How do I ask my wife of 31 years that I want a divorce because of an affair she had 11 years ago (56m) (51f)

My wife fell in love with her trainer and had an affair 11 years ago. I caught her on Facebook messenger and after the usual denial she came clean with all the details.

A lot of texting and emails. I was able to retrieve them-which showed her to be the aggressor. In the short time she said they had one encounter with him performing oral on her she says she didn’t reciprocate, it was only the one time.

Highly suspect and I didn’t believe her. I made her take a lie detector test which she passed but non conclusive. As per my Dr’s recommendation I had her get an STD and hepatitis test which I did as well and all were negative. I was thinking about having the kids tested to see if they are all mine, but I’m not ready for that.

Fast forward 11 years and she has been an excellent wife very regretful (I believe this was a one time mistake but who knows), went to counselling, communicates ok. and I have not been the best (triggers along the way). My intentions was to make the relationship work but after about three years I knew I couldn’t get over the affair.

I stayed for our kids who were all young but have now grown up. I didn’t want to fight with a new father figure in my kids life so I held on. The problem is I can’t get over the affair and the fact that they were both married with children.

Based on my wife’s personality, If I didn’t catch them this would have been a very long term affair. Because of this I am unable to build the same connection (bonding)with my wife. My perception of her has changed and I’m unable to connect with her on a deep trusting level.

The fact that she fell in love and communicated like I would have liked to be communicated to is also a deciding factor. I must admit that I’m a little jealous of the communication that the trainer received from my wife, something in the 31 years of marriage I have never received.

When I specifically asked her on this she told me “it was school girl stuff and that I shouldn’t read into it” and that it “took a lot of energy”. Call me old fashion, but validating and reenforcing the importance of your new affair partner is to your life and happiness is something that should be reserved for your spouse.

Before the affair she was non communicative and just a very cold person. I know it takes two for a marriage and after the affair we have done counselling together and separate, but I didn’t have the affair she did.

I did try to talk to her about our marriage long before it happened and actually confronted her about the trainer two weeks before the indiscretions but she decided to fast track it and make the choice to meet up and sleep with him.

My question is; I have been straight with her from the third year of resuming our relationship and told her this is temporary and at the end of the day we will be getting divorced and she needs to prepare herself.

She has separate credit cards and bank accounts now, which I had to push her to get. The issue I have is when I talk about divorce she gets hysterical and has trouble breathing which frighten’s me.

The last time I thought I was going to have to seriously call an ambulance. How would you break it to her as it’s been about a year since I last brought it up and our relationship is actually going great but I have to move on for my own well being (resentful, not trusting, not wanting to be married etc.)

I was thinking about asking her for a separation (no contact) first. Which might soften the realization that the relationship is over and then file for divorce.

Alternatively, I could file and get the papers served on her and don’t say anything (which I don’t think is fair) but she literally has trouble breathing when I talk about divorce. Any constructive advice or other options would be appreciated.

would you pursue intimate relations with an older co-worker?

i (25f) got a very good-looking colleague, who i got great banter with. we get along pretty well and i was the first person he told that his ex gf broke up with him.

we’ve been flirting for a while now and one day it got so steamy that i thought we were gonna take off our clothes and do it right on the counter lol (but didn’t since it would be unprofessional).

the only thing which could potentially be off-throwing is the age gap between us… there’s such chemistry between us, even though he’s 40yo, but he looks much younger and has the vody of a 27yo tbh

Netizens’ comments

1. My male perspective was I was 26 with a 52 fwb. Amazing. Taught me some tricks. Had a great time.
   Only problem, we worked together. It was fun for a while but then it got weird. I had to find a new job.
   So, there’s that option.
2. Why ask for advice but then shut down the advice? You obviously have your mind set and ready.. just go for it.
3. Fine if you don’t care about the job! It is not going to be pretty in the office if things end badly.
4. As with any potential relationship with a co-worker, I’d say, one of you should quit the job then start hooking up/dating. Not only for ethics, but it can be horrible to engage in such things at work, for many reasons.
5. Between the age gap and working relationship, no, I personally wouldn’t. Been there, done that- three times. I’m a slow learner, but I would never do it again after those experiences.

my dad told my husband to make sure get rid of evidence of cheating

Found out my husband cheated on me online and I was crying and shouting and my dad told my husband that next time he cheats, make sure he deletes evidence and be careful. (?!?!?!?!?)

