Psychological impact of growing up poor

From the ages 11-19 I never slept on a bed. I was sleeping on a couch because there wasn’t enough room for the family of 5 in a single room apartment. Parents currently still earning minimum wages.

Flash forward – I’m in my mid twenties making 150k a year. Even with that type of income I constantly feel poor. Imposter syndrome maybe? A feeling that this was not supposed to happen.

Anyone else feel like this?

Netizens’ comments

1. If you want to train an elephant to be controlled by a rope you tie the rope to the elephant’s foot when it’s a baby. All the time it is growing up the rope is there and so by the time the elephant is an adult the rope, which it could easily snap, still controls it.
   Now you have removed the rope but it still controls you. Who are you without the influence of your past, without the weight of your present, and without the fear of your future is the question.
   You are an independent being with intrinsic value regardless of circumstance, the opinion of others, or even the weight you place upon yourself because you cannot see yourself as you really are.
   Let go of the ghost of the rope and feel yourself free and alive. As you do this recognize that in that moment the past is gone, the future is not yet arrived, and living in the moment being aware of yourself and your surroundings is all that there really is.
   Stay in the moment until it’s time to stop. What comes next is up to you.
2. I hoard (save and invest) money and always have. Then I have these financial events that drain my savings and I have to start over. Financial events such as medical bills and home maintenance. I drain my emergency fund on those things as soon as I get enough in there to feel safe. I will never feel financially sound but I guess that’s normal.
3. Very normal for your attitude toward money to remain the same even if your income goes up. It happens to many people. You have to consciously change the way you think about it.
   We have a social expectation that once you have a high income and a house/car/etc. you will stop feeling poor. However, you will always continue to feel some anxiety if you have a lot of debt (even supposedly “good” debt like a mortgage), your fixed expenses are high, your income is just from your job and not diversified, etc. I think imposter syndrome is one way to think about it, this feeling that you can lose everything at any time.
   Everyone’s approach is different. But what has helped me personally is to “live below my means” in terms of big expenses and then write down a plan to spend money on small things that make me feel rich day-to-day. For me that is things like taking the train instead of the bus, or wearing nice shoes (not buying extra, just better) But not taking out a big mortgage, because even though I can afford it, I wouldn’t be able to if I lost my income.

My (30F) husband (30M) of 7 years is really angry that I refuse to quit my job to become a stay at home wife/girlfriend. Not sure what to do

I love my husband and he’s an amazing man, but we have flaws like everyone else.

We were both 18 when we met. He made it clear he liked me, but I was truly petrified of men at that point in my life due to past experiences and rejected him a bit harshly. I reached out to apologize and we became friends, then a year or two later I saw he posted he on snapchat, I asked if he would want to go on a date so I could practice being comfortable around guys and he agreed.

He never made a move, never touched me, never made weird eye contact. If I said no he didn’t ask a second time, not even as a suggestion. We went on these platonic dates for months with nothing happening, and one day I asked for a hug and then asked for a kiss and he asked me to be his girlfriend. We got married a year after and our 7 year anniversary is around the corner.

We agreed we would not even think about having kids until we were older since both of us were the product of young parents. We’ve really just only focused on getting by on using as little money as possible and saving up every dime to buy a house.

Thankfully, we got our house a few months ago and we were both able to quit our 2nd jobs and for the first time only work regular 9-5s. Yay!!

We have been discussing adding to our family by having a baby and I feel very ready to be a mom. Scared still, yes, but ready. But my husband brought up how sad I would be if I had t quit since I’ve worked so hard.

I told him I had zero plans to quit, I would only take maternity leave. Plus my company allows maternal and paternal remote options for 1 year after birth, so I can just work from home if needed. I know its a lot to do with a newborn but giving up the security of my paycheck is simply not an option.

He told me this was what we worked for, to make our own perfect family opposite from what ours were like and I was blindsiding him by changing my plans and I told him no plan has changed, I can have a career and be a mom. Plenty of women do it. He doesn’t have to quit his job to be a dad so why should I?

He said it wouldn’t work for a babies needs and I told him ok, since I make more money than you do why don’t you quit and I go back to work remotely after healing from birth. That way we have both hands on deck and we don’t have a severe loss of income as I make $89k/yr and he makes $52k/yr.

He mentioned that if I trusted him fully this shouldn’t be a problem. I told him I trust him but I don’t trust our current economy, but I left out that I really do genuinely think quitting my job with no savings (wiped out by getting the house) and relying on a man is absolutely stupid.

