Guys, I really need help. My face earlier today turned more red than a steamed prawn at Haidilao.
So there I was, minding my own business in the living room, trying to enjoy my kopi and watching the news. Suddenly, the neighbor’s unit (you know the one, the “Auntie” who always wears too much perfume) starts making these… very distinct, high-pitched vocal exercises. It wasn’t a “I stubbed my toe” kind of scream. It was a “full-blown, melodrama, HDB-walls-are-too-thin” kind of situation.
My 6-year-old son, who has ears like a bat, stops playing with his Legos, looks at me with those big innocent eyes, and asks: “Papa, why is Auntie screaming? Is she okay? Is a monster biting her? Does she need help?”
I tell you, my brain literally blue-screened.
I was standing there like a sotong. How to explain? If I say she’s “exercising,” he’s going to ask why she’s not at the ActiveSG gym. If I say she’s “pain,” he’s going to want to call 995 and be a hero. My wife was in the kitchen and she just started laughing—didn’t even come out to save me! Real bo chio move.
I ended up mumbling something about her watching a very scary ghost movie, but then he asked why she sounded happy-scared, not sad-scared. This generation of kids nowadays, why so observant for what?!
Now he’s been hovering near the common corridor wall for the last twenty minutes like a CSI investigator. I’m terrified he’s going to go over there, knock on her door, and offer her a Tiger Balm or a Band-Aid the next time he sees her at the lift lobby.
Serious talk: how do you guys handle this kind of “birds and bees” preview without scarring them for life or making it weird with the neighbors? I cannot move house yet, MOP not up. Should I just buy noise-canceling headphones for the whole family or what?
Please give some suggestions before he goes to Primary 1 and tells his teacher that Auntie next door gets attacked by monsters every Tuesday afternoon.
TL;DR: Neighbor was having “vigorous activity,” son thinks she’s dying. Papa (me) is currently contemplating moving to Pulau Ubin.