I (21) just realised that my favourite thing to do in bed is directly related to my trauma
I’ve just realised that my favourite choking is directly related to my trauma that I tried to suppress for years. Somehow it all came back to me today and I’m not sure what to think about it.
So I thought I always like to be choked (not till a pass out) but my blood being cut off just up until I feel dizzy and then the partner let go, letting all the blood rush back in.
It always gave me such adrenaline and an almost sense of calmness that I can now breathe and see again. It always turned me on.
This morning I was talking to my best friend about our poor choice of men and she then added “at least no one tried to kill me”.
This just kinda brought all the memories from my first relationship back and I realised that I never actually liked being choked until the day when my ex-partner almost killed me.
I was in pretty traumatic relationship but it was always relative mild compared to that night. We were fighting and I was trying to calm him down and then at some point he ended up pinning me against a wall and choking me.
The next thing I remember is me on the floor in a lot of pain with tears streaming down my face. I guess I suppressed this memory in the past couple of years.
After breaking up with that partner it is then I developed the interest I guess. I’ve realised that I can only get off if my partner chokes me and until today I just thought it was what I was really into.
But now I’m realising it’s just my brain’s way of dealing with the trauma and regaining control with those men that I trust and that when they let go and the blood rushes back in I realise that I’m safe and it’s consensual.
I wish I didn’t regain the memory of that night so I didn’t have to know that it is directly related to the most traumatic night of my life and now I’m not sure if it is just my coping mechanism. Are the rest of my interests also a coping mechanism?