How do u cope with feelings of inadequacy at work?

I have been working at a company for close to 6 months after graduation. I had a rocky start when I first started. I was not that sharp enough to pick up details quickly and did things haphazardly that resulted in my co-boss making harshly comments at me in the office. Apparently her voice is so loud that everyone at the same office can hear. There was a colleague who sat at the far end of the office came to look for me to ask what happened, showing that her voice is that loud. I felt embarrassed and hurt but sucked it in.

Fast forward to a few more months later, I thought I am doing slightly better with more workload and assignment. I am also assigned to a project team. I was not that smart, but whatever administrative or tedious things to do like meeting minutes or collating information I would always produce these results fast. I was also assigned by the main boss to cover work for a colleague who left the company.

One fine day, I returned back to my office desk and I overheard my colleagues gossiping about me. My co-boss actually commented that “all I did was printing and scanning” that makes me feel hurtful. The other colleagues didn’t bother to help out. Apparently I wasn’t just doing that work and in fact, I was assigned other tasks by my main boss also. I felt inferior. I was actually disgusted because my co-boss is actually my lunch buddy as well who we can talk about lifestyle etc. for her to say something like that, I felt very shocked and uncomfortable.

what would you do if you were me?

Here are what netizens think:

• welcome to the working world. Your incident was what used to happen in my ex company, my Snr mgr has been a famous one doing all the screaming, got to a point that another BU VP told her off, yet, my ex boss responded. I am who I am..lol..if u cannot bring yourself to keep focus on other stuff and is mentally torturing you, start seeking something else

• Learning to document your efforts and raise them during meetings to “table” them and ask for help is an important skill to learn. Visibility is very important.

• I know it’s hard to hear these nasty comments. Perhaps, have a chat with your main boss and co-boss on what he/she feels about your work directly and position it as wanting to learn from them. It strokes the ego and also helps you collect more information. Just remember to protect yourself and practice critical thinking as you do this and use what helps you and discard what doesn’t. Asking for help in a thought out way is a powerful way to grow and build relationships. You can read more about this online – plenty of resources on how this works. You can also hint about the heavy workload you carry in tedious tasks and broach if they are important or not and what you can focus on to make it helpful to these key people.

• This is misinterpreted in a negative light and people tend to assume “playing politics” is bad. I think reframing everything is a critical life skill. Playing politics is not a negative thing if you use it to defensively take care of yourself and help those you work with. I’d recommend watching Korean drama Under the Queens Umbrella to understand how playing politics and understanding the game being played can be used for positive outcomes.

• Eh, u r the unlucky one that your colleague finds pleasure in bullying. This always happens to new and slow staff. Stay long enough and u will.be doing that to new staff too when you are older.

(24F) (28M)

My crush finally admits his feelings. I slept with him, next day he tells me he misses her and that we should go back to being friends.

Days later, I’m out drinking and I send a text of my cleavage. He said it was all good, and I’m still young and should live me life.

Here is the story

I’m actually pathetic. I have never in my life done this before. I’m usually kept to myself, when I like a guy I like him from afar. I never even attempt talk to them.

He finally admits his feelings for me, after months. We go out, and I go to his place after. One thing led to another.

He was my first. I know, weird that I waited this long for someone.

I felt a connection with him, and he said the same. We talked for like 2 hours, about everything. He told me how beautiful and hot I was.

Next day, he tells me he wants to go back to being friends. He said he loved every second of it, but there was another person on his mind. Someone from his past he misses.

I felt humiliated.

A few days later, im out drinking with my girls. And I did a very dumb thing.

I texted him a photo of my cleavage and told him I wanted to do it again.

He texted me the next morning and said it was all good, then proceeds to tell me that I’m still young and I should be living my life, and what not. He then also tells me about a dream he had about the girl he misses.

It was all good on his end, he didn’t find it awkward or embarrassing but idk if he’s lying to keep me from feeling embarrassed.

My boyfriend and I had been dating for a few months and he invited me over for a special night at his place.

We had a delicious dinner, followed by a glass of wine and then we decided to move to the bedroom.

Things got heated, we forgot to lock the door and our mum saw us acting like ‘dogs’

We started getting intimate and things were heating up quickly. We were both lost in the moment and forgot to close the door.

We were so passionate that we ended up in the position where we were doing it like ‘dogs’.

Little did we know, my boyfriend’s mum was just outside the door and witnessed the entire scene.

I was too embarrassed to even move. I was so scared that she would be angry with us.

My boyfriend was the first to react. He quickly stood up and tried to cover himself with the sheet.

