stayed up until 2 am being very bitter about not having the extra means to travel.

I realize this is unhealthy, but it’s hard to always to be the person who is “behind in life” due to not being able to travel while also trying to save for a house and other necessities in life.

I have a lot envy towards friends and relatives who can travel and I sometimes end up having unnecessary hatred towards them.