I will be 30 this year, and I’m still scared of my mother. I’ve not admitted this to anyone, and no one knows this. It has been my secret since young.
Since I can remember, my mother has been this intimidating figure in my life. As a child, I thought this was normal. When I was in primary school she would cane me frequently, sometimes I deserve it (like most kids I make mistakes sometimes), but sometimes it is really not my fault. I remember vividly the times she hit me when I accidentally knocked over a vase, or when I was hungry and ate some food from the kitchen she didn’t approve of. She would quarrel with my father (divorced) and vent her anger out on me. I also got beatings simply because she said I reminded her of my dad and that it’s my fault she got divorced. Often I would go to school with cane marks on my arms and legs and be ridiculed by my classmates. I would always be scared to go home, not knowing what mood my mother would be in.
In secondary school, the Cannings continued. She would also not give me pocket money regularly and I would have to ask for it. Sometimes she was in a good mood and she’ll give it to me, but a lot of times she would scold me for being a financial burden or hit me and chase me out of the house. I would go to school and watch my friends eat because I didn’t have money to buy food for myself. I made excuses like I’m not hungry. I had to return home immediately after school because if I was late to come home she would hit me or lock the doors and I would have to wait in the HDB corridor for her to return so I can go in. I couldn’t join my friends to go out after school and anyways I didn’t have the money to go. I made up loads of excuses and slowly no one asked me if I was going anymore. Weekends she would forbid me to go out and lock me at home while she went to play mahjong. If she lost, I would be in for another beating. If she won, which was rare she would be in such a good mood she would cook me dinner or even dabao something back for me to eat. In my teens she also escalated to throwing heavy objects at me, hitting me over the head with hard objects and even sometimes throwing boiling water at me. I got better at evading and covering up bruises and marks on my body.
In my teens in addition to the frequent beatings, her mood swings were also scary, and she had a lot of paranoid thoughts. She would often accuse me of ridiculous things like I’m plotting with the neighbours to ruin her life. She would also accuse others of having intentions of harming her. She can get from normal to really angry in seconds, and it’s hard to predict her mood as the simplest things can set her off.
I finally graduated (my father gave me some money for school) and she got older. I got a job and would stay out later to avoid going home. Till now her mood is still unstable, and she still chucks things at me and hits me with bamboo Poles and stuff. But her strength and agility is lessened now due to age so I’m able to evade. I also have income now so I can buy my own food and spend on some things that I need. She has also retired and asks me for an allowance every month which I give.
People might ask me why I don’t move out. It’s expensive to rent, and I don’t earn much. Despite her shortcomings, I do still love my mother and worry she’s not going to be able to cope alone. I do alot of things around the house. She did still bring me up. I also can’t stay with my dad as he has a new family and other children now, and he doesn’t want me to interfere with his family. He says he’s done his part by paying for my education and to not mess up his new family.
Sometimes I feel tired living with someone who’s so unpredictable. The fear is still there even though things are better now as she’s not physically hitting me as much. Now I don’t know what’s in it for me in the future. I’m living one day at a time. It’s bad but sometimes I think I’ll only be free after she passes. I feel guilty thinking this way. For now I just wait I guess.
Thanks for reading my rant. Needed to get some of this off my chest.
–
