My wife (42F) is out of my league in every way, but I’m (43M) the one who is unhappy.
My wife and I have been together for almost 20 years. We initially fit together b/c we were part of the same culty-church and had a similar status there, but we have long since rejected religion and we no longer have much in common.
She’s now the sole provider while I stay home with the kids. It made sense for me to stay home b/c I’ve always been the more paternal and nurturing one, while she has been career focused. She literally makes more than 20x what I was making at my last job. We need someone to stay home b/c she travels for work about 50% of the time, and when she is home, she’s a workaholic. The kids and I don’t even expect to see her on most weekdays.
I think I’m a decent father, but my wife and I no longer exist in the same world. I die inside whenever I have to interact with her peers. but society just doesn’t regard being a stay-at-home dad in the same way, so I feel like I have no value, except to our kids. I have no friends, siblings, or peers.
My wife is also really attractive, while I’m just average. She’s fun and social, while I prefer to keep to myself. She excels at everything, in and out of work, while I don’t really excel at anything.
All this should probably make me feel lucky and she should be dissatisfied, but somehow I feel empty while she seems perfectly happy.
I think the main problem is that marriage just isn’t a priority for her. She wants to be married and have a family, so I feel like I check that husband box for her, and I enable her lifestyle by caring for the kids, but her only real passion is for her work. Our marriage is painfully basic, but she’s satisfied in it b/c that’s all she wants.
I want to be in-love with her, to pursue her, to enjoy spending time with her, but I can’t if she’s just not interested. Why bother going to marriage counseling if this is who she really is? I can’t change her, and I don’t want her to pretend to be someone she’s not.
Our bedroom activities are a good example of this problem. We do it about twice per month, and only when all the stars align and I play all my cards right. I’d be happy to be intimate every day, or satisfied with just once a week, but she has always had a lower libido. If I communicate that I’d like to do it more, she’ll go along with it, but it’s no fun if she’s not into it.
I don’t think we’re really compatible as partners, but it feels insane to think that I would ever leave her b/c she’s great on paper, and I know I would have an impossible time finding someone else. She and the kids are happy, so I’m the only one feeling alone, and I’m convinced the grass would not be greener on the other side, so I maintain the status quo. What would you do in this situation?
Thanks to anyone who read all of this.