A friend of a friend made it clear to his circle that he wanted to da jiao (disturb/pursue) my girlfriend (30F), but I (34M) was completely kept in the dark. He then actively tried to vibe with us at a wedding, and now wants to set up double dates. I’m pissed that my GF didn’t warn me. Is my reaction justified, or am I being insecure?
The Backstory
A month ago, my GF attended a bridal shower/bachelorette night at a hotel suite in Sentosa. One of the bridesmaids was dropped off by her husband and his close childhood kaki (friend). In the literal five minutes this guy saw my GF, he claimed it was “love at first sight.”
He openly told his friend group and the bride that he wanted to chase her, even though the bride straight up told him, “Eh, cannot, she has a stable boyfriend already.” The bride later told my GF about this over WhatsApp, treating it like juicy gossip but asking her to keep it quiet so things wouldn’t get paiseh.
Fast Forward: The Wedding Rehearsal & Banquet
Last Friday was the wedding rehearsal dinner at a restaurant. My GF and I were sitting at a small table. This guy intentionally chose to sit directly across from us, even though the rest of his own friends were seated at an entirely different table across the room. We ended up making small talk, chatting about BTOs and work, and had a decent time. Before leaving, he enthusiastically said we should all hang out at the actual banquet the next day.
On Saturday, during the actual wedding banquet at a hotel ballroom, he was assigned to a different table, so we barely interacted. But during the cocktail reception and later when guests were leaving, the bridesmaid, her husband, and this guy walked up to us. They were super high-energy, saying, “Eh, we should totally jio each other out for drinks or café hopping next time!”
I found it a bit weird since we barely talked that night, but to be polite and not spoil the mood, I just smiled and agreed.
The Confrontation
That night, after we got back, I told my GF that the guy’s vibe felt a bit off and over-friendly. After some pressing, she finally let the secret slip and told me about his “crush.”
We’ve been arguing about this since. I feel like I absolutely deserved to know the truth before Friday, especially when the guy started sitting across from me and trying to act like my buddy. My GF insists she kept quiet because she trusts our relationship 100% and knew there was nothing to worry about. She also said she didn’t want me to get heated, confront the guy, and make the wedding incredibly awkward for the bride and groom. She claims that if he had done something blatant—like asking for her Telegram handle or slide into her IG DMs—she would have shut him down and told me immediately.
Why I’m Upbeat About It
Personally, I hate being left in the dark. I feel like a absolute gong kia (idiot) smiling and talking to a guy, unknowingly wingmanning him into my own relationship and inviting him into our social circle.
To me, communication is key. If a random guy hits on her at a bar in Clarke Quay, I don’t care. But if it’s someone within our extended social circle who is actively trying to get close to us, that’s completely different. I also feel that after he tried to act close on Friday, my GF should have dropped a firm message to the bride or bridesmaid to tell the guy to back off.
Am I being reasonable here? Or am I just being controlling, insecure, and lacking trust?
My Take on Your Situation
Bro, you are not being unreasonable, and this isn’t standard insecurity. Here is the breakdown of why your feelings are completely valid:
- The “Gong Kia” Factor: Your GF thought she was protecting the peace, but by trying to avoid paiseh vibes at the wedding, she inadvertently made you look oblivious. Sitting across from a guy, sharing a laugh, and nodding along to future hangouts while he holds a hidden agenda is a terrible position to be put in.
- Social Circle vs. Strangers: Your boundary is entirely logical. A random guy at a bar is a blip on the radar. A guy embedded in a friend group who is actively trying to engineer double dates and hangouts is a calculated boundary-test.
- The Bride’s Role: The bride and the bridesmaid are slightly enabling this guy by allowing him to tag along and pitch group hangouts knowing damn well what his intentions are. Your GF should have put a hard stop to the group-hangout idea the moment it was pitched.
Moving forward: Validate your GF’s intent—she truly thought she was doing the right thing by keeping the wedding drama-free. But make it clear that team cohesion matters more than social politeness. A simple, “Hey, I trust you completely, but I need you to have my back socially so I don’t get played for a fool” is a fair standard to set.