A woman shared how she found out her husband has been flirting with other women and that they hardly spend any time together.

Here is the story

Husband was never present; I found out he has been flirting with other women. Marriage counselling changed him for the better but I find it hard to trust again.

I was his first gf. We were together for 3 years before he proposed. Communication wise I felt we were doing okay. I asked to switch departments after we got married because I notice I would get jealous easily when I see him talking to other female colleagues. He has a very honest looking face so ladies also tend to be drawn to him or treat him like a buddy. I was drawn to his kind heart too, that’s how we started. So I try to be understanding. I did have the talk with him about boundaries with women and I thought we have an understanding.

Then came the children and we decided that I be a SAHM. I find him leaving me alone often to do all the parenting. Yes he does help with chores and play with the kids when he is free but I felt that I had married a man child. He gets to have all his me time while I have none of that. When our firstborn was 3 months old he decided to go on his yearly overseas hobby trip. He had spent the year training for it so he did not spend much time with me when I was pregnant too. When I try to plan a holiday trip with my gfs for the first time in 5 years, (I had no break for 5 years) he kicked up a fuss that I couldn’t go because my girls trip coincided with him yearly overseas hobby trip and he also need to spend a huge amount of time prior for training. We had no family overseas trip for years because he spent all his annual leave on his hobby overseas trip. He also preferred that I be a sahm so he don’t need to juggle his schedule with me because I will have no need for any schedule. I did managed to find a few networks for support and did volunteering but with no support from him because he sees no point that I am not earning anything from all these efforts. I didn’t care. I just wanted to do something other than mothering and chores.

He spends all his spare time on his hobby. Weekdays he will spend 2 hours on his hobby after work. So I only have less than 2 hours to even talk to him before he gets tired and wants to sleep. Weekends he will spend the whole morning out, come back at noon and exhausted, and sleep until dinner time. I only have a few hours with him during the night. The kids are young so they tend to make too much noise. So he has a disturbed nap which causes him to sleep earlier at night.

When we talk about it he will remind me that I said I won’t question or intrude into his hobby time before we marry. I didn’t know I will feel so lonely and exhausted and frustrated for being so alone in this marriage. He will keep going back to his old ways after a few weeks.

He’s always with the same group of guys, so I stopped asking who was with him on those trips.

This was before covid. I had an overseas trip with my gals while he had his overseas hobby trip in the same year. I thought things between us are fine until I discovered a series of texts between him and another woman. It was highly intimate and inappropriate. I felt like I was reading a conversation between a gf and a bf. He admitted this woman was on his last overseas trip. I can tell their closeness formed after the trip and they had been texting each other daily for months. I’m shocked that he thinks that it’s okay to have a female ‘best friend’ after marriage. From the texts I can tell the woman was madly in love with him.

I dug further into his phone and online activity to find out he had actually been flirting with other women (I know some of them). He had been flirty with women behind my back since the birth of our firstborn. So instead of being a present partner in this marriage, he chose to spend the time flirting with women outside and focusing on himself. I’ve never felt so betrayed my whole life. I felt so shortchanged. Instead of telling me that I’m beautiful, he was telling other women that they’re beautiful. Instead of sending me hearts and kisses, he was texting other women hearts and kisses. Instead of talking to me, he was having private conversations with other women as though he’s single. The words exchanged are those that he would not dare to say if I were present. That’s my biggest problem with him.

I wish I never quit my job else I would have left him long ago. I wish I didn’t change departments and witness first hand how he interacts with other women. I wish I checked his social media and phone once in a while then maybe I could have had the chance to tell him I do not appreciate his flirtatious behavior behind my back. I wish I cheated on him first since I’m the better looking one in this relationship and didn’t have any lack of suitors even when I was his gf. I wish I didn’t get married.

The marriage I have was not the marriage that I thought would be. I wanted to leave him and I think I almost did. But we went for counselling and things improved dramatically. He radically changed his behavior after that and started to bring me out on dates, buy me flowers, does sweet things for me, surprise me with actions or things. He did the heavy weight parenting tasks that you can think of. Like disciplining the children and following up with the discipline rules. When the children are having a meltdown he took over. Or when he sees me struggling, he will just take over. I know it was also due to his fear of losing me. But who can forget such a betrayal? It was years of deceitful behavior no?

Did he do enough to make me feel safe now? Yes.

Can I ever forget what happened? No.

Very easy for outsiders to say just leave him etc etc.

Some days when it’s good, I feel good about everything. Some days when he makes me feel less love, I start to doubt everything if it’s real or is he hiding and up to something again.