His mum started yelling at us for being so careless and irresponsible.

She told us that we should have been more aware of the situation and should have locked the door.

Both of us sibei paiseh

We both apologized and tried to explain that it was an accident. We were both embarrassed and humiliated by the situation. We had no idea what to say or do.

We both realized that it was a huge mistake on our part and we should have been more responsible. We learned our lesson and will never forget to lock the door again.

The embarrassment that we felt was unbearable. We were so embarrassed that we weren’t able to look at each other for a few days.

We were both ashamed of what had happened and were worried about what his mum thought of us.

We eventually moved on from the incident and after a few days, things were back to normal.

We were able to laugh about it and even joke about the situation.

I am starting to find dating boring, tiring and expensive.

I also find that it is unfair that guys have to do almost everything. I will be putting the juicy part about me complaining about girls’ lack of efforts in dates in the 3rd last para.

Burn me if you want to in the comments section. If you think girls put in a lot more effort than guys, list the things in the comments as well. Would love to hear about those.

Most of the time it goes to 2-3 dates and some don’t even go beyond 1. The worst ones are those that you spend weeks or months on the app and never meet in real life. I love it when they find something stupid to stop dating me like my salary or my choice in music (yup that happened) or because I don’t drink alcohol or the best one and the most common one, because I want to have sex after marriage. I do ask them why they want to stop and those are the reasons they give. The more polite girls use the ghosting method which makes me feel more respected

My salary, though average, is definitely sufficient to run a family. I am just no rich You do realise that I could get a better job in the future right? I might be the next Elon Musk who speaks singlish. Get ready to eat your words!

Oh yes, if I was a girl and I wanted sex after marriage, my wish is to be respected and I am apparently holy. If I have the same request as a guy, I am a loser? Love the double standard!!!

I only reject girls who are rude, manipulative or think they are made of gold unlike everyone else.

The rule is that guy has to pay for the first date so free meal for the lady. If I ask to go dutch, I seem petty. If I pick a simple place, they complain so i have to find something that is at least mid tier. To be honest, I don’t mind paying for meals even it means for the rest of our lifes together. The problem is that we stop seeing each other after a few dates and this happens so often. I am losing a lot of money.

I also feel that the guy has to put in more effort. Come on, the competition is rough out there. I am not exactly Chris Evans. To make myself stand out, I have to put a lot more effort. Based on the person’s profile, I would think of a relevant place or activity for the dates. I would research about the things they mention in their profile like a certain sport or some famous figure. We will have more to talk about and most of the time, it impresses most of them except for the ice queens. They just need to come and enjoy the date, no effort from them at all. They might not even remember my profile or what was in it. If the date sucks, then it is my fault. Yes, I feel amazing when that happens, especially listening to them complain.

I have done this dating thing so many times that I have a routine like those guys performing shows on stages. I have experimented on various jokes or types of humor and found the most optimal ones. The only thing is that since I pay attention to their profile, I might customise it to them. We also talk about the things. Literally the same darn things. Deal breakers, interests, etc. Same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over (approaches infinity).

As i mentioned, I am not Chris Evans but I do groom myself as best as I can. Most girls would come to dates in a decent outfit. I love it when girls come as if they just woke up from their bed and show how much they care about the date.

I find the lack of effort from girls extremely annoying. Some come to dates not remembering my profile. If the conversation is dry, I have to be the one who has to keep it lively and prevent it from turning awkward. Most girls don’t even try anything. They get free meal on the first date. They don’t have to plan dates. They can give the uninterested face and it is fine. If I do it, then it is a sin.

Out of all the girls I have dated, only 3, that is right, only 3 girls have seemed to put in effort. 2 of them made an effort to keep the conversation fun. The last girl planned the second date voluntarily. I am still friends with all 3 of them till today because they are WORTH IT.

Honestly, I don’t mind putting the effort. It is fun to do some of the things. If nothing else, the least I expect is for the girl to put in effort into the conversation and as a plus, remember something about me from my profile or our chats. The problem I have is that despite putting in all the effort, it keeps failing for stupid reasons (2nd para). Guys deserve to be respected too by the way.

I had just gotten home from work and was about to make dinner for my family. But then my wife dropped a bombshell on me. She told me that she was making $25,000 a month in her new position.

I was absolutely stunned.

I had no idea that she was making this kind of money. I mean, I knew she was doing well, but I had no idea it was this much.

My first thought was how lucky we were. I mean, $25,000 a month is more than enough to live on comfortably. We could easily pay off our debt, save for a rainy day, and even take some nice vacations.

