How to deal with needy (and unreasonable?) mother-in-law?

My husband grew up in a single family and my MIL singlehandedly brought up two kids. Now that the two kids are grown up and married and not staying with her, she often badmouths them to her siblings/friends/nieces/nephews/anyone who will give her the time of day.

Her common gripe? My husband and his sibling don’t pay her enough attention or show enough concern for her.

Some background: my husband and I work regular office jobs. MIL works part time in the evenings to midnight three weekdays a week.

My husband and I currently go back to MIL’s place for dinner twice on weekdays on average, on the days she is not working. On weekends, on average we go back once every two weeks. To me, that is way more than my ideal frequency and I have discussed this with my husband before. I informed him once a week is my ideal frequency, as that would be my intended frequency for my own parents as well. He agreed and informed me that he understands if I do not want to follow him back home every time, which is fine with me. He is free to visit his mother any time he wants.

MIL is very dependent on my husband (in my opinion) and calls him for every single thing even when he is at work. Tried teaching her how to use WhatsApp voice messages but she refuses to learn. She does not text.

MIL used to throw tantrums when my husband asked if she wanted us to buy food for her. She would reply no, and throw a tantrum if we didn’t get food for her. I convinced my husband to take her word literally, if she said yes, we would buy food. If no, we would not buy and leave her be should she throw a tantrum. Over the years, she seemed to get the message and is now better at expressing if she wants food or not (sorry but sometimes I really feel she has not grown up).

Nowadays it seems like MIL will throw a tantrum whenever my husband does not call her and check in on her. Most recently, we went back for dinner on two weekdays. He then did not call her from on the remaining weekdays. On Sat, she hung up on him when he called to ask if she wanted to eat. On Sun, she called him asking where was he. When he answered he was outside, she then hung up on him again.

This has actually happened in the past before and has gotten worse. MIL likes to throw tantrums and expects people to know her expectations without ever voicing them out, like the food example above. I’ve tried suggesting my husband to speak with MIL to set boundaries and expectations but based on his knowledge of her, she will most likely refuse to participate in a meaningful conversation and it will end up in an argument. Which I agree.

Wanted to know if MIL’s unwritten expectations so far is reasonable??? My own parents are super chill and I have no such problem with them. I don’t know how to deal with MIL. I’ve tried asking my own mum for advice but she said different people have different expectations and I might not understand cos I don’t have the whole story. But personally I feel she is childish, needy, narcissistic and just plain selfish and demanding. I have half a mind to suggest counselling to my husband. Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated.

Moved on but the other party doesn’t learn to leave me alone

About 6 month ago, I was dumped by my ex.

At the same time I was facing issues of urinary incontinent due to surgery complication as well as side effect of the drug used.

My relationship with this guy started sometime after the surgery.

Since I am hitting 30, I was thinking of wanting a child of my own hence I decided to proceed with a relationship with this guy whom had half my salary and not of my industry.

We are from a very different background where I have already reach the middle management level while he is just an executive hence the salary differences.

I am more of an independent women while he prefer to be the boss of the relationship despite knowing my character well that I am not ready to let go my career regardless of what happen in the future.

So the red flag start when he kept bring up that I like to eat at restaurant despite when we are both together we only go to hawker or fast food place for meal.

I had explain about the reason I prefer to go restaurant when I am alone but he just keep picking this topic up as if I made a mistake.

Then things goes further downhill when we begin to discuss our saving.

I did lie a little but what he did was a little too much.

So I said I save about $500 a month while I was paying my house loan, student loan as well as providing both my parent and my grandmother.

He start telling me off for spending so much on food and I spend $600 for food alone a month while giving the elders each $500.

He disapproved that I spend more on food while giving the elders $100 less as well as saving so little per month ($500).

Then after trying for 2 month to have a kid…… He just hang me aside and on the day we broke up he can laugh and say he prefer his game over solving the problem between us.

He even said that I should go to sperm bank and to go out with another guy, if after a month I find that he treated me better then I should go back to him.

Then he blocked me.

So I cried a night.

My subordinate then calculated how much he saved per month over his entire career, I realize he have no rights to tell me off.

He is 2 years older than me, his saving and my saving is the same including CPF.

But I actually owned a house fully paid and no student loan since I work while I do both my degree and master.

So by average he save $500 a month over the years.

In the end I choose to move on as I realize my wallet treated me better than my ex.

However he begin to message me asking if I still want a kid after about 2 month time we broke up.

At one instant he even ask for a meet up.

By that time I have moved on from that relationship returning to my singlehood which I had comfortably did for 7 years before this relationship which doesn’t even last more than 5 month (including the on and off time in between)

These messages came almost every month till yesterday I decide to tell him to leave me alone by giving him a final message that if he every message me again I will report him to the police for harassment.

Honestly he dumped me to begin with and I don’t understand why is he doing this continuously.

From this relationship I also learn that dating a guy with lower salary indeed is very challenging when the spending power is extremely different.

So since I broke up I decide it is better to be single than to date a poor guy.

Not because I am materialistic but it is really torturing.

During the course of the relationship I had choose to save by spending $6 a day on food yet to him it is still not good enough. (*mostly cook porridge or eating cracker and tofu)

That’s why when I broke up and return to my old lifestyle I decide I don’t want to go back to him again.

I know some will judge my for being dumb and stupid for having myself into this situation but I have moved on.

To be honest when we both start dated the urinary incontinent thingy wasn’t there till the final month of the relationship.

Now my health is doing a lot better except his harassment really disgust me.

Yes some may say I can block him but that is my work number.

Now I lead a happier life but does not understand why he is doing this to me and I wonder how to tell him to move on from this relationship if he continue his messages.

Will I find the one?

Due to constant childhood traumas during my formative years, i have grown up with esteem issues.

Whenever I try to build a relationship with friends and the opposite, I find it hard to open up to people. This has resulted in me being forever green. Personally, i have never shared this with any friend or family members.

This year, I am 34/m…..quite old. At my age, most of my social circles are segregated into married, married with children and singles. The single pool is getting smaller. That means more Netflix and home time.

Do you think it is possible to find the one with such mental walls around me?? Should I just give up and start building a fulfilling single life instead??

This is not a rant…just seeking advice.

Here are what netizens think:

• Don’t waste time on Netflix. Go out and socialise. There are guys looking for ppl like you. Read books on how to improve yourself and be confident in life.

• Can one, don’t give up. But I think firstly, you need to take the 1st step forward to go out and meet ppl. You don’t need to force yourself to talk alot(but must talk lah) but surely you can find your own kind. Introverts understand introverts. You just need to find them, they are seeking for you too.

• 34 is not old. I met my hubby when both of us is 34. Still hv chance to meet new friends but zero chances if u keep staying at home or watch Netflix or don’t take the first step.

• I have introverted friends who found their partners and are happily married now. You need to take the first step. Can go for therapy to help with your trauma.