A netizen shared how he is estranged from his family and wants to disown all of them due to many issues while growing up.
Here is the story
Estrangement and disowning family
The Father.
Since young, I never had a good relationship with my father. When I was a kid, he would physically take it out on me – if he had a bad day at work, we would all have an even worse evening at home. He practiced lots of double standards, such as “no reading newspapers during mealtimes, give the newspapers to me!” – and proceed to read the very papers he ordered us to hand over. During my teenage years, I rebelled – got into bad company, smoked, drank, “tonned” (no idea how to spell that local term for staying out overnight), got into fights with my teachers and schoolmates, generally earned a bad rep in school. Because I hit puberty early, I was bigger than him when I was 15 years old, and he was up for a fair fight if he tried to get physical. He then turned to emotionally mistreating me, calling my school and friends whenever we had an argument or quarrel at home. He got my friend’s mobile numbers by looking through my mobile phone when I was asleep – those were the days when Sony Ericsson T610s and K700s were in vogue and phones didn’t have a password unlock function. He did the same thing throughout, even when I landed my first job at an SME, he once called my boss down to my house during a quarrel saying there’s an emergency and he needed help. My boss rushed down to find me in tears and the house in a mess from the fight we had. I was very ashamed. He did the same thing too, to my church leaders – my cell leader was a school teacher, and he once made her stay in our house till 2 in the morning while he regaled her with embarrassing stories of what I did when I was young. I was even more ashamed then.
As such, I have become very reticent to share any personal details of my life to anyone outside other than my closest friends who have watched me grow up and know the kind of person he is. I moved out of their house into my own place 7 years ago, and have never been happier. However, I still have flashbacks and nightmares of his ill treatment, and I often wake up either in cold sweat or screams and tears. I am extremely paranoid about letting anyone in my family know where I work now, for fear of him calling my office to embarrass me again should he be upset with me for whatever reason. Working in an events company, there are times some candid pictures of my colleagues and me ended up on the company’s Fb page, and I get so anxious I immediately call the marketing department to beg them to take down my photo. Whenever we are at roadshows in shopping malls, I can’t stop thinking about one of my family members spotting me in uniform and then telling my father about it. There was once I saw a distant aunt walking towards our booth, and I immediately fled the roadshow even though I was attending to a customer.
I’ve not spoken to him in 11 years, but the mere thought of him makes me repulsed and have nightmares all over again. Once, I went back to their place to get some letters and saw him the moment I walked into the house. I ran in, grabbed my letters, and made a dash for the car. I remember speeding all the way back to my own home, gripping the steering wheel so hard my knuckles turned white. I was filled with an inexplicable rage, and there’s nothing more I wanted to do than to torture and see him die a slow and extremely painful death under my hands.
The Mother.
I’m on cordial terms with my mother, but because she’s his wife, I don’t tell her much about my life – she doesn’t even know where I live nor what I’m working as. I do meet her for meals once every few months, mostly out of obligation and persuasion from her, but seeing her stirs up a quiet resentment in me too – I hate her for never standing up for me when my father got overboard with his torment of me. I hate her for always telling me to “forgive him, he’s your father after all”. I hate her for playing a part in driving a wedge between my brothers and me (more on that later). I hate her for always being extremely calculative and stingy with money – growing up I never had a birthday present because “I already bought you a cake, that’s your present.”. <– (I know this is a very 1st world problem to have, but my parents are loaded: my father is quite a prominent figure in society because of his business affiliations, and my mom is a dentist.) All my CNY angbao money was used to pay for my own school books every year, and if there were a shortfall, she’d lend me the money first, and deduct it from my (already measly) pocket money. I had to save up for my own shoes and uniforms, too.
Then again, I know some people will bash me and say that they had to go through the same, and didn’t make any noise. But it’s different, when you know your parents can afford a $2.20 Pilot Shaker mechanical pencil for your 10th birthday but resolutely refuse to give it to you.
So, while I am on cordial terms with her, I no longer have much affection toward my mum because I’ve held her at more-than-an-arm’s-length for a long period.
The Brother.
My mother practiced cold wars with us a lot when we were growing up – whenever she was angry with us because we did something wrong, she wouldn’t talk to us for a week. As such, my brothers and I picked that up really fast, and we’ve not talked since we were primary 1. Throughout our teenage years, my parents would both tell us to be careful of each other, saying that he was planning to do such-and-such to me, and vice versa, etc. This created a lot of animosity and wariness between the both of us, and we haven’t spoken since. I opine my parents did that to ensure we did not gang up against them perhaps.
Even though we lived in the same house (albeit separate rooms) when we were younger, I am so dislocated from him that I don’t even have his mobile number nor know what stage of life he’s in (poly/uni/working etc.)
I know my family’s dynamics are very weird lol.
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I’ve been wanting to disown my family for the longest time, so I will finally be free from obligations like meeting my mother, attending CNY reunion dinners and weddings etc. I will also no longer think long and hard about putting my mom’s contact as NOK for emergency purposes. My parents have said before that when I start working they want at least 20% of my salary as a form of gratitude to them for all the money spent raising me up but I completely refuse to, given our very strained relations. I have already changed the nominations in my CPF to people other than them, and have written a will to state that in no event should my family receive a single cent from my estate, but I am afraid that unless I make it publicly known that I have no relations to them anymore, there is a chance they will try to contest the will and CPF nomination. I also want my father to know that he will not have his firstborn at his deathbed or funeral (he’s a buddhist, and apparently there’s some importance of having all of one’s children, especially the eldest son, at the funeral performing the rites). All my life, he’s had the last laugh in all the arguments, quarrels, and fights we’ve had, but I sincerely hope to have the final laugh at the end of (his) day.
I can’t seem to find any information on Singapore law that touches on disownment. Even as a kid I thought a lot about emancipation, but I didn’t have the means to move out and prove that I am capable of providing for myself. Is there any way I can legally and publicly do so? My close friends have advised me against it because I am potentially losing out on my inheritance, but I don’t give a rat’s ass about the fat bank accounts or numerous properties my parents own – I have been completely independent since 16, and have absolutely no interest in living off money that I did not earn myself.
Thank you for reading, and I hope to have some sincere advice here.
…Unfilial Son
P.S.: I have absolutely no interest of reconciliation or going for family therapy/counselling – we have tried it a few times and it was always ended up a spectacular failure.
