Struggling with my life in both work and love. Feeling overwhelmed and could use any advice.

29M here. Struggling very badly and honestly quite ready to give up. Very afraid of ending up alone, affording housing in the future, and super stressed about my new job.

I have never been in a relationship before, and never really felt what its like to be loved. I look at couples with envy all the time and I wish i could get a hug. On the outside people say im a friendly and nice guy, but inside im just really lonely and suffer from anxiety. I was in love with a friend for 3 years (and going now). I confessed a while back and got rejected, and we actually got closer after that and started talking daily. But nothing else came of it.

However she recently announced she had a BF this year which broke me. I still think about her all the time and i notice we dont talk everyday anymore. I could feel an immediate shift in our friendship. Her texts are now infrequent and dry, so i have to initiate convos or there wont be any. Part of me sort of understands, but the other part hates her for just suddenly changing so quickly after being so close for 2 years.

I did try using dating apps like CMB to try and move on, but i got only 1 hit which went nowhere in the past 2 months, which feels like a big blow to my ego. I dont even think im that ugly, just average looking but on the shorter side.

On my job side, I was struggling to find a job for months but finally got 1 this month. I’m taking on a new role and stressing out hard on this because they have high expectations and so far im struggling to keep up. My manager micro manages me a lot and I feel like im just drowning. Im also very introverted so its stressful for me to interact with people during lunch.

The mixture of all this is overwhelming me, to the point where i suffer from panic attacks that make me hyperventilate and vomit at times. At work, my stress caused my skin to break out in spots, and my hands shake when i think too hard about the future.

The loneliness has been crushing as well, but thats nothing new. I check my phone at least once an hour to see if the girl im still in love with has posted something new, or replied to my texts. She sometimes leaves me on read, or ignores my messages, which hurts even more. In my head, all i can picture is her ignoring my texts because shes too busy f-ing her new BF. I cant help how my mind goes to these places.

And since I cant stand the way i look, i started exercising more. I am obese and have to lose about 35KG to reach a normalish weight. So far i have lost 15kg. That is pretty much the only thing i am proud of.

Tbh idek why im writing all this. I dont know why im even waking up everyday just to put myself through this. I cant remember the last time i had a hug or felt happy. I’m literally crying writing this as I’m already dreading going to work next monday.

Where can I report an F&B doing loud karaoke at midnight?

A Chinese F&B shop beneath my residential place setup few dining tables outside of the shop, setup a big –s audio player outside and started doing karaoke at 9pm-1am.

When not singing they were cheering, shouting and clapping. I can still clearly their voice through earplug.

Tried calling police 2x and had the shop’s detail taken. It has been better for a few days, but today they start singing at 1am until now at 2am. I went down, took video, made another call today.

Any idea which agency should I make this report to? I have written to SPF with video evidence and NEA.

If they have license to operate entertainment and alcohol at midnight, shouldn’t the agency consider the residential complex around them?

Netizens’ comments

• If the police have acted. And they still same. Most likely they have a valid license to operate till late night?
  I cant imagine our police will hesitate to close “these” places… If u go out chiong enuf, u will always see police raiding places… But as long as these establishment is legal legit, the police can’t do anything unless something real major happen.
  • (OP) I had similar thought as well. Based on what I read, the license to operate entertainment and alcohol are issued by SPF, but there is a footnote that consideration of the surrounding will be assessed.
    I assume that police or any agency that issue the license won’t allow outdoor midnight karaoke at a residential building as it breach the permitted noise level. Another possibility is they play hide and seek. They usually start between 9-11pm, only today they started at 1am and packed up at 2am.
    • I’ve chiong for like 20yrs… In ur case ah, the police raid that place. If they got a valid license, they can’t do much… Juz most likely raid the place for illegal workers, study permit students etc.

In my final corporate job I asked for and received a sit/stand workspace. It was pretty sweet as far as a cubicle can go, but it wasn’t enough. I kept all surfaces empty except for one framed photograph of a random child that came with the frame. I made sure it stood out.

You might ask why. I noticed pretty early into that job that my manager was sympathetic to giving time off to people with kids and never deducted their pay or vacation time.

Thus I had a photo of a random kid on my desk and milked it. Before the arrival of this random frame, I was working 60 hours a week.

After presenting the stock photo kid – I had to go “pick up my kid”, “she has a doctor appointment” or a “school soccer game” that I can’t miss, etc.

