Me (33M) and my fiance (32F) are less than 3 months from the wedding and we are at a breaking point
TLDR; 3 months from wedding and we have really bad arguments every 1-2 weeks.

We’ve been living together about 7 months and have a wedding in less then 3 months. Been a couple for just under 3 years.

The first year of our relationship felt nearly perfect. But then we had our first big fight, which was my fault. I was in regular contact text contact with a close female friend who I had known for 7 years.

This friend was someone who had helped me a lot over the years, and was struggling with her mental health and I was on her short list of contact for her therapist in case of emergencies.

My finace knew about this friend, but she didn’t know that we had tried to date for about 2 months (3 years prior), and after it not working out because we had zero romantic compatibility we decided to stay friends.

When she found out that I had dated this friend she exploded, and said she didn’t want any ex’s in my life and that I need to cut contact immediately. I tried to explain that neither of us had romantic feelings for each other, but she basically said I need to chose between the two of them.

So I chose my fiance and told the friend that we shouldn’t be talking anymore. I accepted responsibility for this mistake and agreed that I shouldn’t have been hiding this situation from her. (Was this the right thing to do?)

After cutting off the friend, she was still angry with me for 6 months, often blowing up over small things and yelling at me for hours.

I don’t like confrontation and arguments and for most of this time I just tried to disarm the situation and move on. But often she would escalate any disagreement into a shouting match in an attempt for me to agree with what she says.

It got so absurd that one time I was making fresh coffee in the morning, because I know she loves coffee, and she got mad at me because I didn’t ask her first if she wanted to out to get coffee. There’s no reason we couldn’t have just went and gotten coffee…

Anyway, there were a lot of blowups like this for months, then things seemed to get better for a couple months and I thought we had worked through the issue. I was still very optimistic about our life together, I thought we were returning to the way things were in the first year.

A couple months after engagement we were on an international trip together and she started a fight over something that wasn’t true. I kept pointing out that it wasn’t true but she insisted until it turned into a huge fight and she said she was going to take the next flight out and leave me. I was devastated and told her to do whatever makes her happy. She left the room for an hour, then came back and said she was sorry and that she wouldn’t actually leave.

This is one example, but she’s used this false threat of leaving a lot, explicitly saying if she leaves she will never come back. I will not engage in this hostage type behavior and I’ve always said that she really feels that way then she should leave. I assume she wants me to beg her to stay, but I wont do it. I’ve told her this is toxic behavior and after a while she stopped.

The reality is that this blowups are still continuing, our primary issue is that when we have small disagreements on how we should be treating each other, she will often blow up on me, very angry and yelling.

At first I was very shocked by this, I don’t respond well to angry yelling and I’ve never had it in any of my previous relationships. But after the past year of being berated, I’ve started responding the same way. I feel like my rights aren’t being respected and that if don’t push back as hard as she’s pushing, she will trample me as a person.

It’s very strange because 90% of the time, things are great, she’s kind, we both like each others families. We split housework well and are a great team for tackling projects.

Now we’re close to the wedding date and things haven’t gotten better. She’s tried saying its stress from a laundry list of things, but all the “stressors” are things she’s been dealing with for years before she met me and will continue to exist into the next decade.

I’ve also noticed her snapping at her father sometimes which I had never seen until we got engaged. This really scares me, because her father and I are both easy going people, who almost never get angry. But maybe she thinks this is normal, possibly how her mother treats her father?

I know I made a big mistake, and maybe that broke the relationship. But at this point I’m starting to wonder if there’s any hope things will get better. I’ve told her I’m unhappy and expressed how I feel about the all out screaming arguments happening every 1-2 weeks. It’s not sustainable for me.

Someone close to me recently reached out to ask me if everything was okay because I seemed sad. My fiance says that she loves me and that I’m the perfect person for her, that I’m the only person she ever wants in her life and that I make her incredibly happy. My fiance says that I’m only seeing the negative and that she will work on herself to be more like me. I feel lost and sad.

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Fiancée(m25) has not told his mother we’re getting married – Me(F24) raising major concern

This whole thing has a lot of details that I will try to condense as much as possible but to get started here’s some background. –

My fiancée(m25) and I(F24) have been dating for 9 years.

We have a 5 year old daughter together and have lived together since my pregnancy. His family has never been a big fan of me and has been fairly open about their distaste in the past – although more recently haven’t been as negative about me. I would say their dislike had it’s height at the end of my pregnancy –

when my partner made the choice not to tell them until I was already 8 months pregnant. I was not close to his family at this time in our lives’ other than the occasional visit so I did not feel at all comfortable being the one to tell them – I was 18 and trying to figure out how I was going to take of a baby.

When he did finally tell them – his mother specifically was horrible to me because I refused to move in with them rather than staying with my own parents who had already prepared space for me and baby.

His mother often brings up that she feels she is put 2nd to my own family and his very rude about. I’ve tried many times to reason with my fiancée that it is not that I mean to put my own family first by any means but simply that my family goes out of their way to include us where his family simply does not.

A good specific example is around the holidays – my family always has had a Christmas lunch rather than dinner and my partner’s family has a dinner. Since we all live in the same city we generally spend the morning with just us(myself, fiancée and daughter) Lunch/early afternoon with my family and Dinner/evening with his family.

Both families truly get equal time and if anything I have cut my time with my family short on the holidays to make sure we get to his families house at time the consider decent to avoid a fight.

Another example of their dislike is they have constantly asked him in the past ”why he likes me, why does he want to stay with me, is he really happy”.. etc.

It’s overall not been a great situation but I’ve tried my best to still be kind and I’ve never once kept my daughter or partner away from his family even when I have chosen to stay home or away from them after a major blow up from his mother.

Onto the most recent concern – I(24F) want to get married – I believe marriage is important and that especially since we have our daughter together, have been dating for 9+ years and living together for 5+ that we should get married.

I respect those who don’t want marriage or don’t view it as important but for me personally it is an important step that I want to take with my partner.

My partner on the other hand does not view it in the same light and has put it off many times. I finally told him this year that it was the next step for me in a relationship and that he needed to make a decision either it was for him as well or not.

He did ultimately ask me to marry him earlier this year(April 2022) and we have a set date for early next year(2023). I’ve told my family and close friends almost immediately out of excitement.

He on the other hand has not told a single soul besides his father. He told his father we were planning to get married but not any other detail as far as when.

His father told him that he was happy for him if that is what he wanted. His father and mother are together but his father has kept his lips sealed per his own choosing and even instructed my partner he shouldn’t tell his mother immediately as she was ‘already in a mood'(this was around end of April early may).

We are now at the end of July – and my partner has still not told anyone else about our engagement and the fact we are full swing planning a wedding together. He tells me that I should keep planning and that he does love me/wants to be with me but get’s extremely stressed/upset/angry/depressed anytime I bring up telling his family.

I’m very concerned that his mom is going to feel similar to how she felt when he did not tell her about our pregnancy. I feel at a loss of what to do because it’s not he is estranged from his parents it’s just a really odd relationship – like he almost seems fake around them.

Like he can tell them about his job, hobbies but not about our relationship what so ever. I don’t feel comfortable telling his mother based on past occurrence’s but also feel like a fraud sitting across from her over dinner and she asks what we’ve been up to – like oh you know just planning a wedding you know nothing about??

I love my partner and I do truly believe he love’s me but this is something he has not been able to work through – the communication with his family is awful and puts a lot of stress on me and I am worried how it will affect our daughter and our family unit moving forward. Like I either want them to be involved and supportive – or to stay the hell away from me and my family(my partner & child).

Any advice?

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