Another sandwich gen – only child

Been reading a lot of stories about being in the sandwich gen. i really feel for all of u..

i am the only child, and my dad is no longer working. their hdb mortgage still not paid and i am expected to just shoulder the entire remaining debt?? (<100k but still significant..)

on top of that i am forced to give my dad allowance every month ($600). he use the money on cigarettes, beer and travelling.

i have my upcoming bto to pay for as well.. and i’m so frustrated watching all my money just disappear!

i am trying to convince my parents to sell off the current hdb and downgrade to a flexi. or rent out the other room when i move out. but they refuse, saying they already used to it here, don’t like stranger in house etc.

hello! i myself am not earning much yet all my pay is going to the mortgage and ur allowance! i have to scrimp and save every cent, making me so stressed out everyday.

i have vowed that i will NOT be a liability to my future children. let’s end the sandwich situation in our generation…

Here are what netizens think:

• Treat the house like ur future investment la. Eventually when they pass on.. it be yours ma since you are the only child. Regardless you also need to give parents an allowance. Its not mandatory but just the filial right thing to do. All those years when they took care of you, paid your bills and school etc..im sure they wished they could have a forum complaining why they need to pay for their child and give allowance while also paying off mortgage for 30yrs haha. You are still living under their roof right…i suspect since you are complaining of this now.. you never gave a single cent and have been staying rent free all these years ya…

• Weird nowadays people are complaining about what they are sacrificing for their parents. I dont remember my parents complaining about needing to feed us n provide us with everything we needs when we were young. I dont complain to my kids how much I am spending on them myself alone too since their birth and I have 3 kids. Money is really the root of all evil I guess. And wheres the love n bonding nowadays?

• You are one of the many thousands who are in this plight. Your parents have done a wonderful job to bring you up what you are today. We believe he has fought many storms to stay afloat all for the love of the family. He may gone through the rough and bumpy road during his time just like you. He has done his job as a loving father. It is your duty now as a son to take care of him. Whether you want to downgrade or consider renting from HDB is just the same. The pertinent point is you need a roof over your head, and your family, at all times. If you are able to service the mortgage through your CPF I would suggest you continue to do so.

•  Life is yours. Only u can make a change. Sit down work out sums with them. If they dont want to cooperate, Bank account is yours can change giro amount.. before you do it touch ur heart. Only you know whether it is right or wrong cos all households diff.

IATA but I still need advice

Firstly, IATA.

I came from a low-middle income family. With my parents strict parenting style and my sheer hard work, I landed myself in a good job and decent career trajectory. My older sibling is the same and he got married few years ago. I, on the other hand, chose to hustle and stayed single for a few more years before buying my own place and moved out to my humble bachelor pad in the middle of COVID.

It is safe to say I am now in middle-high income bracket. I am thankful to my parents for their strict parenting and now I enjoy the finer things in life. I dream to retire somewhere far away after all these years of hustle in the business place.

I met a potential partner after I moved out. NGL it started off with good “S” followed by good vibes and conversations. We got into an exclusive relationship few months later. Recently I learned that her income is half of what I am earning. Which explains her choice of dates (I let her choose where to go for dates and the activities) and even her friends. We are the same age (mid thirties) but she and her friends still choose to meet up at places I used to go when I was a poor uni student. Whenever I (or my friends) are meeting up in other restaurants, she always says ‘oh so expensive and not worth it’. Although I enjoy the ambience and experience.

Top it all, she does not seem to be ambitious in her career. Not everyone has to be, but I admire people who takes pride in their career and are ambitious. Because that is who I am too.

I have been ok with all these for the past 8 months. Well, fireworks, sparks, good “S”, for sure I was blinded right? It finally occurred to me, if I am dating someone who is earning just as much as I do, wouldn’t the relationship be more equal? And I wouldn’t need to be drinking cheap beers with her friends and I can enjoy bespoke cocktails (likely alone).

Honest question and advice needed – I know it is very shallow of me to think of financial capabilities in a relationship. But it is the lifestyle differences it has resulted in that is causing me to rethink this relationship. Does this really matter at the end of the day? I have to say everything else, we are compatible. We came from similar backgrounds, our parents like our respective partners and treat us like family.

