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Fiancée(m25) has not told his mother we’re getting married – Me(F24) raising major concern

This whole thing has a lot of details that I will try to condense as much as possible but to get started here’s some background. –

My fiancée(m25) and I(F24) have been dating for 9 years.

We have a 5 year old daughter together and have lived together since my pregnancy. His family has never been a big fan of me and has been fairly open about their distaste in the past – although more recently haven’t been as negative about me. I would say their dislike had it’s height at the end of my pregnancy –

when my partner made the choice not to tell them until I was already 8 months pregnant. I was not close to his family at this time in our lives’ other than the occasional visit so I did not feel at all comfortable being the one to tell them – I was 18 and trying to figure out how I was going to take of a baby.

When he did finally tell them – his mother specifically was horrible to me because I refused to move in with them rather than staying with my own parents who had already prepared space for me and baby.

His mother often brings up that she feels she is put 2nd to my own family and his very rude about. I’ve tried many times to reason with my fiancée that it is not that I mean to put my own family first by any means but simply that my family goes out of their way to include us where his family simply does not.

A good specific example is around the holidays – my family always has had a Christmas lunch rather than dinner and my partner’s family has a dinner. Since we all live in the same city we generally spend the morning with just us(myself, fiancée and daughter) Lunch/early afternoon with my family and Dinner/evening with his family.

Both families truly get equal time and if anything I have cut my time with my family short on the holidays to make sure we get to his families house at time the consider decent to avoid a fight.

Another example of their dislike is they have constantly asked him in the past ”why he likes me, why does he want to stay with me, is he really happy”.. etc.

It’s overall not been a great situation but I’ve tried my best to still be kind and I’ve never once kept my daughter or partner away from his family even when I have chosen to stay home or away from them after a major blow up from his mother.

Onto the most recent concern – I(24F) want to get married – I believe marriage is important and that especially since we have our daughter together, have been dating for 9+ years and living together for 5+ that we should get married.

I respect those who don’t want marriage or don’t view it as important but for me personally it is an important step that I want to take with my partner.

My partner on the other hand does not view it in the same light and has put it off many times. I finally told him this year that it was the next step for me in a relationship and that he needed to make a decision either it was for him as well or not.

He did ultimately ask me to marry him earlier this year(April 2022) and we have a set date for early next year(2023). I’ve told my family and close friends almost immediately out of excitement.

He on the other hand has not told a single soul besides his father. He told his father we were planning to get married but not any other detail as far as when.

His father told him that he was happy for him if that is what he wanted. His father and mother are together but his father has kept his lips sealed per his own choosing and even instructed my partner he shouldn’t tell his mother immediately as she was ‘already in a mood'(this was around end of April early may).

We are now at the end of July – and my partner has still not told anyone else about our engagement and the fact we are full swing planning a wedding together. He tells me that I should keep planning and that he does love me/wants to be with me but get’s extremely stressed/upset/angry/depressed anytime I bring up telling his family.

I’m very concerned that his mom is going to feel similar to how she felt when he did not tell her about our pregnancy. I feel at a loss of what to do because it’s not he is estranged from his parents it’s just a really odd relationship – like he almost seems fake around them.

Like he can tell them about his job, hobbies but not about our relationship what so ever. I don’t feel comfortable telling his mother based on past occurrence’s but also feel like a fraud sitting across from her over dinner and she asks what we’ve been up to – like oh you know just planning a wedding you know nothing about??

I love my partner and I do truly believe he love’s me but this is something he has not been able to work through – the communication with his family is awful and puts a lot of stress on me and I am worried how it will affect our daughter and our family unit moving forward. Like I either want them to be involved and supportive – or to stay the hell away from me and my family(my partner & child).

Any advice?

2 Comm

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Do I have the right to be as upset as I am or is it pregnancy.

I started my current job in April of last year. This lab was not fully functional and part of my job was to help them establish how things would work.

Organize processes & help them to build our new lab. This company is building a new quality/commercial lab. This is something I was made aware of before starting. In June of last year we pick up how much testing and work we were doing.

So they had part-time helpers in the lab. When introduced around the company and to other companies, I was introduced as the lab mgr. My lab coats say lab mgr. They took me out of Singapore to other labs to get ideas for the new lab I was called lab mgr.

I had to wait until June of this year for me to get my raise, due to it being when our reviews are company-wide. I never pressed for an official title change I thought would come with the new lab.

In the last four months We have two new employees. They just graduated university. So, here is where my hormones may be affecting my thoughts. I have pestered my boss for my review, partly because of the raise he said I would get,(He said significant raise)I wanted to know how I was doing, and to ask about my title change. A couple weeks before he submitted it, late. He let me know they hired a lab mgr. He said I still would have a big roll in the lab, that I deserve it and have worked very hard and they see that. He said she would be taking his roll, but mgr. title. So I asked him if I then would be the assistant mgr.?

He said yes. That changed again when he finally submitted my review. (I scored very high with no bad remarks) My raise was definitely not significant more like an average company wide raise. He let me know my title would be lab supervisor. It took me awhile to readjust. My new “office and title” were taken. People within the company kept asking me if I am leaving after having my baby. Or if I had been demoted like I had done something wrong. Even though I keep being told how “great” I am running the lab.

I ask for a bigger raise. I get it no problem. Just to then find out my title will no longer be lab supervisor, or assistant mgr, or mgr. Now I am a team lead. This position they expect the other girls, the ones I have been teaching and training and managing will acquire within the year due to their degrees. (I never completed mine, they knew this hiring me, and promising me the lab mgr. position)

Now, I get the feeling from my new boss that I will never get that opportunity due to my lack of my degree. I have plenty of lab experience, I have been the one running this lab for over a year, working my butt off. Working more hours then asked. Even though I took this job to have more time with my family. I feel like it’s all being taken from me. I am not sure if it’s hormones or ego or a mix of both.

I loved this company and part of me really still does. However, I can’t help but feel like I am getting walked all over.