Struggling with my life in both work and love. Feeling overwhelmed and could use any advice.
29M here. Struggling very badly and honestly quite ready to give up. Very afraid of ending up alone, affording housing in the future, and super stressed about my new job.
I have never been in a relationship before, and never really felt what its like to be loved. I look at couples with envy all the time and I wish i could get a hug. On the outside people say im a friendly and nice guy, but inside im just really lonely and suffer from anxiety. I was in love with a friend for 3 years (and going now). I confessed a while back and got rejected, and we actually got closer after that and started talking daily. But nothing else came of it.
However she recently announced she had a BF this year which broke me. I still think about her all the time and i notice we dont talk everyday anymore. I could feel an immediate shift in our friendship. Her texts are now infrequent and dry, so i have to initiate convos or there wont be any. Part of me sort of understands, but the other part hates her for just suddenly changing so quickly after being so close for 2 years.
I did try using dating apps like CMB to try and move on, but i got only 1 hit which went nowhere in the past 2 months, which feels like a big blow to my ego. I dont even think im that ugly, just average looking but on the shorter side.
On my job side, I was struggling to find a job for months but finally got 1 this month. I’m taking on a new role and stressing out hard on this because they have high expectations and so far im struggling to keep up. My manager micro manages me a lot and I feel like im just drowning. Im also very introverted so its stressful for me to interact with people during lunch.
The mixture of all this is overwhelming me, to the point where i suffer from panic attacks that make me hyperventilate and vomit at times. At work, my stress caused my skin to break out in spots, and my hands shake when i think too hard about the future.
The loneliness has been crushing as well, but thats nothing new. I check my phone at least once an hour to see if the girl im still in love with has posted something new, or replied to my texts. She sometimes leaves me on read, or ignores my messages, which hurts even more. In my head, all i can picture is her ignoring my texts because shes too busy f-ing her new BF. I cant help how my mind goes to these places.
And since I cant stand the way i look, i started exercising more. I am obese and have to lose about 35KG to reach a normalish weight. So far i have lost 15kg. That is pretty much the only thing i am proud of.
Tbh idek why im writing all this. I dont know why im even waking up everyday just to put myself through this. I cant remember the last time i had a hug or felt happy. I’m literally crying writing this as I’m already dreading going to work next monday.