My second thought, however, was that I didn’t need to work anymore. After all, with that kind of money coming in every month, we could easily live off of it. I could quit my job and just stay home and enjoy life.

But she gave me that option to quit and just cook for her daily

But then I realized that my wife had been working hard for this money. She had put in a lot of time and effort to get to this point. And it would be wrong of me to just quit my job and not contribute to our family’s finances.

So instead of quitting, I decided to use the extra money to invest in myself. I started taking classes to learn new skills, and I started a side hustle to bring in a little extra money. I also started to spend more time with my family, since I no longer had to work late hours.

My wife also started using the extra money to do more of what she loved. She started her own business, which she had always dreamed of doing. She also took some classes to improve her cooking skills, which has been a huge benefit to our family.

Now, I work part-time, and my wife makes $25,000 a month. We are able to save a lot of money and can afford to do things that we never thought we would be able to do. We also get to enjoy more time together as a family, which is something we cherish.

My friend haolian to me he got a good queue number for the Bt Merah BTO and say his house confirm gonna hit 1mil next time.

He say his is 4 room and his queue number is two digit so confirm can choose a high floor with a good facing. Not that I want to be wet blanket but I think he might not huat as big as he thinks he can leh.

Super long wait

You see ah his BTO will take more than 5 years to be ready, if delay lagi worse exceeds 6 years then he still must hold for 5 more years and then can sell. Let’s say if he really buys high floor one at about 600k then reno maybe 80k and he sells for 850k. His net profit is about 170k. But this is spread across 10 years leh, provided no delay. Some more while he waits for the BTO to be built, he wants to rent a place to stay cos both parents house no space so that becomes extra cost already. If he sell his house at high price then where he stay? The other houses confirm will be expensive also ma. Correct? Unless he stay with his parent then can save more cost and maximise profit but I see his pattern I don’t think he will.

Best is buy the more ulu area at cheaper price then sell in resale market at normal price. Like me I bought my cck five room for about 340k, my reno only 30k but now I can easily sell it for at least 570k. Earn 200k profit leh. Some more total I only spend about 8 years.

So I don’t get why so many people want to chiong all these so-called ‘prime areas’. Is my math too good or their math not good?

Here are what netizens think:

• His BTO can sell for 1.4m next time. Now, you dun so sad, okay
• Neither. Because u don’t hao lian as much as your tua kang friend.
• Pay resale levy, pay back CPF interest…

I’m not sure this thought is legit or ethical. I know this is extremely immature and irresponsible though. But I wanted to share my darkest thought to ask about your suggestions.

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What is life like for poor people in Singapore?

Netizens share their stories

Being poor is tough but not impossible to succeed

I’ll just answer this through three personal anecdotes that I remember vividly.

My father was bankrupted when I was about five. Our HDB flat was protected from bankruptcy but all our furnitures were gone. I remember that day when my parents brought my sisters and I to a lan shop which was odd as we rarely indulged in such activities. Two hours later, when we got home, all we got left was the television and nothing else. It was odd but I wasn’t mature enough to understand what happened. I was actually happy because there’s more space to play and run in the house.

Over the next few years, we slowly bought furniture one piece at a time. During this period of time, there was frequent power outage as we couldn’t afford the bills. During this period of time I recalled studying by the corridor using the corridor light. There was also the fun of blowing bubbles into my small fish tank during power outage. Life was all right, I was largely insulated from the hardship as I was too young then.

Things got tougher when I got into secondary school. The discipline master somehow learnt that I had problems with excursion fees and school fees and often used it as a reason to single me out for the silliest reasons. One of which was smiling; during assembly one day, she singled me out for smiling and asked why I liked to smile so much and that I should feel more sad and shameful about not paying my dues, she then assigned me to the front of the hall in front of the entire cohort to do nothing but smile. I never told my parents about this as I understood by then that they were stressed enough trying to provide for the family. As time passes, not smiling became the norm and I perfected my rbf.

Was life tough being poor in Singapore? Yes. Was it impossible to succeed in life? No. I am doing pretty all right now, graduation in a few months’ time. The toughest part of being poor is being chinese at the same time; even if you succeeded, there will still be many people telling you about chinese privilege in Singapore. I wish I could cash it on my chinese privilege, but what the academics fail to tell you is that the chinese privilege they are talking about only begins from middle class and above.

Everyone’s story is different, but we help each other

I guess people ask the same question in many ways for different purposes. I hope by sharing a little with you it keeps us positive about life.

I am speaking from experience and general observation, knowing that the government did not set any standard for what it means to be poor in Singapore.