He had plans made previously with his parents and had to leave so we said we would pick the conversation back up when he gets home but he’s very very upset. Madder than I have ever seen him and I don’t understand why he just assumed I would quit? Not only do I not understand it, but it makes me trust him a lot less than I did yesterday. I have a bad habit of running for the hills when problems come up and not gonna lie, this is making me really nervous.

Thank you for reading all of this if you have! I’m open ears to what could be going through his mind or why he is thinking like this, really just doesn’t seem logical to me. He’s been watching all of these videos of stay home wives/girlfriends an di feel like this is influencing him a lot.

How to ask my supervisor to pay me?

I realise this is a weird question and I’m very sorry if this is the wrong sub for this, please mods take it down if it doesn’t suit the sub.

I’m a foreigner doing a year long internship in Singapore with a small agency for my final year in university until June (this year).

My internship supervisor has been really kind and supportive with my uni assignments. I work full time, and we also have a contract which states my monthly salary.

However, in December last year my supervisor told the team that the agency is having financial difficulties, and she would speak about it to us individually.

She asked if I would be willing to “pause” my salary for a little while until the agency was performing better. I agreed since they were being so supportive with my assignments, and I really needed to finish my internship.

I haven’t been paid at all this year and have been getting stessed, so I decided to ask my coworker about it. They let me know they’ve been paid steadily all this year ! and I should talk to my supervisor about it.

I’ve never been in this position before and don’t know how to have this conversation with my supervisor? She’s usually very understanding and super professional and I would not like to start any conflict, just resolve this calmly. How should I approach this issue?

Netizens’ comments

1. Have you informed your school about this? The school should resolve this with the company and get you paid!
   
2. I’m really hesitant to get my school involved, they’re not very competent tbh which is why I just want to finish this year and graduate ASAP :/ There have been other students who had difficulties with their internships but weren’t really helped by my school, instead they told the students to find another internship and restart the year (which means paying more tuition) so they’re the last resort. I actually have enough savings to last until the end of the internship (just 2 more months) but still I’d like to be paid
   
3. don’t worry about getting fired or retaliated against if you talk to your supervisor about your pay. Not only is it part of your contract, and a basic part of your job expectations, but they’re legally not allowed to do so over your pay(and can get into alot of legal trouble over it).

should the worst case scenario happen, you can go to tadm and file a salary claim for like 10-20$, so you’ll receive your money in the end.

How it works is that you have the right to refuse work and quit immediately with no notice after 7 days of your salary not being paid after your regular pay period iirc.

This means every employee has the right to be paid.

Thus, if you go to them and ask for your salary, they can’t fire you. This will be grounds for a wrongful dismissal, as they dismiss you for exercising your employment right(to get pay, to file a claim with tadm), and they dismiss you to deprive you of your pay. You might even be able to claim discrimination as your coworkers are getting their pay.

You can thereby get compensation and/or reinstatement if they do decide to fire you.

Thus, they can’t fire you, and they can’t not give you your salary. They know the rules, and it’s too troublesome to do all this over one employee too.

Thereby, just go to them and ask for your pay. Tell them you need it or something. Make sure to note that you want to receive your whole salary since december.

Nothing bad will come out of this, because you are legally protected. Also they probably don’t want to lose you too. Your supervisor shouldn’t have bad blood over this too, because they know you havent been paid for 4 months.

So don’t be anxious about causing them to turn against you anyways, because something like this isn’t a big conflict of interest to them(an intern pay compared to full-timer pay is a world of difference, they can definitely afford to pay an intern), and like you said, they’ve been understanding to your situation too.

tldr you won’t be fired, you won’t not get your salary in the end, you won’t cause conflict or bad blood either.

p.s. If you’re still worried, just know that in the grand scheme of your agency, it isn’t as big of an issue to them as it is to you. I would understand a fight may ensue if they couldn’t afford to pay you(like if you were working at a hawker stall), but to something as big as an agency, it’s more like peanuts. Noone fights over peanuts.

That they know they’ll have to pay you eventually is even better for you. It means they don’t want to spoil their relationship with you over this, because they can’t even save a single cent even if they did.

Because they’ll have to pay you eventually, why not just give you back your salary and carry on as per normal, instead of fighting you until the end of your intern and giving it to you then.

Depending on your supervisor’s role, it might not come out of their pockets, but from the owner. This further separates a conflict of interest, because it’s not their money they have to pay you with.

My girlfriend is an incredibly picky eater. Like I said in my title, she eats like she is 10 years old.

In fact I’ll give a short list of things she refuses to eat; Unflavored water, fish (excluding fried shrimp), anything with bones, cheese other than sharp cheddar, spinach, onions, garlic, pasta without red sauce, eggs, spicy food, aioli, ketchup, potatoes (other than french fries), pastries with fruit, citrus, sausage etc.

