Is this gaslighting?

Hello everyone, sincerely thankful for any kind advice here. I have worked for a few months and then quit my job despite the pandemic because I feel that my manager is toxic and is affecting my mental health such as I couldn’t sleep at night thinking that tmr will come soon and I have to face her again.

In my days working with her, she will get angry at multiple things that I do if I did not do it in the way that she expected. For example, at 9pm we receive a text message saying that the next day 11am our big boss wants to tell us something about our website and we all replied ok in the group chat. The next morning, she texted me asking why I did not take the initiative to prepare any reports on our website for 11am meeting and say that she kept quiet because she wants to see how proactive am I in this job, so things such as preparing a report should be what I have done instead of her asking me to do it. I was very confused because the message clearly was that our big boss wants to tell us something, not to discuss any reports? So I was forced to scramble through the analytics to come up with something and since the time is tight, I was very stressed. In the end, our big boss did not ask anything about the website analytics but just to inform us what he thinks we can do to make our website look better.

As I was constantly being told that I am a poor performer, cannot live up to expectations, I am very lazy, I am someone who thinks highly of myself that is why I will never change – I was told all these to a point where I start to think is there a problem with myself? I have heard that when this new manager just got promoted, she fired almost everyone in the department as “they won’t listen to her”, and after I quit, many others (including newcomers and old employees who worked for 10 years, 20 years) have also quit.

I am using this platform to ask is because until now I am still very confused – is it that I really have a problem? I am scared that this experience will affect my character negatively as every time my ex manager is unhappy with the things that I do, she wants me to write an essay to her, reflecting on what I have done wrong.

Subsequently, when I interact with others, I will keep thinking that I will do the wrong things and people will dislike me. Is this normal? Is this a kind of gaslighting when I was being constantly told that there is something wrong with me when there is not?

Thank you for any advice, I really hope to recover better mentally and move on with a normal life.

Similar stories:

I am an insurance agent. So many negative and hilarious posts about my job. Thought I’ll offer another perspective to some people who are considering joining.

My credentials: I am under 30, in this line for years, quarter-million annual taxable income, MDRT and all the other awards, blah blah blah….

1. Do not underestimate the privilege of having no liabilities & responsibilities.

I joined this line at 21, and only needed to take care of myself financially. This means I could afford to earn only $12k a year back then while building my career slowly and organically. Treating every day working as a learning opportunity rather than being super despo to close the sale. Those desperate to close the sale usually fail because consumers are not idiots. Then it becomes a vicious cycle, no sale = no money = more despo. Trust me, you will earn like nuts the first few years. That’s normal. Those “successful”, “young” agents that earn money “fast” are liars. There are so many dirty tricks in this industry to con the consumers. If you know you know.

2. Literally get good at money.

So many agents only call themselves “investment specialists” but can only sell their companies’ ILP. That’s bull. I know so many junior agents that do not even have a brokerage account and whatever issues the client has, ILP will always be the answer. While you are earning like peanuts, you should invest your own money and be legit good. Attend courses like CFA, CFP, ChFC, Certified Private Banking etc and APPLY the knowledge learnt. Do your own investments, talk to doctors to be aware of medical trends, be extremely familiar with all the different hospitals processes. Personally, I have certain qualifications and run my own investment holdings company, hence clients trust my advice more than some XMM in a LV bag talking about why her ILP is the best.

3. Network like f.

Consumers can buy insurance online and this trend will increase in the future. So what is the agent’s value proposition? I am the problem solver. Need some free legal advice? I can set up an informal dinner with my lawyer clients. Need a medical appt soon, I can bypass the long waiting time and set one for you within 3 days. Need to divorce your spouse? I know many private investigators and dirty tricks to increase your chances of winning. Need car mechanics and workshops? I get kickbacks from the shops and pass it to you as a form of savings. Need renovators and interior designers? I know people. Wanna get a job in IB (JP, UBS, Morgan Stanley etc), I know people, lemme set up a lunch. This network is exclusive to paying customers only, not even my extended family or friends have access to it, unless they are paying customers. The more the customers pay, the more priority you get in my network. So, it becomes a bidding war among customers and it makes good business sense.

That’s all. You can earn a lot in this career, but it is all blood sweat and tears. Young naive people also quite dumb ah, you think can just suka suka earn $100K fresh out of school, with no qualifications meh? There is always a price to pay, hope this enlightens people out there.

Maybe I shall do a confession exposing how agents appear successful? and churning practices? hahahahaha

When I was 14 I found out my dad stepped out on my mom and got another woman pregnant when I was a baby, so I have a half-sister I’d never met. My mom found out when she realized he was making child support payments, and she kicked him out for a few weeks but she eventually forgave him on the condition that he never contacts the “affair baby” (her words) and she never has to hear about or see her.

I’d grown up the youngest of the family with 4 older brothers so little 14yo me was just excited to have a) a sister and b) a younger sister at that. I begged my dad to get me in contact with her and eventually he gave me her name so I could look her up on social media. Turns out she knew already she had half-siblings, her mom was pretty open with her about the situation, and she had always been pretty curious to know us, so she was happy to be in contact with me.

I gave my mom a heads up that I was talking to my half-sister and she was obviously very unhappy about it and said she just didn’t want to know about it. My half-sister and I became really close, I didn’t tell my mom about it, it was weird but we made it work. Fast forward 6 years and both me and my half-sister were starting to think about moving out of the home. We both felt like the most obvious thing to do was get a place together, since we both needed a housemate at the same time in the same area, and we were so close, but with my mom’s issues with her, we weren’t sure.

Eventually, I just bit the bullet and asked my mom how she’d feel if I moved in with my half sister. Again she was obviously not thrilled about it but said she’d be fine with it as long as she doesn’t have to see or hear anything about my sister. I took that to mean if I wanted to spend time with my mom I’d just go visit home or we’d go out somewhere together. After we moved in, I found out my mom meant she wanted to come visit me sometimes and she wanted me to either have my sister leave or hide in her room for that time.

She’s acting like I should have known that without her telling me, and she’s upset with me that I refuse to kick my sister out of her own flat or make her hide like Harry Potter, “I’ll be in my room, making no noise, and pretending I don’t exist”. It turns out she’s also mad at me for moving in with her in the first place, apparently, I was supposed to know that when she insisted she’d be fine with it, she actually wanted me to not do it.

Here is what netizens think:

• Think your mom needs marriage counseling and therapy. She “forgave” your father but faulted his child when it wasn’t her fault. Guess she thought that by pretending the child didn’t exist, her marriage isn’t broken and her family remains whole.

• My grandmother did this and my grandfather didn’t even cheat. He was married before he met her and had kids together. When he got with my grandma, she banned him from seeing the kids or contacting them. I didn’t even know I had other aunts and uncles until he passed away. My mom’s two half brothers wanted nothing to do with him after he cut them off like that, but my mom’s half sister was devastated because before that, she was a daddy’s girl. Neither of my grandparents were good people, but I never understood how she could punish literal children for her own jealousy.

• My husband cheated on me and got a young woman, 10 years younger than our sons, pregnant. Our marriage ended despite his protests because it was not his first time to cheat. He ended up marrying the young female. We have a grandchild that was born two months after this child was born and they are the best of friends. I see her at birthday parties, I hear about her through the other grandchildren, etc