Name anything you can think a kid could experience and me and my imaginary daughter got the time off, without penalty.

My pay remained the same but at around 30 hours per week. Once I traveled overseas for two weeks, but for work purposes my “daughter” had serious “hospital time” and my boss ate up the drama and believed everything.

When I returned I felt guilty about my massive lies about the imaginary kid, put all my files on the desk of my boss, rode the elevator down to the lobby, handed my key card to security and walked out feeling free.

Netizens’ comments

A friend of mine did a similar thing.

He didn’t turn up for work and they rang him. He didn’t answer. They rang up the second day and when he answered, he was watching some bull shit daytime TV talk show about a man who wanted to see his kids.

So he went with that. Told them he found out he had a 3 year old kid and the mother never let him know and messed with his head. His boss gave him the rest of the week off.

He said it was so exhausting because his boss tried to help and gave him all the information needed to gain access and visitation and would ask him how things have gone.

Getting bad anxiety and loneliness at work. How do you all cope?

So for context, I’m a 23M, ORDed last yr and job hunted for 4 mths and finally landed myself in a job in Dec 2022.

Honestly, I walked myself into this one. I was desperate for a good-paying job to support my family, and my diploma and lack of work experience couldn’t land me in local unis or proper FT jobs.

Wanted to go to SIM for a data-science degree but didn’t had the money. Then saw this company and decided to just screw it and try it out.

I didn’t think abt it hard enough even when seeing the working hours. I just needed to quickly secure a job and my family can finally be relieved that I’m finally working.

They didn’t even force me to work, I just wanted to help them because my dad is the only sole breadwinner. I can’t keep depending on him.

Now I’ve finished training and started to officially work. I nearly cried when I finished work a couple days ago. When I come to work, I get the crippling sense of dread and anxiety in my chest.

Suddenly being free for the week feels non-existent with the little offs I have. I don’t know why I feel like this. But when I’m at work, all I feel is loneliness, how I miss my mom, miss my friends, and it can get overwhelming.

My work being rly tiring isn’t helping. When I ended work and started to feel better, I told myself I need to look forward to work coming forward and just be happy because if I don’t, I won’t last. Went for work the next day and the horrible feeling came back.

I wanna know how to handle these feelings. I can’t imagine if I have to go through anxiety everyday of my life. I obviously am regretting my decision really bad and will be sure to really think twice when applying for jobs next time.

I (24M) don’t know how to feel about my girlfriend (24F) being friends with people shes slept with

Hi, I’ve been dating this girl for several months now. I have male and female friends, she does too. I have never slept with any of my female friends, she has slept with a few of her male friends.

In my past relationships, I’ve never had this issue. But I currently don’t know how to handle my feelings towards her hanging out with her friends that she has slept with.

I get that’s the past, but I don’t know how I’d feel if she were to, for example, go on a trip with these friends present? Or what if a friend needs to crash at her place for a night?

I’m not going to ask her to get rid of her friendships or anything controlling like that, it’s just I don’t know if this is a normal thing or not and how to set boundaries in a healthy manner.

It also makes me feel insecure, jealous, and honestly mad, especially if I’m hanging out with her and a friend she’s slept with is also present.

I don’t know how best to bring up these feelings to her without making her feel bad or what solution we could even come to when handling this.

Any advice or stories of your own would be appreciated. Thank you

Netizens’ comments

1. You have to ask to have a sit down where you both can express your feelings to each other.
   If you cannot express your concerns, then you will never get over it and it will fester. Your relationship will not last and you wasted all this time. If you both cannot come to a decision together then just remove yourself from this relationship and find somebody more compatible to your beliefs.
   You will hear people saying its a YOU problem. Guess what, their right, but you also have the right to feel secure in any relationship that your in.
2. The solution is the one the vast majority of people use: We don’t maintain friendships with former partners.
   She is going to have to learn this on her own terms, and probably break a bunch of relationships in the meantime. She is like everyone else. We convince ourselves we’re special and only other people are subject to the basic unwritten rules. Then we break everything around us a few times and realize, “Oh… yeah, I’m not actually more special than anyone else.”
   The problem you face is that you have to say common sense things to someone who is still in the process of slowly discovering they aren’t the special flower.
   Tell her your concerns, demand nothing of her, and accept in your heart that this relationship is very likely going to die in a fiery wreck. Enjoy the ride.

Those relationship that has strict parents

How do you deal with your gf/bf having strict parents in your early 20s?