This compares to me, someone who grew up in multiple different regions of the US and lived in abroad for a few years, so I’m a bit more adventurous when it comes to food.

Whenever me and my girlfriend go out somewhere nice she ends up getting the same meals usually either a burger or chicken tenders and fries.

We could be going to an authentic Nepalese restaurant and she will get the french fries and white rice. To me it’s kind of embarrassing to go to a restaurant where there is a dress code and for her to order chicken tenders and fries.

It especially bothers me that since I typically pay, I end up paying 15 bucks for chicken tenders that I could get from the freezer section at the supermarket for 5 bucks.

Recently in our area a very nice dinner place opened up and my girlfriend has been dying to go. I took a look at the place and the menu and saw that it looked nice but the food was kind of pricy.

She said she was probably gonna get chicken tenders as per usual. I asked her what’s the point of going then if I can toss some tenders in the air fryer for her and not spend a ridiculous amount of money on it.

She asked why I had an attitude about this and I told her that I thought it was a waste of time and money to go to a nice place to get little kid food.

She interpreted this as me calling her a little kid. I clarified that I wasn’t calling her a child, however it is kinda childish for her to eat the way she does. I also said that if she’s gonna order food we can make at home theres not aby point in us going anywhere.

This lead to an argument about me thinking I’m better than her.

Husband (M33) wants physical attention but I (F31) think this is unreasonable at this moment

Tldr: I had a miscarriage 9 days ago and an emergency operation (unrelated) 2 days ago and my husband wants me to blow him but I told him I wasn’t even thinking about it now he’s ignoring me.

My husband (M33) and I (F31) have been together for 10 years and married for 6. Our relationship has been good – we are friends, we get on, we hang out, we’ve worked together, we’ve travelled together, we talked family, goals, politics, children, finances, etc. We are compatible in bed, apart from a couple of awkward months when we first started living together and he wanted to f- ALL the time and I couldn’t keep up. We talked through it and figured things out hence being together. All this to say, we have a good relationship generally.

We agreed that we would try to have children in our thirties and stopped all birth control on my 30th birthday. I fell pregnant in January this year and we were both thrilled. Went for the first scan, all was great, we told our parents we were expecting just 3 weeks ago but unfortunately 9 days ago, I had a miscarriage. Doctors said there was nothing we could have done differently and that sometimes this just happens.

3 days ago, I went for a follow up scan to make sure my womb is clear of any tissues and mentioned a fever and pain which started the day before the appointment. It turns out I had an infection and needed to have minor surgery as a matter of urgency to resolve it. So two days ago I had the operation, general anaesthetic, an hour, over night stay for observation, and thankfully that went well.

I’m literally counting down hours to my next dose of pain killers and am very much an emotional mess still because of the miscarriage. I can hardly sit up because of the wound from the surgery and am only moving when necessary. For a bit of a distraction I picked up my journal for the first time in a couple of weeks today and my husband came in the room and asked if I am writing about the best bj that I will give him tonight.

I asked him what makes him think that I have any thoughts of f-ing or bjs at the moment. He asked why I wouldn’t. I said because I had a miscarriage last week and emergency surgery a couple of days ago so I’m just trying to keep myself together and not constantly be in tears because of the emotional or physical pain I’m in.

He picked up his phone and went off to another room and hasn’t spoken to me since. How can I resolve this?

he has been a great partner until this. I can’t think of any other selfish or inconsiderate behaviour. In the past when I’ve been ill, he’s taken care of me and been loving and caring.

I know I’m very emotional at the moment. That’s why I wanted to check that I’m not overreacting by being upset and angry

I agree that he is in the wrong, by asking how to resolve this, I guess I was hoping to get some suggestions on how to address this because he’s not talking to me and I don’t want to ignore this and frankly I need his help at least for the next couple of days. I don’t have anyone nearby to go stay with and didn’t think it would be necessary

Need help! Executor ran away with will’s money

I’ve tried contacting the executor but was ghosted. Made a police report but they say it’s a civil case. I have no money to sue. Any kind soul with law knowledge able to help me? Or any pro bono lawyer willing to help me?

Edit* I’m just really confused as to why scammers can be apprehended but not executor cheating estate.

Edit 2* I hope this can be shared to other forums and media platforms for more help thanks!

Netizen’s comments

1. You can sue and apply for legal fees to be paid for by the defendant (ur uncle) when he loses. That way overall your loss is net zero.
   
