Finally walking away from toxicity
I started a casual relationship with this guy for the past 1 year ish, though we had been acquaintance for the past decade and met each other for meals on and off.
Initially, it was great because the chemistry in bed was amazing. But I always knew he wasn’t the committal kind which was what I am seeking too.
The chemistry was so good that I started having feelings bcos he was such good listener.
The thing is, when we are apart, he hardly ever finds me or replies really slowly (12 hrs is my respectful allowance) except for flirty texts of course. He lies about certain stuff regarding his social media activities, leaves flirty comments on sexy girls account but he always has a reason for them.
He shows avoidance (get angry at me instead) when I talk to him about my feelings and how he once accidentally went overboard in bed. He apologised but he never really kept his words when he said them (going back on plans, never make up things to me).
I know we are non-committal and I have no rights but, these are certain things we spoke about being exclusive. I feel that basic respect about my feelings and time and talks like a friend is what I expected. We were on and off, we pushed each other away but we always end up coming together in this vicious merry go round.
I was clouded a lot by emotions and lust. Overtime I recognise that he’s gaslighting and toxic but I always justify his behaviour (a lot, thinking deep down hes a good guy but he has some issues to deal with) as I later realised I was in denial. I find myself allowing this guy to scrape away layer and layer of my self worth, value and even feeling insecure and anxious among others. I finally got hurt and angry enough to not go back to him because he doesn’t know (pretend to not know) what hes done wrong or why I’m so upset. I question his integrity a lot in certain situations as well.
Deep down there’s still that 10% of hope that he’s a good guy but the disrespect I feel is REAL.
I’ve dragged on longer than I should have, I deserve the hurt and am responsible for my poor decision. Thankful that I wasnt pregnant and I find the strength to walk out.
I’m sharing this to encourage others to walk away if your instinct tells you that something is off. And not to be in a toxic environment just because you’re clouded and afraid to be alone.