I am going to be alone forever
I 28, F have completely given up on finding love. I used to fantasize about it. About having a wonderful husband or wife. Having probably three children.
Growing up I always played mom. I had baby dolls, I had all the “accessories”, aka the necessary things you’d need to care for a baby. I was always holding babies, like cousins for example.
Needless to say I’ve always wanted to be a mom. Relationships weren’t (still aren’t obviously) something I had a lot of. I was not dating in middle school. I had two boyfriends in school. I wasn’t hit on, never got asked to dances or dates.
Was there someone who was very special to me? Yes. But we didn’t meet in person for 4 years. A very long story short, he and I broke up. (This was when I was 21. 2016) then in 2018 he passed away. I still love him more than anything.
I had flings, I had short “relationships” if you could call it that. But they all ended poorly. Never anything I did either. Fast forward to 2022, I was flipping through the dating apps as one does. I found someone, we had a first date planned that never happened. He decided he wasn’t ready. We’ve still never met to this day.
But I carried on. The last straw was when I was lied to about this guy having a child. He said at first “I’m open to kids but they aren’t a must” and next thing I know he disappears for a night. Come to find out he was in the hospital with his 4 month old. Excuse me what? I’m not proud of it but I did ghost him.
I have since deleted all my apps. I have zero desire to date. I’ve been working hard on my mental health for a year & starting on my physical health this year. I’ve discovered I’m okay with being alone but I don’t think I grasped how lonely it can be.
Some nights, like tonight, it hits me that it’s just not going to happen for me. Im so tired of being told it will. This sounds like a typical whiny rant but to those who actually understand the feeling.. I’m sorry.
I still hope I’m proven wrong someday. But for now I’m looking at a future by myself