I’m their ‘one call away’ friend but when I’m the one who needed help, I don’t have anyone to call
I (29F) used to be a fun and easygoing person who smiles a lot. I’m a type of person who doesn’t really want to talk about my feelings and my problems because I didn’t want to be anyone’s burden. But when my friends needed me, they just have to call or text me once and I’ll be there for them. When I can’t be with them physically, I make sure that they know that I’m willing to listen to everything they wanted out. I’m not so good in giving advices but I’m a good listener and I let them feel they’re not alone. If they needed distractions from their problems, I am always available, I’ll even use my PTO (paid time off) if needed. That’s how much I care for them.
Life has it’s own ups and downs and when the downs came, I fell into an abyss. I was at the point that I have to resign from a job that I used to love because I couldn’t take it anymore. I just couldn’t function like I used to. I haven’t talked about it to anyone, except some few mumblings when I’m drunk. But I guess, they thought it was just alcohol. What they didn’t know is that I needed to be drunk to be able to express how I really feel inside. They were only used to that happy drunk me who liked to have fun.
I started to isolate myself. I read a lot of books and binge watch movies and series just to escape my reality. I quit social media. I stopped being the first to contact my friends. When they text me, I still reply but I stopped making effort to meet them.
I went deeper into the abyss, I didn’t want to live anymore. I had chosen a day to end it all but I had not decided on how to do it. When that day came, the only thing that stopped me is one phone call from my mother. I didn’t tell anyone what I planned to do that day.
I decided to take a break and move back in with my mother. Before these dark times, I supported both my mother and brother but now, it’s the other way around. They said it was fine for them, my brother already has a job and mother has some livelihood. I earn a little from a few part time online jobs that I could find but it’s probably not enough if I live on my own. I rarely go out of our house nowadays. My mother keeps encouraging me to look for a job similar to what I did before so I could go out, have fun and buy things I wanted. What she doesn’t know is that I don’t have anywhere I want to go, I don’t desire those pretty things I used to like before and I don’t want to do anything but stay in my dark corner. I couldn’t talk to her or any relative about how I feel, I know that they will just brush it off.
Now, some of my friends already have their own family, some are still single but they all have their new lives, new priorities, new friends. I guess we all started to drift apart when there’s no one who plans the hangouts. I realized that everyone likes hanging out with me because I was this ‘happy’ person, I’m fun to be with. When I stopped being that person, I just stopped meeting them. Nobody asked me how I was.
I’m still trying to get back on my feet. It’s so hard, it’s been years in this darkness, I felt tempted to stay in it forever. I miss my old self but I guess she’s not coming back. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I’m all alone.