He is a serial cheater himself.

My mum has suffered enough and I can not believe that’s what he told my husband . My mum on the other hand, thinks that I should forgive my husband and not fight with him because his one year of online cheating is only online.

What kind of parents does this???????

EDIT: MIL also told me that what his son did was just like looking through a sexy magazine.

Another edit: How was it online cheating? He was on multiple dating apps and websites, had video calls where he touched himself and talked to women, had a different instagram and saved a lot of screenshots of dating profiles, photos conversations and video calls, etc.

this is the start of my villain arc

I was born into poverty in a small family. I had no parents or family to take care of me, so I had to fend for myself.

I was determined to make something of myself and, when I was old enough, I decided to go to the local temple in search of a job.

I was welcomed warmly by the local priest and he gave me a job as a “medium”, somebody who would communicate with the gods and spirits. I was so excited and thought that this was my destiny. I was finally able to make something of myself and I was sure that I was going to be successful in this new role.

Little did I know what was in store for me. As soon as I started working, I was treated worse than a dog. I was given the worst jobs, the most menial tasks, and never received any recognition or appreciation. I was expected to work long hours and was never given any food or rest.

I was constantly scolded and chastised for the slightest mistakes or for not working fast enough.

I was so desperate to make something of myself that I continued to work, despite the abuse. I thought that if I just worked harder, I would eventually be rewarded for my efforts. But nothing changed.

My situation got even worse when I started hearing rumours about the temple. People were saying that the priests were using me as a medium to make money. They were using me to contact the gods and spirits and make prophecies that people would pay for. They were exploiting me and using me for their own gain.

I was determined to get out of this situation, but I had no one to turn to. I was afraid and alone and had nowhere to go. I was too scared to speak out and I felt like I had no choice but to continue to suffer in silence.

Eventually, I decided to leave the temple. I knew that it was not the life I was meant to live and I was determined to make something of myself. I decided to start a small business selling goods at the local market.

I was recently talking to a friend of mine about what he finds attractive in a woman.

He had a lot of great things to say about the qualities he looks for in someone he wants to date.

But the one thing that really stuck with me was when he said that the most unattractive women are those who are always insecure.

I couldn’t agree more. Insecurity is a huge turn-off, regardless of gender. It’s a sign that the person doesn’t have the confidence they need to take on life’s challenges. And in a relationship, that lack of confidence can lead to a lot of unnecessary drama and arguments.

Insecurity can manifest in many different ways. It could be something as simple as constantly seeking validation from others or needing constant reassurance that you’re attractive, smart, successful, etc. It could also be more extreme, such as being overly jealous and possessive or constantly comparing yourself to others. All of these behaviors are unattractive because they demonstrate a lack of self-worth and the inability to accept yourself for who you are.

The opposite of insecurity is confidence. Confidence is attractive because it shows that you know and accept yourself for who you are. It’s also a sign that you’re comfortable in your own skin and that you’re not afraid to take risks or put yourself out there. When someone is confident, it’s much easier to trust and rely on them.

Insecurity can also lead to codependency. If someone is always seeking validation and reassurance from others, it can lead to a situation where they are too dependent on their partner for their happiness and well-being. This can lead to a lot of resentment and anger and it can be hard to have a healthy, balanced relationship.

Finally, insecurity can make it hard to trust. If someone is constantly doubting themselves and second-guessing their decisions, it can be hard to trust in their ability to make the right choices. This can create a lot of friction and tension in a relationship, and it can also lead to feelings of insecurity in the other person as well.

