So a bit of background: My wife (30F) and I (32M) got married earlier this year. When we were discussing traditional Chinese wedding preparations and pin jin (dowry) last year, her mother straight up dropped a bombshell during dinner at a seafood restaurant: they wanted $100,000 in cash. Not $10,888, not $18,888. $100k clear cash. Her parents’ logic? They “raised an elite university graduate daughter” and according to her mother, in their family tradition, the dowry reflects the groom’s respect and financial standing.
I was completely stunned. I work as a mid-level software engineer, and while I have decent savings, $100k is literally a massive chunk of my hard-earned money meant for our BTO renovation, emergency funds, and future family planning. When I brought this up with my then-fiancée, she cried and said her mother is very traditional, and if I don’t give this amount, her parents will lose face in front of all their relatives and they won’t bless the marriage. She promised me, “Honey, just pay first to make my mother happy. Whatever my mother receives, she will give back to us as wedding angbaos or gold jewellery anyway.”
Stupidly, I swallowed the pill. I liquidated some investments, scraped my bank accounts, and gave the $100k cash inside a huge red packet. Guess what? During the tea ceremony, the mother-in-law gave us two paper-thin gold bangles worth maybe $2k total and zero angbao return. Whenever I tried to ask my wife about the money post-wedding, she brushed it off saying, “My parents keep it for our future children lah, don’t be so calculative.”
Okay fine, eaten fish can’t go back into the sea. I sucked it up. But last week during Sunday family dinner at her parents’ house in Toa Payoh, another nightmare started.
Her younger brother (28M) has been unemployed for almost two years since graduating. He literally sits at home all day playing Valorant, ordering GrabFood, and buying limited-edition sneakers online using his mother’s credit card. Out of nowhere, my MIL slammed her chopsticks on the table, looked directly at me, and said: “Ah Seng, now you are part of our family. You earn quite well right? Your brother-in-law wants to start a small dropshipping business, but he needs starting capital and monthly living expenses. Every month you give him $2,500 allowance can? You are the elder brother now, must take care of family.”
I froze. I turned to look at my wife, expecting her to defend me or say it’s unreasonable. Instead, she nodded and said, “Yeah babe, you make enough money, and my brother really needs a boost now. Family must help family what.”
I stood up and told them point blank that $2,500 monthly allowance for a full-grown 28-year-old man who refuses to get a entry-level job is ridiculous. My MIL immediately exploded, calling me an unfilial son-in-law, saying I promised to take care of their whole family when I married her daughter, and that if I cannot even support her brother, I am “fake rich” and selfish. My brother-in-law didn’t even look up from his phone, just smirked and whispered, “So stingy for what, engineer earn so much.”
On the ride home, my wife gave me the silent treatment for 30 minutes, then started screaming at me in the car, saying I embarrassed her in front of her family. She even threatened to move back to her parents’ house unless I agree to give her brother at least $1,500 a month.
I feel completely scammed. The $100k dowry was clearly absorbed into funding her brother’s lazy lifestyle, and now they treat me like a permanent POSB ATM machine. Has anyone dealt with extreme parasite in-laws like this in Singapore? If I consult a lawyer for annulment or divorce now, what are my chances of claiming back any part of the $100k dowry given under false pretences? Please advise before I go crazy.