   And either way, wouldnt you just deduct legal fees from the rest of yall’s share of the estate? Why would that be a loss to u? I’m assuming ofc, the estate itself is significant or else you wouldn’t be here asking for advice in the first place.
   
2. Police are not lawyers, and when you report something like. Executor of will ghosting you. Then there are so many questions need to be answered, like why? does he have a reason? moreover, the police are not in the position to read your will. Look here.
   
   Technically, it is a crime if the executor of a will withdraw money, sold asset and pocket it instate of distributing the money to according to the will, then this person have committed criminal breach of trust which is a serious crime, and cases like this can be very complicated as say if it involve a property, and the executor sold it, took the money, run away.. it’s not just the money he took. There are other opportunity cost involve. Maybe he sold it at low price? Hence, on one hand, the executor committed a crime and should be reported and arrested. Then he should get sued for the loses after or during his stay in prison?
   
   Maybe OP should scrutinize the will carefully, or maybe go to Toa payoh HDB Hub where there is a section with a stretch of law firm there (It’s like a Sim Lim square for law firms), and go door to door, and ask if any of the lawyer there can help look at the will and provide some advise, and ask for the cost, and don’t be shy to tell them you cannot afford if it’s too expensive (Don’t hit around the bushes and be genuine), and there may be some trainee or some lawyers willing to step in to take a quick look at your will for no or a very small fee, and from there, hopefully you will get some valuable advise.
   
   Just my personal opinion, or what I may do if I am in OP shoe. If OP is sure the executor have absconded with the money, then go to the police station and report this guy stole the money. Don’t say he is executor. Just report he is task to withdraw the money then run away and he committed criminal breach of trust, and hopefully this will give them a good reason to step in, but if you tell them he is an executor, then they will likely advise you to go to a lawyer.
   
3. One possibility for now would be to file a Magistrate’s Complaint at the State Courts. This means that the court will consider whether your complaint, if proven, might disclose a criminal offence; if so, the court can take steps such as ordering the police to investigate further. Making a Magistrate’s Complaint costs $20. You can file the paperwork online, and then you will have to go to the court in person to swear or affirm the complaint.
   
   There is no guarantee that the court will order the police to investigate further, nor that the police will ultimately discover sufficient evidence to show that a criminal offence has been committed, nor that the executor will be prosecuted. Nonetheless, the procedure may be worth a try.
   
   If you choose to do so, you will need to gather evidence. This might include:
   
   -the will itself, and particularly the parts that state what the executor must do with the money;
   
   -evidence that the executor has not done those things, but instead has kept the money, despite a certain amount of time having passed;
   
   -evidence, if any, of what the executor has done with the money;
   
   -previous communications with the executor relating to the money, or attempts at communication — this can take the form of, for example, WhatsApp screenshots (by the way, make it a habit to gather such evidence; take screenshots in case the person you’re communicating with deletes the messages afterwards);
   
   -similar communications, or attempted communications, by other beneficiaries under the will.
   
   In your complaint, you should set out the facts in a logical sequence with appropriate supporting detail. For example, don’t just say that you were “ghosted”; provide details of the attempts at communication you and/or other beneficiaries have made, and the responses (if any) you have received.
   
   If you don’t have enough space in the online form to provide details, you can say something like ‘Please refer to the attached document.’ and provide details in a separate document.
   
   Without knowledge of further facts, I would point out that one element of that offence is dishonesty. Without delving into the legal meaning of “dishonesty”, I would point out that dishonesty means more than merely being mistaken negligent, etc. Therefore, you should consider possible arguments that the executor was merely mistaken, negligent, changed phone number, etc., and prepare to respond if necessary. (Indeed, it appears that it is not a crime for an executor merely to be slow, careless, etc.)
   
   Some have suggested applying for legal advice or going for free legal clinics. If you need further guidance, I would suggest going to a legal clinic. This doesn’t mean that they will assign a lawyer to you to fight a case. However, one-off advice from a lawyer can still be helpful. In particular, if you decide to file a Magistrate’s Complaint, then a legal clinic might be able to give you advice on how to put your complaint together and discuss what kind of evidence you should provide.
   
   Edit: One more thing — The maximum punishment for criminal breach of trust is 7 years’ jail/fine/both. The website I linked to above states: “A Magistrate’s Complaint can be filed for offences that are punishable by up to 3 years’ imprisonment or a fine, or both.” I am, with respect, not sure that that website is correct. If you click on the “pre-filing assessment”, it tells you: “If the offence carries a maximum punishment which exceeds three years imprisonment, you will not be allowed to privately prosecute the case unless you obtain the Public Prosecutor’s consent.”, but still lets you fail the Magistrate’s Complaint.