It’s tough to be gay
Im in my 30s (M) and I have never dated my entire life.
When I was a teenager, I started to develop feelings for guys. It was terrifying for me because I know that in this society, being gay is hard and will be judged. So I kept it a secret and shut myself out from any relationship opportunities. Anyone who asked, I’d say that I am not ready for one and prefer to be alone.
In the present day, I have come in terms with my sexuality that I am very likely to be gay- with a slight chance of bisexuality but closeted. I am open to dating now and longing to tryout a relationship but this made me feel very miserable as it’s really difficult to find a partner with the same frequency, not mentioning that majority of the population is straight. Unless someone outright reveals you their sexuality, everyone is by default straight while most of us is closeted which makes identifying one even harder. Some people I have came across is also overwhelmingly confused me.
For example in my army days, I fell for a guy. We do all sorts of things together. We bathe, play and even hugged sometimes. After ORD, he told me that he kissed a guy in a bar and I hinted him that it’s okay if he likes guys. He didn’t reply and I didn’t confess as well because I was really afraid. We drifted after and stopped talking to each other. Now, he’s married to his beautiful wife with a kid today. I sincerely felt happy for him. I decided to let go.
Next was my university days. I fell for another guy in my clique because he was very touchy and flirty to me which led me on. I thought those feelings were real so I confessed. Guess what? He rejected me and said he is straight. We also stopped talking to each other after we graduated.
Fast forward today, I have been working for a few years and I again fell for another guy. This time the same happened. He has been openly flirty only this time worst- with a group or even when we were alone. Says that I am cute, gave me a nickname out of a sudden, long gaze into my eyes, says that he wanna hug me, a slightly feminine guy. But he also told us that he is looking for a girlfriend but taking it slowly. These mixed signals are mental torturing me a lot lately and I don’t know what to do.
I have anxiety issues and family issue as well. All I have now is my mom but she was seriously sick and relapse can happen anytime. The thought that my mom won’t be here forever is depressing for me and I will be left alone without any love.