My significant other and I have been together for four years. We have two children together. I felt like it was mostly good. We had one major issue where she lied to me and broke my trust. Sheโs a child of emotional and psychologically manipulating, and most likely the child of a narcissistic parent. She went to therapy, and I thought she was really trying to better herself. However, now Iโm not so sure thatโs the case.
When we first got together, it seemed like she was trying too hard to be something she wasnโt, something more like me. There was lots of mirroring and changing various things to be more like myself. Iโve been vegan for a while now. Itโs a personal choice. Iโm not trying to convert anyone. She became vegan very quickly. I told her she didnโt have to change her diet to match mine, but she said she wanted to.
Iโve always tried to be financially fair in my relationships. Iโve always made more than my significant others, and I donโt want them to be broke by splitting bills 50/50. So I set up a shared account, and we deposit a matching percentage (50%-60%) of our checks that will cover the bills. That way they still have a big chunk of their check left, and theyโre not broke.
When our first child was born, she used them to pay her income tax. She used the extra cash for some trips we had planned, which then got cancelled (covid) and refunded. She claimed them the year after again. I brought it up not too long ago that she shouldโve just put the money in the shared account. She said she just put in her savings, so nothing would happen to it. I didnโt think anything of it until recently.
Weโve both been on parental leave for a couple of months to welcome our new child into the world. Unfortunately, neither of us got our paid leave until after we went back to work. I had to pay for most of the bills out of my personal account. So I told her to put all the money (should be at least 10k) she received from claiming our kid into the shared account. Then we can put it all into shared savings when we get our salaries in when we go back to work.
She didnโt have it. She said she spent it on โgroceries, bills, and xmas presents,โ when we didnโt get our paid leave. That couldnโt be possible. So I asked to see her statements. I was not prepared for what I saw. She spent all of it. What did she spend it on? She ordered from every food delivery service in existence while she was at work. Most of the orders were from restaurants that were within 5 minutes walking distance. This is money that was supposed to go to our familyโs future. I was livid.
Then it occurred to me that I never saw any of these orders on our shared food service account. Why? She made separate accounts so that I wouldnโt see them. She didnโt want me to know that she was ordering meat on occasion.
After she broke my trust the first time, it took a lot to forgive her. Now, I just feel like a fool. Iโm just so angry and heartbroken. Sheโs been deceptive/manipulative for our entire relationship. Iโm nauseous all the time. Iโm lucky if I eat more than 1,000 calories in a day. I canโt sleep. I feel so lost.
She’s a loving mother, and I feel like she really tries to be a good partner in a lot of ways. However, I don’t think I can get passed this, and I don’t know if I want to or even should.
