I (25) Female just suffered a tragic miscarriage. In order to tell you the story properly I’ll rewind it a bit. My now ex-boyfriend (29) and I have been together for 5 months. We’re both divorcees, we both have children. He has one son age (4) and I have two children (4) female, son (6). We live together and his son lives about 15 minutes from our apartment. My kiddos on the other hand live with their dad far from me.. He has never met my children, I know that sounds weird but when we started dating my kids had just left to go back to their fathers.
They won’t be back until the holidays, I’ve been soooo excited to bring my kids into the mix. Especially since I’ve fully accepted his son since day one and I absolutely love his son. Plus they are all at great ages to adjust. I’m also not his first relationship nor girlfriend who has met his son. No one has ever met mine though. We moved in after two months of being together.. I know it sounds crazy but we’ve both been married and have kids.
I have never moved in with anyone but my ex-husband, it’s the same with him and his ex-wife as well. Neither of us had been in relationship in over two years. When we met everything clicked and fell perfectly together. I never even knew I could love someone the way I love him, I never knew I’d ever picture myself marrying someone again and I definitely never pictured myself having more than my perfect set of babies but it changed when I met him.
Don’t worry, I’ve done plentyyy of dating good and bad before hand. When I say he treated me so well and the relationship felt so healthy. It honestly felt too good to be true the entire time. I felt we were good with communication, I believe relationships should be 100/100 and love is a choice. I regularly checked in with him mentally and emotionally. I’m a pro at managing to remember these things because I’m also bipolar. I’m on meds and completely in control of myself even on the hard days.
Moving on with the story, once we moved in we had a conversation about how we wanted to maybe try to have a baby together. I have a couple of years left of fertility due to issues. We felt since we’ve done it with our exes… it would be an even better experience to do it together.
Soon after that talk we went to the doctor together to remove my IUD and we immediately started trying…. I found out two weeks ago I was pregnant. We were soo excited but the night I found out.. he was having a mental moment and spaced himself from me. We had talked about me testing that day beforehand so I went ahead and tested.
We had gotten so many negative test results up to that point.. that I expected that negative to pop up but no.. I was pregnant. He all of the sudden jumped back into the relationship 100/100 again. We started planning nursery ideas, we had a gender neutral name, we were coming up with ideas on how to tell his parents… I specifically asked him if he was with me for the baby or me. He told me he loved me and wanted me regardless baby or not.
Well Saturday I woke up at 6am to pee.. walked into the bathroom and peed like normal but when I went to flush I saw blood on the toilet paper. So I wiped again and there was a little blood but no biggie since I’d be about 6-7 weeks. I strugged it off and went back to sleep. I woke up again at 10 am and was covered in blood.. I ran into the bathroom and even more came out so we left for the hospital together.. We waited hours together..
finally they did an ultrasound.. they used the probe and went inside to try to see baby. Once they were done with it they left the room so I could get dressed again… when I stood up off the table.. blood just started going everywhere all over the floor. There was so much.. I’ll never forget how much blood came out.. didn’t know that was even possible.
So they tell us we miscarried, it was too early to give us a reason. I’m forever crushed by that news which was horribly explained to us by a male doctor. Comforting skills 1/10. We headed home after they discharged us. I’m still cramping and bleeding now. Just trying to recover as best I can so I can get back to work.
Fast forward. He texted me before he headed home today and told me he has been thinking about us and wanted to spend some alone time together tonight to talk and “iron things out”.
Instead he gets home, we got dinner and then we were relaxing… he said he wanted to talk so we sat down. He proceeded to tell me that he wrote it in his notes and has read/edited it a billion times..
he starts reading it and it’s a long message. I just bawled the entire time as he just broke up with me. His reasoning is the miscarriage made him realize.. he wants it to be only him and his son. He doesn’t want me, my kids or a relationship.. he hasn’t wanted to be with me in awhile.
What do I do? I know he’s being selfish but I don’t see him that way. I love him. I love our sweet angel baby and I still wanted everything with him.. it was completely, completely left field. I called my best friends and they came to get me. Idk what I would do without them. I just really wish I could hug my babies right now. I feel like I’ll never be able to trust someone’s feelings in me again.
My sweet angel baby R. Mommy will forever love and miss you. I’m so honored I got to carry you even for such a sure time. Rest easy, we all miss you. Mommy, Brother and Sister
Anyone have advice? About how to move on? Or how to accept that I miscarried and that’s how I lost the love of my life? Where I do get the strength from?