As a woman, I really need to ask this.

If you’re a housewife, why is it considered “misogynistic” when your man expects you to clean and cook? Like, you’re a housewife.

Your man goes out there risking everything, worked hard to earn his paycheck all for you, but the moment he has an expectation for you to clean and cook for him, suddenly he’s the bad guy?

I mean, you have expectations for him to not be a lazy bum and do nothing. In fact, whether you expect or not, man will do what’s right anyways. If you’re not even cleaning or cooking for your man, especially if you’re a housewife, what exactly do you bring to the table at all

And you wonder why your man cheat on you

And you wonder why your relationship has never last long

And you wonder why you’re so lonely.

Here are what netizens think:

• Instead of trying to figure out whether OP is a man or woman, can y’all answer the important question of this post unless y’all got nothing better to value add to the post. I feel that it’s not misogynistic, it’s just how y’all choose to split the household duties. We have come to a point where both genders may take up any role in the relationship besides childbirth but some people are still stuck in the traditional mindset.

• Cleaning and cooking are non gender specific survival skills. The contributions each party brings to their relationship have to be something both agreed upon. It doesn’t really matter who is doing what, as long as the chores get done. Segregation of these things into what used to be traditional roles, but which have since been proven to be interchangeable, is what hurts the relationship.

• Reading these comments, majority focuses on OP’s gender, and making fun of the man being a cheater, needing maid service, etc. Regardless of OP’s gender, she asked a very good and valid question, that none seem to answer. Instead, most got so triggered especially at the cheating part. While cheating is a choice that I don’t support, a housewife not being submissive to her man and do basic cleaning and cooking while expecting him to do all the work outside, is something I don’t support either.

• If she’s absolutely not cooking or cleaning at all, then perhaps she is at fault, because yea what is she doing at home then? But if there are kids and if they are rowdy and if she is actually doing things like engaging the kids, bringing them out, cooking food for them and a bit of housework here and there then maybe she does need help with cooking and cleaning.

Do I break up with my gf?

I’m in a r/s with my current gf of 5 years. Recently, she picked up a new hobby alongside a new group of friends and have been prioritising them over our r/s. She would spend her whole Saturdays and some weekdays evening to do her own lobby, which leaves her with no time and energy to spend time with her.

Ever since then, she’s been distant and cold and has stopped texting me.

HDB BTO

As our BTO downpayment is coming soon, I wanted to check in with her on her thoughts of our r/s. She said she wasn’t ready to settle down, at least for the next 2 years and alr lost feelings in me because “we have nth in common”. This was nth new because we once broke up 2 years ago over the same issue and I thought this time would be different… …

I have had been nice to her, buying her things, bringing her out for really good meals, her family members like me so it felt like I am being taken granted for and it’s just me putting in the effort to maintain our r/s.

Is our r/s over? I don’t want to kick the can down the road, pay the downpayment and forfeit it later on. Do I break up and move on?

Here are what netizens think:

• Sounds like a guy from her new hobby potong jalan you liao la. Condolences.

• Break up! She already said she has no feelings for you. What are you waiting for!? For her to drain your feelings & resources more? She prioritise her hobby and even friends over you. How much she value you? You know the answer. Stop spending your time, money and effort on her. She’s taking you for granted and just taking advantage of your feelings for her. A relationship should be 2 ways. Don’t ever end up marrying & suffer more, this is most dumb. This girl is not marriage material. Break up and move on!!

• Firstly, how come hobby become lobby. On a serious note, once u break up n try to patch up again, it will be different than before. U just going round in circles with no solution. She already mentioned she had no more feelings for u, thats a big hint right there and she dont see herself settling down yet, maybe not with you. The signs are already infront of u but u seems resisting to let it go. Time to kick the can on the road …. better not, later got accident. Pick up the can and throw in the bin. Much better

Just want to rant

Married with 2 kids , family around still I feel so lonely and lost , sometime just feel to end all of this and vanish out of everything .