By strict I mean not having dates/meeting up every week, keeps talking about your partner negatively daily, keeps calling/texting you about your whereabouts thinking you are meeting your partner etc.

I would love to hear people who has experienced this and how did both of you two manage to overcome this and eventually get married.

Here are what netizens think

• currently in one now.
  
  have to bite the bullet and tahan lor. his side broke us up before so our solution was for me to pretend that i don’t exist as his gf. this means no going to each other’s houses, no talking about dating to his parents (i tried for mine and they said no too – because i haven’t start working) and that we can only hang out outside of our houses as friends. (i also don’t like having people around in my house anyway so it doesn’t affect me too much)
  
  we have plans to get married but i also foresee that the road will not be an easy one. rn our main goal is to achieve financial stability first then use money to ‘manipulate’ our parents.
  
• Just leave, the parents talking s**t about you nonstop is going to get to his/her head eventually. Been there before, her parents convinced her that I would go broke and borrow money from her just because I do stocks/options. I never yolo or do any risky stuff.
  
• I think before, my mother hated the idea of me having a bf. Its like someone stealing away her daughter from her. So what I did was, make my boyfriend look damn good in their eyes. To help them realise, actually he just wants to take care of her.
  
  So mothers day gift, we gave her a special label printer. And i said, it was my boyfriends idea. Talk about his ambitions and ideas sometimes. He sends me home everytime, so I make sure to mention that too. I would also say we go out to have meals, hiking and how we spend time with his own family.
  
  Gradually, my mother started to came around. She invited him for dinners, CNY, and very soon, she was also comfortable with me staying over at his place. Just that he cannot stayover at mine’s. Hahaha
  
  I think they are very strict initially, is either they cant let go, they dont trust or they have attachment issues la. Most importantly, they need to feel comfortable with your partner. Its different for each parent, I guess.

My gf (23F) always complains about things and I’m (24M) considering leaving her.

So I need advice, my gf constantly complains about things that are super small and irrelevant and she just rants about it like it’s the end of the world.

Every time I see her she has something new to complain about and I’m so tired of it, I just want to hear something positive for once.

I have a lot that I go through and I take most of it to the chin to try to keep my stress out of our relationship. She does the opposite and that usually means me dealing with my stress and hers.

She also is very insecure about when I go out and hang with my friends without her and even when I invite her she never wants to go.

She always throws a fit and complains about how I will do things with them and not her which is totally not true at all.

Some days I question if I even love her anymore because of how much it has pushed me away but I know deep down I still do.

I just need help because I don’t know if after 5 years this is something worth ending it all over.

Netizens’ comments

1. By the time you are using absolute terms like “always” or “never” it is usually too late. You at that point are only seeing the negative of a situation and generally speaking out of exasperation. Sometimes people have to be apart to learn to appreciate the other and to personally grow..maybe it is time.
2. That is exhausting. Have you tried talking to her about it? In the past I have done some irritating things that have bothered my husband and I didn’t even realize I was doing it. Once he explained how annoying it was I have always been more self-conscious of myself and would like to think I have improved. Maybe she doesn’t even understand how bad she is doing it. Not saying you should stay with her, but if you did want to give it a little longer try talking to her first.
3. Sounds like you have matured past her. You are completely correct, too. Who wants to go thru life complaining, who wants to hear people complain?
   If you don’t think this will change and you don’t want to be around it, move on. There are plenty of young women who are grateful and happy with what they get. This is a mindset that your girlfriend does not have.
   You are less likely to find a partner that is grateful and happy if you are with your current girlfriend and it is not kind to look for someone else while you are with her.

WhatsApp groups for work (red flag)

Just curious how many people here have WhatsApp groups for work? And I’m not talking about casual or social topics on those groups.

Ive been in companies where colleagues set up a WhatsApp group similar to our in-office clique.

Ive also been in companies where managers set up these groups and use it as an alternative to Teams or Slack or email.

Honestly my WhatsApp is my personal line, and I don’t want to receive messages after office hours, or be checking my phone to see if any important instructions came on in the day. I want to set a clear demarcation between work life and personal life.

How is it for you guys, and how do y’all feel about the practice?

Here are what netizens think

• Yes. Practically all my msging accts are also used for work. Social media accts as well. At work we also use Slack and Zoom and the GSuite stuff.
  
