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Wednesday, July 24, 2024


(M43) my partner of 15 years (F38) admitted to having a drink too much in a work party and kissing a co-worker and I ended it and moved out. Now I’m being blamed


In August she came back from on overseas work trip, and she was not really herself. I thought she was tired or having a work issue that she’d rather not discuss so I acted normally and never brought it up.

Early September she said we need to talk, then confessed that after the work thing everyone went to the hotel’s bar to celebrate and that someone kissed her and she kissed him back. She said she had drunk wine and says it wouldn’t have happened without the alcohol.

We’ve been together for about 15 years, neither had the desire to have children so we have none, I always treated her with respect and trusted her fully, and the few disagreements we had over the years were silly nonsense that we worked out immediately and never even had one event that amounts to a “fight”.

Still, cheating is and has always been to me a definitive and immediate relation killer. I knew exactly where I stood and didn’t even think twice before telling her that I appreciate her honesty and the fact that she did not want to continue living a lie, but that it was over and I’ll begin moving out in a few days. I couldn’t stay with her in the same place and needed time to take in the shock so I went and stayed with my mother and let it all dawn on me. It was painful, I felt immense betrayal, I thought about the best years of my life that I wasted with her and the times I shut down attempts by women or left immediately when I felt someone was becoming flirtatious, and I just felt like an utter fool.


Anyway I got calls from mutual friends and her family, and I remained very respectful to her but told everyone that I can’t recover from something like that and that it’s over and no hard feelings. I then went back while she was out and took a few pieces of my own clothing and books and left everything else. Did not want to look pity and take any other items even the things that I bought, which is basically pretty much everything since I always wanted to be the provider.

That was in October, and since then I’ve been slowly recovering psychologically and getting back to my normal routine, and I think I will be alright. Naturally I remember things from all the years we’ve been together and I feel deep dark sadness, but I don’t miss her nor want her back, and I can’t imagine being with her again now that I visualize her kissing another man. I am thoroughly repulsed.

The problem is that people on my side, a couple of my own friends and a few family members, have begun telling me that I was mistaken and they just couldn’t tell me that during the tougher times when my world was crashing down. I hear things like “a single kiss is nothing”, “it’s not like they slept together or even made out”, “you can’t throw away 15 years for a few seconds of weakness”, and the one I get the most is one form or another of “it was the wine”.

As much as I’d like to claim that I’m totally confident and no words by anyone would made me doubt myself, they succeeded in making me wonder if I’d reacted in the wrong way. It takes time for my change of address to take effect, so she still gets my mail and bills and calls me, and I go to pick them up and act politely but very robotically. She still tells me that she’s sorry and she’d do anything to get another chance, but the betrayal keeps replaying in my head and it’s horrific. I don’t want to be with her ever again.

Now I’m neither looking for affirmation nor blame. I’m seeking your honest opinions no matter what they are, and I can take it no problems. Don’t spare my feelings or anything. Just tell it as it is. Thanks you

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