I grew up in a comfortable environment in Singapore. My Dad’s pay only became better in early 2000s when I was in secondary school. My Mum had a hard time looking for a job because of her Low education level and my parents figured it would make sense for her to stay-home and organize our living, thereby saving for us. Before that, we made ends meet with my Dad’s low paying job and helped with outsourced factory work assignments, bringing total income to about 18k per year for a family of 4. I am grateful that I could live in a flat that my parents bought with supportive policies from the government. It still is today, while government housing prices have increased there are cheaper alternatives amongst flat options (2-room, non-mature estates) and cheaper than private housing.

My sibling and I did well enough in school to qualify for all sorts of scholarships. Our income easily qualified us for bursaries too, which helped my parents who worked hard to try to give their best to us. There are a lot of schemes and subsidies for education other than cash rewards, like Edusave. At one point, I was enrolled in the meal program in school, which was a nutritious treat for lunch every day. I hardly had to buy textbooks, because there were many sharing schemes in public schools. The only textbook that I owned was an Economics textbook in Junior College, which I did not find helpful compared to what my teacher in JC taught me.

Life became tougher when I was in university. My dad was down with hospitalization bills from his gut problems and chronic illnesses. I took up more assignments as a private tutor to cover his medical expenses though government schemes helped a lot to alleviate the heavy bills.

In a small island with a lot of public resources, it is relatively easier to live on a low budget. It comes with a catch; that is to be extremely well-informed and skilful in planning.

Along the way in life, I met nasty people; teachers who do not bother to help, friends who will compare wealth, social workers who judged and the list goes on…

It was a strange feeling being a private tutor back then, because except for a short tuition of less than 2 weeks in JC for my weak subject (which I declined eventually as it was just too expensive for my parents), I never received tuition and hardly understand what my role meant to my students. There will be friends who do well because they are more well to do at home and could afford private tuition. Despite so, there are many ways to learn and make life good for yourself; I learnt from friends, joined public activities that I was interested in and forged strong friendships.

It was definitely not easy in my younger days worrying about finances, but I know that there are people who had it tougher than I did. I have met friends with very poverished backgrounds and had permanently ill family members to care for. Everyone’s story is different, some better, some worse but we help one another along.

My circumstance today is an outcome of many great help along the way. I graduated with distinction and I am working with an MNC. I travel a lot with the company, and where schedule allows I try to contribute to the local communities on personal account. After all, I might be contributing to another person’s aspirations just like someone did to me years ago.

Elderly woman poor but happy

I had a friend once. She was a single elderly lady. She lived in a one-room flat with her nephew. Every day, she would go to the nearby church where she ate lunch and helped out with feeding the dog, folding pamphlets and such. The dog’s name was Ginny, and she (the dog) listened to no one but her.

One day, her nephew sold the flat and bought another place to live. He didn’t take her along, and she was very sad because she had no place to live.

She met the conditions to stay in a charitable home and was transferred to St Vincent’s Home for the Ambulant Elderly in the city area. She stayed there with up to 13 other occupants.

She had no possessions except for what could fit into a small wooden cabinet. Mostly a rosary, a purse, and a statue of Mother Mary that I once gave her.

She received $450 a month from Public Assistance. Her medical bills were paid by Medifund, a financial support scheme that only the poorest of Singapore had access to.

The Home provided her with at least 1 meal a day. Her typical day started at 6am when she attended the morning Mass at a nearby church. This was followed by breakfast with the priests. Then she would help out around the church until lunch.

In the afternoon, she would meet a friend or go to Chinatown to windowshop. Sometimes she would buy a dress, or a purse, or some make-up. Alternatively, she would return to the Home where various schools and organisations would visit.

After dinner, she is usually asleep by 9pm.

She was happy most of the time, except when she quarreled with her room mates.

I used to visit her about once a month and listened to her stories.

When I got busy in my new job, I stopped visiting her. One day, I got a phone call from the administrator of the Home. She told me that my friend had been admitted to Assisi Hospice, and found my phone number among her belongings.

I visited my friend at the hospice. No one else visited her. She was so glad I came that she cried. She had late stage liver cancer and the doctor said she would go within the year.

I spent some time with her that afternoon. She passed away 5 days later. I attended her funeral service at 6am the following morning. There were only a handful of people in attendance.

She lived a simple, insignificant life, brought smiles to the people she met. She didn’t touch a lot of lives, and she didn’t make a lot of money. But she was happy, most of the time. And she was my friend.

Helping each other

Images source: Unsplash and Vladimir Guevarra on Facebook