In conclusion, insecurity is one of the most unattractive traits in a person. It’s a sign that someone is lacking in self-confidence and self-worth, and it can lead to a lot of unnecessary drama and tension in a relationship. The best way to combat insecurity is to focus on building your self-confidence and self-esteem. Once you’ve done that, you’ll be much more attractive and confident in yourself, and you won’t be so prone to insecurity.

 I remember it like it was yesterday. I had finally gotten the girl of my dreams. She was beautiful, smart, and had the most incredible eyes. I was so excited to finally have found someone that I could share my life with.

We started dating and I was so happy. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have found someone that I felt so deeply for. I wanted to show her how much I cared for her and we would often go out for dinner or on romantic walks.

It was on one of these walks that I first noticed the smell. At first, I thought it was just something in the air, but as we continued walking, the smell became more and more pungent. I tried to ignore it, but I couldn’t help but notice it.

Finally, I asked her about it and she admitted that she had a problem with body odor. She told me that she had always had this issue and that she was embarrassed about it. I could tell that she was really embarrassed and I wanted to make her feel better, so I reassured her that it wasn’t a big deal and that I still cared for her.

In the weeks that followed, we kept dating, but I started to notice that the smell was getting worse. I could smell it even when I wasn’t close to her. I started to wonder if she was doing something to make it worse, but I was too afraid to bring it up.

Finally, I decided to confront her about it. I told her that I had noticed the smell and that it was getting worse. She told me that she had tried everything she could to try to get rid of it, but nothing had worked. She said that she was embarrassed and ashamed of the way she smelled and that she was scared that it was going to ruin our relationship.

I reassured her that it wouldn’t and that I still cared for her. I told her that I wanted to help her find a solution. We looked into different products and treatments and eventually found something that worked.

It has been a few months since I first noticed the smell and things have been great since then. We are still together and I don’t notice the smell anymore. I am so glad that I was able to help her find a solution and that she was able to overcome this issue.

I am so thankful that I was able to look past her body odor and still see the amazing person that she is. I know that it is not something that a lot of people would be willing to do, but I am so glad that I did. I love her and I am so thankful that I was able to help her overcome this issue and still be together.

Do local guys face a lot of competition when it comes to finding a partner?

So I just had this discussion with one of my friends who said that local guys have to compete with each other and foreign guys for a partner.

Being a single male I’ve been in the dating scene for quite a while but I don’t think the competition is that cutthroat as my friend made it out to be.

So it got me thinking about how other guys/girls feel about this question.

Thoughts?

Netizens’ comments

1. Think the primary issue is less about finding “a” partner but rather finding “the” partner. Think you need to know what you want first because “a” partner is very vague. Some wants a life partner, some wants a fling, some wants quiet lifestyle, some wants power lifestyle, some wants a religious lifestyle, some wants to stay far away from religious lifestyle, some wants to build a home, some wants to build a life.
2. There is a larger pool of men on dating apps. If you are a male , you will be competing among 18 year olds to 50 year olds.
3. I feel it’s only tough if you don’t have a “self” that has been crafted for your own. Yes looks matter, but you can have the chiselled jaws of a Greek god but if your dressing is poor you aren’t going to have much luck also. It’s not about whether you wear Uniqlo too, but rather whether you know what works for you. As for interests and hobbies, I think it’s important to have something that really shows your appreciation for life. Like yeah travelling is fun but what about it? This goes for guys and girls. Like don’t just tell me you like to eat and sleep. It says nothing about yourself.
4. If you’re good-looking and have a solid personality and career, you won’t have anything to worry about.
5. That being said, lots of my female friends have told me they prefer dating non-locals now because of the stereotype that SG men are boring and not adventurous.
   I don’t necessarily agree, but if you everyday stay at home play Mobile Legends and then holiday only want to go JB or BKK for massage then not very fun for most women in an increasingly globalised society ah.