My (39m) partner (39f) of 20 years cheated on me. I want to kick her out but it would make her homeless. She doesn’t have a job. We have an 8yo daughter.
I have no idea what to do. We are not married. We have an 8yo daughter who is my whole world. My partner hasn’t worked for 8+ years as she never went back to work after having our daughter. We are jointly on our mortgage but I pay it (and for everything, she has no income at all).
Found out last week she’s been sleeping with someone. 2nd time. First time we went through therapy and I spent 2 years healing. Now she’s done it again and I feel like I can’t do that all again.
I want her gone but I can’t make the mother of my daughter homeless. I have no idea how to figure this out. Our home only has 2 bedrooms so she is currently sleeping on the sofa. It doesn’t feel sustainable.
[edit] I’m really looking for ideas/solutions that don’t involve just kicking her out. Thanks
Netizens’ comments
- There is no solution, imo, based on the facts here. No extra bedroom and you don’t want to let her be homeless. Your daughter is in school, I’m guessing, so your ex should be looking for work so that she can take care of herself. If you keep feeling sorry for her and taking care of everything, she will never leave. A part time job while your kid in in school is a good place for her to start until daughter is old enough to not need a babysitter.
- Even if you tried, I doubt that there would be any coming back from her cheating for a second time. Plus, who knows if there haven’t been other times you don’t know about. Your child, at 8, is in school for the majority of each day and, without a job, your wife has a lot of time on her hands. Time she has used to cheat on you.
If she’s on the mortgage and the deed, I think it’s time you consider selling the house. It’s bound to be worth more than you paid for it, and the two of you can split that money, which she can live on until she stabilizes. She’s going to have to get a job, though. She needs to start looking today. Even if she has to clean toilets, she needs to get a job immediately. She also needs to start looking for an alternate living space. Renting a room would be ideal. But, remember, she needs to do this so she can learn to be independent again.
You need to sit down with your daughter and tell her what is going on. You don’t have to mention cheating, specifically, but she is absorbing the tension between the two of you. She needs to be reassured that whatever happens between the two of you will never have any impact on how much you love her.
Good luck. You kind of set yourself up for this by not demanding she get a part-time job the last time she cheated. If you had, she would be in a better position to start a new life. But, there’s no time like the present, so tell her to get on it.