I found out my dad had a secret life and I want nothing to do with him
I 31(F) just found out my dad had a whole other family. Complete with a house two kids one F(15) and one M (13). He also has another child with another woman F (35).
I have been holding in so much sadness, rage and heartbreak for the sake of my mother who just found out that her 40 year marriage has all been practically a lie.
My brothers (33 and 36) are devastated as well. Makes me think I’ve never actually known who he is and that makes me rethink my whole childhood, a difficult thing to unpack.
My mother is vulnerable financially and I want her out of his place before we confront him. So I know I need to get double the jobs plus side gigs to make this happen ASAP.
My heart absolutely breaks for her and I’m absolutely shattering inside myself knowing I have to cut him off. He is growing old and developing memory issues, which makes me feel incredibly guilty. It also isn’t how I imagined my life. I hoped to give my future kids two sets of grand parents not one and a half.
I also feel for my brothers because they got denied real life changing opportunities in their formative years. Ironically the timeline coincided with major financial shifts so he couldn’t afford to provide fully for them since he had to build a home or provide for his other family.
He also wants to give our childhood home to his second family which sickens me to no end. I don’t know the other family and haven’t made contact. He was a present father for us, since my mother is his first and legal wife, which makes me wonder how active a father he has been for the other kids.
I hope to confront him in a year or two, take my mum out of that situation, and maybe ask him to actually be present fully for his other kids. At least one of us needs to not have trauma.
I know I am a full adult but I can’t help feel like I was a spare child, not good enough for him to put his whole trust and weight behind us as opposed to ‘spreading risks’. It also explains why he never fought hard to make my mother happy. We weren’t the only option, just one among many and it has been soul crushing and crippling.