I don’t feel connected with my spouse and I get frustrated living with him , I don’t know why I feel this way , I hate to get intimate with him . I was never supported emotionally when ever I had my hard times , he was always verbally abusive and did hurtful talks on me .

Married for many years and living in this relationship is taking the hell out me , I’m always frustrated and grumpy. I regret for taking this frustration on kids and cry every night to sleep for this meaningless life, for being am a horrible mother.

I don’t have the courage to move out of this and I don’t have any one to support me.

Here are what netizens think:

• Kids in sch? Childcare? Kindy care etc? Go find a job for financial independency. Make urself independent before deciding something else. Having a job will make new friends too. Because what u’re describing is the same as how i felt when i was a SAHM. Then i went back to the workforce. Every mth go out at least once to unwind with my colleagues.

• Focus on building your income and safety net then move on from there.

• See a marriage counsellor if both are willing. If not, consider a divorce if all other options can’t be worked out. Living in a soul sucking marriage with an abusive spouse will sap the life out of anyone eventually. You don’t need to go through this. Just make plans for your kids so that their lives will be minimally impacted. Of course, it’s never going to be easy. But it’s up to you.

• My first thought is to tell you, “Get Out!!! Get Out Now!!!” Before you start to harm your self, get your in laws or your Parents to look after the kids for awhile as you heal, tell them what’s happening in you life and if possible see a marriage counsellor, nothing is normal when you are already feeling this way, it’s worse when you partner who is suppose to protect you is abusive, this is not normal when you already fall out of love and I am assuming it’s due to your partner treatment towards you as a spouse, a wife and a human being with emotion and feelings, nobody is suppose to be in a toxic relationship and nobody should say this is normal, get help!!! Do it soon to safe guard your mental and physical well being, only then you could be a good mother, cause right now it’s not fair for your kids to be the receiving end of your pain. So get out and seek help now! And remember there is no shame in airing your dirty laundry to closes to you, it’s your extension in seeking help.

Parents monthly allowance

After reading the recent pots…Genuinely curious why sg parents have an entitlement to ‘a portion of child’s salary’ mindset once they enter the workforce.

I find it strange that there’s such a ‘culture’ to begin with. This is unheard of in western culture / modern sg parents.

Being a post graduate myself (early 20s), I don’t have a high income. I bring home and average of $3.5k per month and after cpf deduction its $2.8k only. I set aside about $200 per parent monthly, which is about almost 15% of my income. Its not a lot, yet not little as i have other expenses like insurance, upcoming bto etc, and it leaves me very little at the end of each month, sometimes living pay check to pay check.

Parents justification for the allowance is that we are still living with them, so we should give them money to offset the home bills and miscellaneous, as they COULD HAVE earned a lot of income from renting out the rooms we currently live in. Um, weren’t you just doing fine when I wasn’t working, no? I don’t get the comparison of such, and why the sudden attitude of being calculative.

I get it about ‘relieving some financial burden’ of ageing parents, however such expectations for a post grad with a barely average income is unrealistic and stressful.

I’m genuinely envious of my friends parents that do not have this monthly allowance tradition. My friends that have this privilege, shared with me that their parents understand they’re still slowly building a steady income, and should focus on saving enough for their own future instead. Wow, I wish my parents would think this way.

Sigh. One thing I’m sure of, if I’d ever be a parent I’d never set such expectations on my kid. It is important for parents to be financially independent and savvy. It’s time for our generation to make a change and let’s not add additional burden to the already stressful life in sg. Probably also the reason why I’m steering towards a ‘no kids’ in the future. Inflation, expectations, stress…It’s tiring.

If any boomers want to comment ‘strawberry’, ‘useless’, ‘ungrateful’, i can probably identify you as another boomer that falls in this category. Remember, we kids did not ask to be born. If you decide to have children you jolly well ensure you take care of them, and not treat them as your cash cow and retirement plan. If you took good care of your children when they are younger, naturally they will be very willing to take care of your needs when you’re older without even having to ask. If you’re going to be toxic and reek of self entitlement, you’d have no children at the end of the day.