A netizen shared how during the initial months of his relationship with his girlfriend (the honeymoon phase), everything was lovey dovey, but once it was over, his girlfriend started to change.
Here is the story
I have a gf of 1.5 years. In the initial months of honeymoon period, everything was sweet and lovey dovey. Soon, I discovered she tends to use passive aggressive behaviours to communicate whenever something is bothering her. If I asked her, she would either say nothing is wrong or just give me the cold shoulder.
When we were outside, we could be holding hands window-shopping and giving each other affectionate hugs and everything would be fine, but something would trigger her and she would just suddenly let go of my hand and refuse to show me any affection and give me the cold shoulder. Only when it’s late at night, then she would write a long text to try and tell me how she felt and what the issue was. Initially, I really appreciate her doing that because at least she was communicating to me and we had a chance to address whatever the issue was. But I also told her that I don’t appreciate such passive aggressive behaviours and hoped that she could communicate with me better.
There was once when she accompanied me to shop for new pairs of specs. I ordered 2 pairs of specs and she took issue with one of the pairs, saying that the frame was too large and she hated how large frame specs look. I told her I thought it looked ok and even though it was larger than what I usually wear, I could try something new and who knows, the look may grow on her and she may come to appreciate it.
To me, I thought it was just a minor issue of personal preferences. However, she became upset and accused me of not taking her opinion and feelings into consideration. I tried explaining to her that it’s just a matter of personal taste and preferences and everyone is entitled to their own preferences. But she tried to justify her behaviour by saying that she hates the look of big frame specs and the look of it on me may cause her to lose attraction for me, so she doesn’t want me to wear it because she doesn’t want it to cause her to lose attraction. At the end, she suggested that since I ordered 2 pairs, that I never wear the one with big frame and only wear the other pair that she approves of whenever I am meeting her.
For the sake of peace, I agreed to the compromise. But I couldn’t get over the feeling that this is too controlling a behaviour. She may not like the specs but I am the one who is wearing the specs so my preference should take precedence, shouldn’t it? It is just a pair of specs, not as if I’m doing something as drastic as getting a permanent tattoo on my body (not that I have anything against having a tattoo but is a pair of specs really worth getting upset and having an argument over?). Of course I could say that since it’s not something worth getting upset and having an argument over, then I could just choose another pair of specs that she approves of to avoid all the headache. But that is beside the point because I feel that such behaviour is too controlling and unhealthy for a long-term relationship.
Another time, I was shopping for coconut oil because I wanted to use it to improve my dental healthy by doing oil pulling. I gave her a brief explanation on what oil pulling was and she once again disapproved of my purchase.
For those who may not know, oil pulling is the using of edible oil such as coconut oil to clean the mouth. It is done by swishing a tablespoon of oil in the mouth like how we would do it with a mouthwash, for 15-20 minutes before spitting it out and rinsing/brushing. It is an ancient practice from India that has been tried and tested by many and proven to deliver results and benefits. However, she said that the idea of me doing it grossed her out and she wouldn’t feel like kissing me after that. I told her that it is not as if I’m kissing her immediately after doing it and with a mouth full of oil, I’d be doing it first thing after waking up and would be brushing my teeth after it, and it’d long after that before we would even have a chance to meet or kiss since we’re not staying together.
She got upset and once again accused me of not taking her feelings into consideration and accused me of not caring about whether she kissed me or not. I couldn’t believe that we were having an argument over a bottle of coconut oil, over me wanting to improve my dental health, which would only benefit her because who would want to kiss someone with bad breath and bad teeth?
Everytime we argue, she would also have a tendency to lament about how all our disagreements show how incompatible we are and that maybe we’re not meant to be, and would either ask whether it’d be better for us to break up or just straight up threaten a breakup, only to apologise to me later and say that the treasures me and the relationship a lot and would never want a breakup.
I addressed this issue with her telling her that I don’t appreciate her constantly mentioning breaking up everytime we disagree and argue about something. She would apologise each time and say she would change but each time she would keep doing the same thing again and again. She would keep repeating the above mentioned behaviours everytime that she was triggered by something and we had an argument. I feel really unseen, unheard and disrespected by her constantly crossing my boundaries when I’ve explicitly addressed the issues with her multiple times. She even said that she did not really intend to break up each time but she just hoped that I would give her reassurance by “chasing” after her whenever she mentioned it, so she could feel that I still want the relationship. I think that is just absurd and I have also addressed that with her. How is that healthy behaviour/thinking for a successful long-term relationship? I love her a lot but the way she gets triggered over seemingly insignificant issues is really taking a toll on me. I am feeling really frustrated and tired of the constant arguments over the same recurring issues that have already been addressed before.
I love her and I still believe that our relationship has the potential to work and I am not ready to give up on her yet, but at the same time I feel that her attitudes and behaviour is slowly chipping away at my sanity and my self-respect. What should I do?