  My WhatsApp has >10 active work group chats for our staff in different depts/events/parts of the world. Technology has ruined us.
  
• Hahaha my whatsapp has been completely taken over by work.
  WhatsApp = Work, Telegram = Personal
  
• Nothing wrong with muting them after office hours.
  
  In my previous line of work, we have an app to clock in and out of work, and if we did any OT we would receive OT pay. My manager liked to ping people after work to do stuff, and most people did it without clocking in because it took ten minutes at most to complete. However, I was new, and I didn’t understand most things.
  
  Cue malicious compliance.
  
  I clocked in, did the work, clocked out. This went on almost daily for a whole month. HR called me in and wanted me to explain why I had multiple clock in instances after work hours. I showed them all the messages from my manager, and I told them that I expected to be compensated for it.
  
  Manager made a huge hoo-ha, said how other people didn’t clock in for OT if it’s simple stuff blah blah blah. I said that this was officially after office hours, and any work done outside of office hours was entitled to OT pay as stated in my contract.
  
  Manager had a major shouting fight with HR, she proceeded to have a mental breakdown (I think), I got my OT pay, and ever since then I’ve learnt to ignore everything that happens outside of office hours unless I’m getting compensated for it.

my boyfriend (22m) sits on his phone 24/7 with me (22f) but when he’s out with his friends he doesn’t touch it

For context, my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 6 years, this has been an ongoing issue since basically the beginning and i’m just not sure what to do about it.

He has broken boundaries (nothing detrimental, but enough to cause trust issues and anxiety) multiple times throughout our relationship and sometimes when he goes out, i ask for a simple check in every couple of hours, nothing crazy but enough to know that we’re still on track and everything is all good.

It seems almost impossible to get this from him, but if we’re hanging out, it’s impossible to get him off of his phone for even an hour or so.

He’s constantly on phone calls, responding to texts, scrolling through socials etc. I guess i’m just frustrated and tired of feeling like he’s more worried about his outward appearance to his friends than to me.

I do have anxiety in general and i know that this isn’t his problem but i would hope that he would try to work with me to the best of his abilities.

Am i asking for too much or overreacting? Any advice is appreciated!

we’ve had the hard conversations, the “are we growing apart” and “should we keep going” etc, i don’t think he’s cheating just because he’s so so open with what he’s doing.

if him and his friends are talking about something funny he’ll show me, he’s not hiding his screen when i come in the room etc.

He’s very involved in pop culture and music (he’s in a band so that’s part of the reason he’s online so much, too). It could be that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, im just not sure how i would go about confronting that anymore than i already have.

the last thing i want to do is lose him, i’d rather just feel more connected if that makes any sense

Netizens’ comments

He might not want to be in a relationship with you but he’s not willing to confront that. Sort of like the way he’s not willing to “confront” you by getting off his phone and interacting with you the way he does with his friends. If, and that’s a big if, this is true, he’s being a coward by not telling you that he wants to break up.

Basically, he’s avoiding you by using his phone. The above is just one guess as to why. It could also be a number of other things. At this point, I’m just hoping that he’s not cheating one you.

Sorry if I’m sounding all doom and gloom, but constantly avoiding you by using his phone is a pretty bad sign.

50 working hours per week

Asking for my friend who is from Malaysia and recently received an offer to work in Singapore in the music teaching industry.

His new offer requires him to work 4 weekdays(30hours) and 2 weekends (20hours) per week. He get to rest on every Tuesday.

Is this kind of work arrangement even legal, given the long working hours? And the pay is just average ($2.5k), no OT nor benefits.

Is there any better choice for him in the music teaching industry?

Here are what netizens think

• Negotiate for a better offer. He’s still covered under part 4 of the employment act as he is drawing under 2.6k.
  
  If not, take the offer elsewhere, the company sounds scummy to me. The working hours arrangement is legal, however, not paying OT isn’t. Also the company must still adhere to the minimum benefits states under the employment act.
  
• You didn’t deduct lunch hours. That’s 44 hour work week quite normal
  
• Check the MOM website. I think they have guidelines for this. Best thing your friend or you can do 🙂 is to ask for OT pay for the 6 hours of extra work. If you’re desperate and scared that they retract the offer then suck it up.
  
• Malaysians are usually okay with working longer hours, problem is pay too low, gotta negotiate more.
  
• He can reject the offer if he doesn’t think it’s fantastic
  
• Everybody is usually okay with working longer hours, if the pay is right.